Working on myself

During the last week the situation between HIM and me wasn’t that great. We were arguing about a lot of things. Most of the arguments were coming from me. I was PMSed and during that time I become depressed and I tend to blame people around me for all of my problems. Usually my low self esteem is lower than ever and I am anxious and scared of every day life. It has always affected my relationships with others, but the older I get the worse it becomes.

And now it affects my relationship with HIM – the relationship I want to keep and which I am destroying slowly.

He has never gave me any reasons to be jealous and yet I am freaking out that he might be seeing someone else, or that he will leave me. So, I do the worst thing I can in a situation like that – I am trying to push him into promising me that he will never leave me.

He has been working a lot during the last week at last minute projects. He has been stressed and frustrated, and anxious about his financial situation. And what am I doing? I am blaming him for not spending enough time with me.

I cause tension between us. He recently told me that I was a great girl, but recently I have been driving him a little nuts. I am actually surprised that he is still sticking around.

A part of me is also self concious about what I am doing with my life, about the fact that I don’t earn much, that I do not have a career and that I stopped being ambitious. I just want to have fun. And he is a web designer making good money and plans for the future. Whereas I have no idea about what I am doing. I think that part causes me to be so insecure in this relationship. I keep thinking: ‘what is he doing with someone like me? why does he like me so much? I’m sure that one day he will realise that I’m not intelligent enough, not knowledgeable, that I’m lazy, worthless and too desperate to have a boyfriend and then he will leave me’.

I just wish I could have a job like him – something creative, something that would sound important. When he asks me about my job I am ashamed to talk about it…It feels like it’s not enough.

This morning we had a little argument again… He has a huge amount of work to do, but despite that he spent two days with me this weekend and did not work and still I had to blame him for working too much.

After the argument I went for a coffee and sat in the coffee shop for a bit. I emailed my counsellor whom I saw after the divorce and set up a skype session with her for Tuesday. I think it’s time to work on myself a little. I think I reached a point where I need to address my issues as they might destroy yet another relationship with someone, who is special and worth of me changing for better.

Please keep your fingers crossed for me.

How much is too much and how little is too little?

I tend to post more when I’m troubled and recently I have been pretty happy. Of course, I would prefer not to work and not to get up at 6:30, but you can’t have everything right?

The bliss with HIM is still continuing. Last week we spent a lot of time together and we really did have a blast. I still can’t say if sex is good or not. I think it is…and it’s getting better.

We are officially boyfriend and girlfriend. Of course, he still says he doesn’t love me, but I don’t push any more. I know him enough to say that his feelings are deeper than he thinks. Besides, I am still evaluating what I actually feel for him, too. I guess we both need time.

He has been working since Sunday, so we have not seen each other that much, which means we went out yesterday and today again – normally we would see each other every day.

However, I am a needy person and I do want to spend every minute with him. OK, maybe not every minute, but I would like to see him more often. I miss him when he’s not around, or when he’s working and I don’t hear from him for 8 hours. I want more sleepovers and cuddling, and sex. Today he told me he was not going to be able to see me until Saturday, which is a very long time for me. It frustrates me that I can’t meet him earlier. But, I also know that he works and that he needs to make a living, so I fight with my needy self and bring out the kind, understanding Divorced and Single.

I have mixed feelings about it because I can see that he is trying to spend time with me and divide it between me and work, but on the other hand I have doubts and I am not sure where my limit of kindness and understanding should be?

Out of my own initiative we went out yesterday and today he sent me a message: ‘Let’s have an early dinner today. At least that’s all I can do for now’. After I asked him what he meant exactly he said ‘I am just afraid you are going to dump me for a younger guy, who has more time and less sorrows. I can only offer you dinners, breakfast once in a while and sex sometimes.’

It thrilled me that he was worried I would leave him. He very rarely expresses how much he likes me and if he does so, he says things with that smirk on his face that always confuses me if he is serious or just joking.

But now, after I have written it, this makes me wonder if dinners, breakfasts and sex is enough for me and that maybe by that he wanted to suggest that he doesn’t really have a space for a relationship? But if that’s the case then why would he say that he was afraid that I would leave hiM?
I am confused, because this is a start of a relationship and it’s better if we spend a lot of time apart, but what if this is going to last? And then…how much of his time do I actually, really need so he doesn’t start annoying me, or becomes someone I am bored with (which can happen)?

How much is too much and how little is too little?

My wonderful 34th birthday

Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 34. Whenever I mentioned the number I am in a minor shock. I do not feel any day over 28. I guess that’s why I look so young.

My sister left for Poland on Sunday. I have been feeling a little down. I don’t have that many friends here and not having her around means that I lost my partner in crime. Also, yesterday was my first day back at work. So, I wasn’t really looking forward to my birthday. I thought I would spend it alone, in my room, eating junk food and feeling sorry for myself. However, the day turned out to be pretty nice.

First, I was surprised by all the messages I got from people around the world, from Canada, Liberia, USA, UK, Australia and many other countries. My first serious boyfriend, whom I hadn’t contacted for years, messaged me, X sent me a lovely text, and I was surprised to hear from the Frenchie, too.

The teachers at work were busy, but promised to have a late lunch with me today to celebrate my day. At the moment I am waiting for them to come back from a meeting, so we can eat all those delicious Thai dishes we have in the fridge.

HE didn’t contact me the whole day yesterday, so I thought he had forgotten, which made me a little sad. At 5pm, while I was having a nap, he showed up at my door with an expensive cake and sang me ‘happy birthday’ on top of his lungs. He then took me to a romantic dinner to a place, which is owned by a guy I had dated before (he is not impressed by the amount of people I dated while he was away) and who treated us with cheesecake, which is believed to be the best in town. Then we moved to a bar, which is owned by a friend of ours, who also got me a lovely scarf. Then I met C for a quick drink. HE and I ended up at my place and you can imagine what happened next…
I was thinking about all those wonderful people, who remembered about me and I really do feel lucky to have them in my life. It doesn’t matter that we don’t see or hear from each other as often as we would like to, but it is a blessing to have them as my friends. I feel very much loved and appreciated. And HE is continuing to surprise me with all the things he has been doing for me lately. I am very happy to be spoiled like that, but I am also scared and sad that this will come to an end one day…

I have been back for two weeks and it has been an absolute bliss

Phew! It seems like it was yesterday when I published my last post, but at the same time it feels like it has been ages.

It took me 24 hours to get back to Chiang Mai from India. It was the longest journey ever. My flight was rescheduled twice and I was informed about it 2 hours before. It screwed up my connecting flight from Bangkok to Chiang Mai completely. I thought I would never get home…But, at the end, I did.

I was so happy when I finally landed that I couldn’t stop smiling. HE picked me up from the airport, brought me home, which he previously had cleaned and tidied, fed me with food and poured some beers into me.

The next two weeks were a total bliss. HIM and me were living together during that time. We slept until noon, went for food and coffee, drove around the town, watched movies until early morning hours. We partied a little. I could have not wished for a better time off.

I know that I said before I would break up with him. I really did mean it. A lot of you advised me against my plan. I would have done it if it wasn’t for the fact that since I have been back it’s been an absolute bliss. Those last two weeks really seem too good to be true. I can’t even explain how good it feels to spend time with him and be around him, how good it is to be appreciated for the crazy person I am, how good it is to be spoiled.

He moved to his new apartment 2 days ago. He has already bought me a toothbrush and even an Iphone charger, so I don’t need to drive home to pick it up every time I stay overnight. Little gesture, but it says a thousand words.

As to his feelings, as far as I know they haven’t changed. We haven’t had a conversation about it since the time I messaged him from India. I decided to leave it and see how things go. A couple of days ago we started discussing it and I did tell him that I was confused about what I really wanted from him and I just preferred not to think about it. I did tell him I had been planning to leave him and to never contact him again. He pushed for conversation, but I did not want to talk about any of that. All I found out from him was that he ‘liked me a little bit more than just liking a person as a friend’, but he ‘has been very careful with his words as not to say too much too quickly. He admitted that he didn’t know what he wanted and that he was scared.

My problem with him is that I might be in love, but I have been questioning this recently and I really do not know what love is any more. What I know is that I do like spending time with him and I enjoy his company. It seems that we have a perfect connection, but I don’t really know how we could continue this. We both don’t know what we want from our lives. I don’t think that neither of us would be willing to compromise on choosing a place where we want to go and live. We both have insecure futures, and I think I do need someone who could support me and be there for me. I do not think I am able to do that for another person…Do I make any sense? So, for now, we are together and we are in a relationship, as we agreed to it a couple of days ago, but I don’t think this will last longer than 6 months. Let’s just wait and see.

I’m coming home

Tonight I have my return flight back to Chiang Mai. I fly out of Kochi at 11 pm and will be home tomorrow at 4 in the afternoon.

There are many reasons why I can’t wait to be back: I’m fed up with covering myself in 40 degrees heat, because men here are not used to seeing women’s shoulders and legs, I am tired with people staring at me all the time, I’m fed up with the wi fi, every single Indian dish is starting to taste the same and I need beer, sex and rock ‘n’ roll. I also miss my sister, I miss my friends, I can’t wait to meet some new people that joined our small circle, I miss driving my scooter and I want my bed back.

As to HIM…Well, I know you guys gave me great advice. I am smart enough to know that I probably should finish that off. I also want to mark on the fact that the last post about HIM was written in a heat of the moment and it would probably be curel of me to leave him like that.

I have not made my decision on what to do with this. After the conversation I had with him about feelings I did not speak to him for a couple of days. I ignored his messages. My feelings have not changed, but my attitude towards him did. I just let it go. I am not sure how to explain this, but I just decided to chill out. I think he must have sensed that because suddenly I started getting messages like: ‘when are you coming back? Can you come back already?’. He even sent me a song ‘Baby come back’ yesterday. He sometimes messages me at 5 am.

Now, I know this doesn’t mean anything and I do not want to overthink this. I am just enjoying the attention he hasn’t given me for a bit now. I like that…And whatever happens when I get back, happens and if I end up with a broken heart I will know that this was due to my choice.

Wish me a good flight back.

Florence and the Machine

I hardly ever buy albums. I usually create playlists on youtube and stream music from there.

There are only 2 bands/musicians I buy albums of: Muse and Florence and the Machine. 

Florence is an amazing woman. I have seen her live and it was one of the best performances I have seen. Her music is a cure to my worries and struggles. I listen to words carefully. It is pure poetry.

On the 1st of June a new album is coming out and I cannot wait. This one features a song called ‘What kind of man’. Listen to it…Do you know why I like it so much?

Listen to the song here.

A small town mobster story

To distract you from my stupid decisions and reasoning I have decided to share a story with you and ask what you think of it.

It is not connected to sex or love, just to warn you.

I come from a small town in Poland. It is a very sleepy settlement that comes alive only during the summer season when thousands of tourists come here to enjoy the fresh air and white sandy beaches.

Because the people living in the town earn money during those 3 months there is a lot of competition between them…and it is often an unhealthy one.

My dad has owned a lot of business in the town during the last 30 years. Due to his recent problems and some deals he made with his partner not much has left. One of the things he owns now are boats that transport tourists from the town to the National Park. It is one of a few ways that people can get in there. The other one is by a mini van, or electric cars. These are owned by this small town Dickhead (I will call him that cause I don’t really have any other name for him).

The Dickhead is a little older than me and he is a psycho. He used to date a good friend of mine when I was still at school. He used to beat her on a regular basis. At one point he drove her out to a forest, tied her to a tree and beat the shit out of her. The girl didn’t press charges, but after years of abuse she finally got out of the relationship.

After he finished school he opened a couple of businesses in town, including the cars that I’ve mentioned. Since then whenever he feels that he loses money because of some competition he threatens people, burns their cars and houses. Every one knows what he does, but no one wants to say anything.

He also has a father and an older brother that are both policemen and whenever the Dickhead is in trouble, they make it look like it’s someone else’s fault.

A few days ago him, my dad and my dad’s business partner got into an argument. This very night my dad’s boats were set on fire. The damage is worth around 200,000 zlotych – which is a LOT of money. The boats were insured, but the damage has been done and it happened just before the summer season.

Apparently a lady, who owns a land next to were the boats were docked has a CCTV recording from that night, where you can see who caused the fire, but she is too scared to give it to my father. The woman will have to make it available to the police, but my parents fear that they will pretend like they don’t know about it.

Everyone knows in town who did it. The police officially say about arson, but it is obvious that they will not find the person who did it.

My mum is writing to the media right now, and my dad and his business partner will go to the central investigative office, but not sure if this will help at all.

There is only 4000 people in my town and they are all scared.

I don’t want to get involved in all this, but I am angry that in times, when the communism is over and we have democracy in my country things like that still happen.

What would happen in your country in such situations? What would you do?

I think I know what to do now

After the drama of the last conversation I had with him I thought hard about what I should do. I spoke to my sister, who knows him well and to M. who also spent as much time with him as I have, and I have made my decision.

First of all, I can’t break up with him now, when I am away. I need to see him first. Breaking up needs to wait a little…at least 2 weeks. Due to some living arrangements we made before I need to live with him for 2 weeks after I come back.

This gives me enough time to evaluate my feelings for him. Of course I am emotionally attached and he is not, this is clear. However, after what he told me I think that my feelings are changing, which is good.

During those two weeks I will behave like nothing’s happened. I will continue to have fun and enjoy the closeness we share together. I am planning to go on dates to see if I can date other people and how this will make me feel.

I am sure he will not date anyone behind my back. I know he values me as a friend and he will be afraid I will cut him out, which gives me a little bit of security.

I will see where this will lead us.

After that time he will move out and the whole thing will probably slow down due to my work and us living in separate flats.

If after 2 weeks I will decide that I still have feelings for him and I’m in love then I would need to break it off. And by that I mean cut him out of my life completely. I cannot be friends with him. So, I won’t see him, or talk to him again. At least until I feel better and go through the whole break up pain. If I can be with him, knowing he doesn’t feel what I feel and be fine with all that, then I will leave it as it is and enjoy friendship and sex.

In my mind these two weeks give me time and gives him time, too. I know him well enough to know how scared he is of relationships and that being with someone equals losing his independence. It also gives me time to remind me how amazing I am – something that he has clearly forgotten.

If after this time he is not able to open up to me, then it will be OVER. I cannot date someone, who kisses me and gives me all the affection and knowing that this all isn’t real.

Until the 2 weeks expire I will behave like my old self and treat him like before. I need to losen up and have fun. If I start analysing everything he says and does I will go crazy.

Of course the deadline might change and we will see how this goes, but for now this is my plan. I figured this out today and it already made me feel better. I talked to him whole evening and didn’t feel stressed about it, or nervous and didn’t push him for any information. After he told me he was going out by himself to a club I didn’t even feel jealous, which is a major step for me.

Let’s see what happens.

What have I just agreed to??

I finally managed to talk to HIM.

I told him I was in love with him and that I did want him to be more affectionate.

The chat was pretty long, so I will try to put it in a few paragraphs.

He doesn’t love me. He likes spending time with me and he enjoys my company very much, but he doesn’t love me. He shouldn’t have said that he ‘might be in love with me’. This was a mistake. In his opinion we have a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship, but without the love on his side he thinks it’s more like being good friends with sex. He would find it ok if I had someone else. He would be very sad, but he could live with that. He thinks that this set up is not fair to me and I need to decide what I want. Maybe being friends would be better.

I did decide to keep things where they are. I treat him as a boyfriend and I do love him. I am angry with him that he took his love confession back though and he admitted to being a total ass. But I still decide to drag this with one exception: I do want commitment. I don’t want him to sleep with or date anyone else. If he once decides to do so, he needs to break up with me immediately.

He said he didn’t want me to tell him if I see other people as that would be hurtful and he prefers to live without that knowledge.

I am not sure what I’ve just done. My head is telling me to break this off, but my heart is telling me something different. Maybe it is worth fighting for this relationship?

My sister told me that HE is not a relationship guy, that at the moment he is very focussed on himself and on having good time and on whatever can distract him from his depressive states. And I do realise that and yet…I’m dragging this along for whatever reason.

Truth to be told that I can’t imagine us being together long term. I can’t picture us making life decisions together, or even living together. I also don’t have long term plans, so it is hard for me to say what I want from him anyway. Maybe for now I just want a little commitment and to be able to hang out with him?

I really don’t know….It’s so confusing.

I’ve had enough! It’s time to be honest!

Yesterday, after midnight (Thailand time) HE sent me a message ‘9 days’. I knew what he meant, but I pretended I didn’t. ‘To what?’ I asked. ‘Until you get back’ he replied.

I thought it was sweet of him. Most of the time when we write, which is every day, we mostly joke around, or talk about sex. From time to time he makes a comment, like ‘can you come back already?’ When I try to ask him if he misses me he dismisses it and changes the subject. Only once he said he missed me a little bit.

Yeah…a little bit…What an ass!

So, yesterday after the ‘9 days comment’ I said ‘You miss me, don’t you? I know you do…’ After which he logged out and didn’t log in again until early this morning. I knew he was out with my sister partying, so I tried not to bother him. What’s the point in talking with a drunk guy any way? But I was fuming!

Truth to be told I have never heard from him a nice word, except the time he said he might be in love with me, which was just before I left for India. I realise that actions speak better than words, but I am far away, I miss him and I want to know if he misses me, too. I am a loving, affectionate woman and I need words in my life from a man I’m in love with to make me feel good.

I do not require him to tell me anything cheesy and pay me compliments. I do not want him to tell me he misses me every day, but I do want to hear that from time to time. I feel like an idiot every time I say something to him about my feelings and he either changes the subject, or just dismisses it.

I’ve had enough! Seriously! I know I should wait until I get back and talk to him face to face, but I do need to say something now. I will wait now until he wakes up and logs in again and I will tell him what an idiot he is. That’s it! Divorced and Single is pissed off!