I’m coming home

Tonight I have my return flight back to Chiang Mai. I fly out of Kochi at 11 pm and will be home tomorrow at 4 in the afternoon.

There are many reasons why I can’t wait to be back: I’m fed up with covering myself in 40 degrees heat, because men here are not used to seeing women’s shoulders and legs, I am tired with people staring at me all the time, I’m fed up with the wi fi, every single Indian dish is starting to taste the same and I need beer, sex and rock ‘n’ roll. I also miss my sister, I miss my friends, I can’t wait to meet some new people that joined our small circle, I miss driving my scooter and I want my bed back.

As to HIM…Well, I know you guys gave me great advice. I am smart enough to know that I probably should finish that off. I also want to mark on the fact that the last post about HIM was written in a heat of the moment and it would probably be curel of me to leave him like that.

I have not made my decision on what to do with this. After the conversation I had with him about feelings I did not speak to him for a couple of days. I ignored his messages. My feelings have not changed, but my attitude towards him did. I just let it go. I am not sure how to explain this, but I just decided to chill out. I think he must have sensed that because suddenly I started getting messages like: ‘when are you coming back? Can you come back already?’. He even sent me a song ‘Baby come back’ yesterday. He sometimes messages me at 5 am.

Now, I know this doesn’t mean anything and I do not want to overthink this. I am just enjoying the attention he hasn’t given me for a bit now. I like that…And whatever happens when I get back, happens and if I end up with a broken heart I will know that this was due to my choice.

Wish me a good flight back.

Florence and the Machine

I hardly ever buy albums. I usually create playlists on youtube and stream music from there.

There are only 2 bands/musicians I buy albums of: Muse and Florence and the Machine. 

Florence is an amazing woman. I have seen her live and it was one of the best performances I have seen. Her music is a cure to my worries and struggles. I listen to words carefully. It is pure poetry.

On the 1st of June a new album is coming out and I cannot wait. This one features a song called ‘What kind of man’. Listen to it…Do you know why I like it so much?

Listen to the song here.

A small town mobster story

To distract you from my stupid decisions and reasoning I have decided to share a story with you and ask what you think of it.

It is not connected to sex or love, just to warn you.

I come from a small town in Poland. It is a very sleepy settlement that comes alive only during the summer season when thousands of tourists come here to enjoy the fresh air and white sandy beaches.

Because the people living in the town earn money during those 3 months there is a lot of competition between them…and it is often an unhealthy one.

My dad has owned a lot of business in the town during the last 30 years. Due to his recent problems and some deals he made with his partner not much has left. One of the things he owns now are boats that transport tourists from the town to the National Park. It is one of a few ways that people can get in there. The other one is by a mini van, or electric cars. These are owned by this small town Dickhead (I will call him that cause I don’t really have any other name for him).

The Dickhead is a little older than me and he is a psycho. He used to date a good friend of mine when I was still at school. He used to beat her on a regular basis. At one point he drove her out to a forest, tied her to a tree and beat the shit out of her. The girl didn’t press charges, but after years of abuse she finally got out of the relationship.

After he finished school he opened a couple of businesses in town, including the cars that I’ve mentioned. Since then whenever he feels that he loses money because of some competition he threatens people, burns their cars and houses. Every one knows what he does, but no one wants to say anything.

He also has a father and an older brother that are both policemen and whenever the Dickhead is in trouble, they make it look like it’s someone else’s fault.

A few days ago him, my dad and my dad’s business partner got into an argument. This very night my dad’s boats were set on fire. The damage is worth around 200,000 zlotych – which is a LOT of money. The boats were insured, but the damage has been done and it happened just before the summer season.

Apparently a lady, who owns a land next to were the boats were docked has a CCTV recording from that night, where you can see who caused the fire, but she is too scared to give it to my father. The woman will have to make it available to the police, but my parents fear that they will pretend like they don’t know about it.

Everyone knows in town who did it. The police officially say about arson, but it is obvious that they will not find the person who did it.

My mum is writing to the media right now, and my dad and his business partner will go to the central investigative office, but not sure if this will help at all.

There is only 4000 people in my town and they are all scared.

I don’t want to get involved in all this, but I am angry that in times, when the communism is over and we have democracy in my country things like that still happen.

What would happen in your country in such situations? What would you do?

I think I know what to do now

After the drama of the last conversation I had with him I thought hard about what I should do. I spoke to my sister, who knows him well and to M. who also spent as much time with him as I have, and I have made my decision.

First of all, I can’t break up with him now, when I am away. I need to see him first. Breaking up needs to wait a little…at least 2 weeks. Due to some living arrangements we made before I need to live with him for 2 weeks after I come back.

This gives me enough time to evaluate my feelings for him. Of course I am emotionally attached and he is not, this is clear. However, after what he told me I think that my feelings are changing, which is good.

During those two weeks I will behave like nothing’s happened. I will continue to have fun and enjoy the closeness we share together. I am planning to go on dates to see if I can date other people and how this will make me feel.

I am sure he will not date anyone behind my back. I know he values me as a friend and he will be afraid I will cut him out, which gives me a little bit of security.

I will see where this will lead us.

After that time he will move out and the whole thing will probably slow down due to my work and us living in separate flats.

If after 2 weeks I will decide that I still have feelings for him and I’m in love then I would need to break it off. And by that I mean cut him out of my life completely. I cannot be friends with him. So, I won’t see him, or talk to him again. At least until I feel better and go through the whole break up pain. If I can be with him, knowing he doesn’t feel what I feel and be fine with all that, then I will leave it as it is and enjoy friendship and sex.

In my mind these two weeks give me time and gives him time, too. I know him well enough to know how scared he is of relationships and that being with someone equals losing his independence. It also gives me time to remind me how amazing I am – something that he has clearly forgotten.

If after this time he is not able to open up to me, then it will be OVER. I cannot date someone, who kisses me and gives me all the affection and knowing that this all isn’t real.

Until the 2 weeks expire I will behave like my old self and treat him like before. I need to losen up and have fun. If I start analysing everything he says and does I will go crazy.

Of course the deadline might change and we will see how this goes, but for now this is my plan. I figured this out today and it already made me feel better. I talked to him whole evening and didn’t feel stressed about it, or nervous and didn’t push him for any information. After he told me he was going out by himself to a club I didn’t even feel jealous, which is a major step for me.

Let’s see what happens.

What have I just agreed to??

I finally managed to talk to HIM.

I told him I was in love with him and that I did want him to be more affectionate.

The chat was pretty long, so I will try to put it in a few paragraphs.

He doesn’t love me. He likes spending time with me and he enjoys my company very much, but he doesn’t love me. He shouldn’t have said that he ‘might be in love with me’. This was a mistake. In his opinion we have a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship, but without the love on his side he thinks it’s more like being good friends with sex. He would find it ok if I had someone else. He would be very sad, but he could live with that. He thinks that this set up is not fair to me and I need to decide what I want. Maybe being friends would be better.

I did decide to keep things where they are. I treat him as a boyfriend and I do love him. I am angry with him that he took his love confession back though and he admitted to being a total ass. But I still decide to drag this with one exception: I do want commitment. I don’t want him to sleep with or date anyone else. If he once decides to do so, he needs to break up with me immediately.

He said he didn’t want me to tell him if I see other people as that would be hurtful and he prefers to live without that knowledge.

I am not sure what I’ve just done. My head is telling me to break this off, but my heart is telling me something different. Maybe it is worth fighting for this relationship?

My sister told me that HE is not a relationship guy, that at the moment he is very focussed on himself and on having good time and on whatever can distract him from his depressive states. And I do realise that and yet…I’m dragging this along for whatever reason.

Truth to be told that I can’t imagine us being together long term. I can’t picture us making life decisions together, or even living together. I also don’t have long term plans, so it is hard for me to say what I want from him anyway. Maybe for now I just want a little commitment and to be able to hang out with him?

I really don’t know….It’s so confusing.

I’ve had enough! It’s time to be honest!

Yesterday, after midnight (Thailand time) HE sent me a message ‘9 days’. I knew what he meant, but I pretended I didn’t. ‘To what?’ I asked. ‘Until you get back’ he replied.

I thought it was sweet of him. Most of the time when we write, which is every day, we mostly joke around, or talk about sex. From time to time he makes a comment, like ‘can you come back already?’ When I try to ask him if he misses me he dismisses it and changes the subject. Only once he said he missed me a little bit.

Yeah…a little bit…What an ass!

So, yesterday after the ‘9 days comment’ I said ‘You miss me, don’t you? I know you do…’ After which he logged out and didn’t log in again until early this morning. I knew he was out with my sister partying, so I tried not to bother him. What’s the point in talking with a drunk guy any way? But I was fuming!

Truth to be told I have never heard from him a nice word, except the time he said he might be in love with me, which was just before I left for India. I realise that actions speak better than words, but I am far away, I miss him and I want to know if he misses me, too. I am a loving, affectionate woman and I need words in my life from a man I’m in love with to make me feel good.

I do not require him to tell me anything cheesy and pay me compliments. I do not want him to tell me he misses me every day, but I do want to hear that from time to time. I feel like an idiot every time I say something to him about my feelings and he either changes the subject, or just dismisses it.

I’ve had enough! Seriously! I know I should wait until I get back and talk to him face to face, but I do need to say something now. I will wait now until he wakes up and logs in again and I will tell him what an idiot he is. That’s it! Divorced and Single is pissed off!

A little about India

I will try to put this all in one post.

How is India? Well, it’s beautiful, stunning, calm, relaxing and quiet. It gets lonely at times. It is now low season here in Kerala, so there are almost no tourists. I have made friends with some locals on the beach, but most of the time I have been by myself. I have had time to think…maybe a little too much…

My favourite town so far has been Kochi. It is dirty, filthy but magical. The streets with the old colonial, falling apart houses are give the town a character.

The highlight of my trip has been the Kthakali performance – an ancient art, where usually 2 or 3 actors perform a story using only their movements and facial expressions. The play is usually accompanied by traditional music and singing.

I liked the beach, but I liked the locals there more. I talked to so many people it is hard to count.

I have been through some crazy bus rides in the mountains. I lived in a home stay, where the owner sleep walked at night and tried to get into my bed (yeah, scary!).

At the moment, I am in 5* resort. I normally don’t stay in such places, but I found a good deal on the internet and decided that this will be my early birthday present.

As to the safety – most of the time I feel safe and I am not bothered by men. Once or twice I have been catcalled, but most of the time the locals here look after me. I show up at bus stops and someone always asks me where I am going and makes sure I get on the right bus.

Indians are so nice and curious. Sometimes I just want to give them all a big hug.
Today, for a example, I got up early and went for a walk and everyone I met on my way was greeting me with a cheerful ‘good morning’. What a lovely country this is!

During this trip I have been through ups and downs, but mostly I am enjoying myself. It is a great experience.
But, I feel home sick and can’t wait to go back…9 more days!

Here are some pictures – that’s my postcard to you all.

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Taken in Kochi

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Sunset in Kovalam

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One of my favourite shots – an albino horse and his master – taken in Munnar

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A boy lightning the candles before the Kalaripayattu fight

Isn’t love suppose to be something nice and wonderful?

Before HE came back I was fine. I felt like I was a whole person again and I knew where I was going. I stuffed my face with some food after work and watched ‘Chuihaha movie’ and ‘Toothfairy’, and ‘Scarface'; I went out with my sister and C and talked about dicks and war in Iraq, and felt single and free….

Then he came back and ruined everything.

Suddenly, after only a week of spending time with him I feel like my good, single girl energy is gone again. To quote after a character in a bollywood movie I have seen here in India ‘I feel like a pressure cooker’. I feel like I’m about to burst. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. When I stand I want to sit, when I sit I want to lay down, when I lay down I want to stand… It’s killing me!!

I didn’t ask for this. I was going to be cool about the whole thing. I was going to be reserved.

My mind is saying that I should stay away, that he’s leaving in a few months and that he might be too childish for a relationship I want. But I just can’t help feeling how I feel.

The distance doesn’t help here. I think of what he is doing. He usually messages me a couple of times a day. Yesterday he didn’t and I was already thinking that maybe he’s found someone else, or maybe he is not interested in me cause I might have been too opened with my feelings and he’s not enjoying the chase any more. I am driving myself crazy.

Isn’t love suppose to be nice? Isn’t suppose to give you wings and make you smile to yourself all the time?

Can someone rip my heart out and take this feeling away? Or maybe someone could open up my head and put some wisdom into it?

Is he or isn’t he?

After I published my last post HE messaged me saying he missed me. He actually said he missed me so much it made him feel sick. This was something new. I had tried to tell him I missed him during his 5 months away and he had always dismissed it. Now, he was saying that to me. I was thrilled.

Last night we had a little conversation. He was telling me about going to a club and dancing with a girl. Of course, I got upset. He said that nothing had happened, but I was still upset. I am bad at relationship stuff, but we hadn’t talked about being exclusive, so I thought I had not had any right to show him how him dancing with another woman upset me. But at the end I just couldn’t hide it. I said I was normally not as jealous. ‘It’s ok’ he said ‘You’re in love with me. It’s normal’. I didn’t deny. I thought he should know that I had feelings for him. I tried to tell him that it was not normal being so jealous all the time, but he cut the conversation short.

I asked him if he was in love with me. ‘Maybe a little’ he said.
Wait a second…hadn’t he said something else before? What does ‘maybe a little’ even mean? Is he or isn’t he? I didn’t push, but it did get me thinking… Am I alone here with my feelings? Is it mutual, or am I in love with someone, who isn’t returning it back to me? Is this a dead end? Or maybe I am trying to read too much into it?

We also established the fact that he was not going to hook up with anyone else until I come back.

I don’t think he is as insecure about this whole thing as I am. I think he trusts me 100% and knows how I feel. I don’t have that confidence. I have no idea why. Is this something I could work on, or is it HIM somehow doing it to me?
Maybe I should make him feel a little insecure then? Make him guess and wonder what I am doing here?

I don’t like being in love. It has spoiled all my good energy I have gathered during the last 5 months.

Here I am going on an adventure with some butterflies

I am just sitting in McDonalds at Kuala Lumpur airport, enjoying air con, fries and listening to Madonna (I love her old songs). I am nervous. India will be so much different from any other countries I have visited so far. I will spend a month there. A whole month! If you don’t know already, I am going to Kerala. It is said that it is a more laid back region of the country and not as intimidating for women. But I am still nervous…

I am staying a couple of days in Koch, the capital of the region and then moving to Kovalam, where I have booked to stay with a Couchsurfing host, who is Russian and seems like an interesting guy. After that, who knows?

I am in constant touch with HIM. We message every day. I can’t stop thinking about him. I have constant butterflies in my stomach and feel really scared and nervous about the whole thing. It is mostly due to my low self esteem and some experiences I have been through before. I am scared that he will treat me as some sort of toy, that he is fascinated by me and likes me a lot, but he will play with me for a bit and then ditch me. I do not plan on staying forever with him, but do not want to be treated badly again. I am scared that he is with me now because he doesn’t have anyone else in his life at the moment. I am scared that this month apart will ruin what we’ve had (although, we did last almost 6 months apart).

I am scared of my own feelings, too. I don’t know how to show him what and how I feel. The butterflies make me sick…I don’t like being in love.

I keep wondering if he would be seeing other people while I am away. Sometimes, I just wish I hadn’t learn about the fact that you can sleep with others until you decide to be exclusive. What is this shit anyway? When I dated the X a while ago it was obvious straight away that we were exclusive. We didn’t even have to talk about it. And nowadays you need to figure out if he/she is seeing other people, if you should talk about it, and if you talk about it then you might get really hurt. It’s such a bollocks!

I wonder what your opinion on this is? How do you deal with exclusivity when you date?
How do you think I should show HIM my feelings when I am so far?
Should I discuss all my worries with HIM?

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