During the last week the situation between HIM and me wasn’t that great. We were arguing about a lot of things. Most of the arguments were coming from me. I was PMSed and during that time I become depressed and I tend to blame people around me for all of my problems. Usually my low self esteem is lower than ever and I am anxious and scared of every day life. It has always affected my relationships with others, but the older I get the worse it becomes.
And now it affects my relationship with HIM – the relationship I want to keep and which I am destroying slowly.
He has never gave me any reasons to be jealous and yet I am freaking out that he might be seeing someone else, or that he will leave me. So, I do the worst thing I can in a situation like that – I am trying to push him into promising me that he will never leave me.
He has been working a lot during the last week at last minute projects. He has been stressed and frustrated, and anxious about his financial situation. And what am I doing? I am blaming him for not spending enough time with me.
I cause tension between us. He recently told me that I was a great girl, but recently I have been driving him a little nuts. I am actually surprised that he is still sticking around.
A part of me is also self concious about what I am doing with my life, about the fact that I don’t earn much, that I do not have a career and that I stopped being ambitious. I just want to have fun. And he is a web designer making good money and plans for the future. Whereas I have no idea about what I am doing. I think that part causes me to be so insecure in this relationship. I keep thinking: ‘what is he doing with someone like me? why does he like me so much? I’m sure that one day he will realise that I’m not intelligent enough, not knowledgeable, that I’m lazy, worthless and too desperate to have a boyfriend and then he will leave me’.
I just wish I could have a job like him – something creative, something that would sound important. When he asks me about my job I am ashamed to talk about it…It feels like it’s not enough.
This morning we had a little argument again… He has a huge amount of work to do, but despite that he spent two days with me this weekend and did not work and still I had to blame him for working too much.
After the argument I went for a coffee and sat in the coffee shop for a bit. I emailed my counsellor whom I saw after the divorce and set up a skype session with her for Tuesday. I think it’s time to work on myself a little. I think I reached a point where I need to address my issues as they might destroy yet another relationship with someone, who is special and worth of me changing for better.
Please keep your fingers crossed for me.