After the drama of the last conversation I had with him I thought hard about what I should do. I spoke to my sister, who knows him well and to M. who also spent as much time with him as I have, and I have made my decision.
First of all, I can’t break up with him now, when I am away. I need to see him first. Breaking up needs to wait a little…at least 2 weeks. Due to some living arrangements we made before I need to live with him for 2 weeks after I come back.
This gives me enough time to evaluate my feelings for him. Of course I am emotionally attached and he is not, this is clear. However, after what he told me I think that my feelings are changing, which is good.
During those two weeks I will behave like nothing’s happened. I will continue to have fun and enjoy the closeness we share together. I am planning to go on dates to see if I can date other people and how this will make me feel.
I am sure he will not date anyone behind my back. I know he values me as a friend and he will be afraid I will cut him out, which gives me a little bit of security.
I will see where this will lead us.
After that time he will move out and the whole thing will probably slow down due to my work and us living in separate flats.
If after 2 weeks I will decide that I still have feelings for him and I’m in love then I would need to break it off. And by that I mean cut him out of my life completely. I cannot be friends with him. So, I won’t see him, or talk to him again. At least until I feel better and go through the whole break up pain. If I can be with him, knowing he doesn’t feel what I feel and be fine with all that, then I will leave it as it is and enjoy friendship and sex.
In my mind these two weeks give me time and gives him time, too. I know him well enough to know how scared he is of relationships and that being with someone equals losing his independence. It also gives me time to remind me how amazing I am – something that he has clearly forgotten.
If after this time he is not able to open up to me, then it will be OVER. I cannot date someone, who kisses me and gives me all the affection and knowing that this all isn’t real.
Until the 2 weeks expire I will behave like my old self and treat him like before. I need to losen up and have fun. If I start analysing everything he says and does I will go crazy.
Of course the deadline might change and we will see how this goes, but for now this is my plan. I figured this out today and it already made me feel better. I talked to him whole evening and didn’t feel stressed about it, or nervous and didn’t push him for any information. After he told me he was going out by himself to a club I didn’t even feel jealous, which is a major step for me.
Let’s see what happens.