A good date with amazing sex

I went on a date yesterday with the Pretty Boy. It took him half a day to decide where he wanted to go. I made him decide because I just didn’t care. All I cared about was getting laid, to be honest.

Anyway, we went for a nice Burmese meal in a little place near my building, and spent almost two hours talking. Conversation with him is easy, but at times he annoys me. I hold myself back to show how much I am irritated. He also has a strong, French accent, which makes it more difficult for me to understand him. He has a vast knowledge about physics and philosophy, which makes the conversation interesting, but because of the accent I just sometimes smile and nod, because I really don’t get what he talks about sometimes. I wonder if he thinks I am stupid.

After the meal we went to mine to watch a movie. Well, I didn’t have a movie in mind, but that was one way of lurking him in to my place. He is not really a person that talks dirty, or openly about his sexual needs. I find it difficult to tell him when I want to have sex. He is a true gentleman, and I think he’s just not the kind of person, who would use me for sex, which is a good thing…and a bad, too. Finally, after those two last years, after my divorce, I discovered that I am a sexual person, and I do like talking about sex with my partners, and I do want a LOT of sex. If I have someone nice to have a regular sex with, I can do it 24/7. I also want to do crazy things, like having sex in public places.

But, with the Pretty Boy I feel like I need to use excuses to have sex with him. Like the time I offered I was going to visit him, but really I wanted a good sex session, and I spent an hour talking with him about everything and nothing, while watching a tiny drip of sweat rolling down his shirtless, perfect body, and thinking about his cock. I could simply not focus on anything he was saying. Finally, after an hour, when he was dressing to go out with me, I kissed him and dragged him to bed.

But, back to yesterday.

I chose to watch ‘Shame’, which is a movie about a guy addicted to sex, and the film, as you can imagine, has some nice sex scenes.
After about 10 minutes into the movie, we started making out, undressing, touching each other…He went down on me, and I’m telling you – I’ve had quite a few lovers, but I have never had anyone like this before. Pretty Boy is special. He does something with his lips that sends me to the moon.
After I returned the favour we watched the movie until the end, and after we had sex. I really don’t know why he is so different from other guys I’ve had as he doesn’t really do anything out of unusual, but sex with this guy is cosmic. The only thing that is sometimes missing is the roughness, but I think he is beginning to learn what I like and incorporating this.

Today I can’t stop thinking about last night. The conversation might not be that great and I would need time to get to know him better to actually like him, but the sex…oh the SEX!!! The more I have it the more I want it. I am almost ready to go and see him after work, and have his beautiful body.

I feel almost sad when I think that I might have to break it off when HE comes back in 2 weeks.

Maybe I just like being treated badly…

I had to apologize to the Pretty Boy. I really felt bad about being so mean to him. He didn’t deserve it and I missed him. He said he just didn’t call me back cause he didn’t have any credits on his phone, but was planning on contacting me. I was relieved. We made up and everything was back to normal. And normal means: no contact for a few days, then meet up randomly, and spending some time during the weekend, including a sex session (an AMAZING sex session).

At the moment I am very confused about what and how I feel about him. I really do like him. I think he is a nice, sensitive guy. He treats me right, we have a good connection. I like our little deal of not spending too much time together as it fulfils my need for being close with someone, sex and intimacy, but leaves me plenty of space at the same time.

However, I do kind of want more…We had a conversation about it two days ago. I asked him who I was for him, and he said he didn’t want to put any labels on me. He said that it was me who didn’t want to be in a proper relationship and it was me, who made that clear at the very beginning. He also said that he wasn’t a guy who goes around picking other women up and sleeping around, which made me think that it was some kind of a declaration of being exclusive. I am fine with that…I think.

And then we went camping…together…like a couple…

The problem with me is that I don’t know what I want. As I said, I like him and I want to be with him. But I do want to be with him when he seems distant, and when he wants space. Once he gets too close I pull away and I feel annoyed with him of being too affectionate.

And I must admit that I do not want to commit to him before HE comes back and I am absolutely sure that nothing’s going to happen between us – although, I really doubt that.

And talking about HIM:

I compared the Pretty Boy to HIM. HE is funny, makes me laugh and we have an amazing connection, but he’s also immature and afraid of commitment. The Pretty Boy is completely opposite of this. He wants a relationship, he likes me and I know that he would adore me if I could only let him do that. Did I mention the sex, which is out of this world? But I still hold myself back and protect myself from all this…

Maybe I’m some kind of a masochist that likes to be treated badly?

I know it is my fault, but it still feels shitty to be ignored

I didn’t mention that before, but last week I’d had a terrible PMS. We all went out for a friend’s good bye party and I was in a horrible, horrible mood. The Pretty Boy was with us and I was such a bitch to him. I think if someone ever treats me this way like I treated him, I would never talk to them again. And yet, he sticked around through out the night.

After that I didn’t hear from him again. His best friend messaged me a few days ago saying that he and the Pretty Boy will cook together and if I wanted to come over. I had other plans, so I politely declined. It did make me think that the Pretty Boy didn’t invite me himself, as he does in situations like that, but I didn’t think much about it.

Then yesterday I was out in a club and saw him. He was walking outside with a girl he had met during his TEFL course. I went to say hello and it was a little bit awkward. Not sure why…So, I just said I was inside of the club and if he wanted to join me. He said he might come later.

When the party finished I met his friend and we were looking for him. No sign. I tried to call him a couple of times and he didn’t answer. The girl I had seen him with before was with us and he called her to say he was already at home.

I thought that at least he would message me, but no…nothing…

I know that I have been a bitch to him. I also realise that he wanted more from me, and I just couldn’t give that to him, but it still does feel a little shitty that he ignored me like that and disappeared.

I am kind of disappointed. I know I can’t be with the guy because I’m not in a place to do that, and I don’t like him in that way, but I do want him to desire me like he did before…. This makes me feel a little bad about myself.

Am I too rude?

I don’t use OKC any more. I still have it on my phone, but I don’t really go on there. However, sometimes I get messages from men. I usually don’t reply. Most of the time they are too young, too old, or are travellers, who are looking for a hook up.
Once in a while I get a message that I just need to reply to. Like the one from a guy, who had enormous muscles and all of his profile photos were selfies, taken in a gym. Let me just add that he wasn’t wearing a t-shirt in any of them. He sent me a message that said ‘Hi’. That was it. It made me laugh and kind of…I don’t know…angry? annoyed? What was he thinking? He thought he had muscles and he was going to send a message that only said ‘hi’ and I would be in the 7th heaven that someone like THAT thought of contacting me. I don’t like men that are full of themsleves, and I don’t like muscles either. So, I replied saying ‘Yeah, you’ve just blown my mind’. He didn’t reply for a few days and finally said ‘Thanks for the heads up’, which didn’t make sense at all. I left it at that.

Another message I received was yesterday. Mr. Msex said: ‘ i am italian and i am 26! ehm! what to say! well, i am pansexual too, but in this period i am looking for a female friend to be…………………..pegged with strapon or dommed or whatever, be the toy of a girl! if this could interest you you know who i am! i am in pai and i travel often to chiang mai! bye bye!’
I was perplexed. I mean…what did he mean by saying he was ‘pansexual, TOO’. WTF? I have never stated anything about my sexuality on there, except saying I was hetero. The whole message annoyed me. I really do NOT like when men are so straight forward. I understand that someone is looking for a hook up, but I do prefer a very casual chat first. I never say anything sexual to a person, whom I haven’t met in my life.
I was not going to reply, but I was drunk and sent him this: ‘You are 26… Toy of a girl… Man are you for real? I have no idea what makes u guys think i want to be dominated.’
He then said he had written it wrong and he wanted to be dominated. I just said ‘No way! Sorry!’

Am I too rude?

Plans for the next few months and exciting news about my travel blog

The school year is finally finished. I have 3 weeks to go of sitting in the office and basically doing nothing. And then I have 2 months off. At the beginning of April I will probably go and visit a guy, who comes from my home town and who, by for one reason on another, lives in Thailand as a monk. The place where he lives is very remote and I’m not sure how to get there, but I will…somehow.
I will visit him for a few days.

On the 9th of April HE is coming back. I stopped looking forward to it mainly because I am really busy and excited with what is going on with my travel blog and my plans for the next couple of months that I don’t want to distract myself from it.

From 13th to 15th of April we have the Thai new year here, which is normally really wet and crazy.

And then I am leaving on the 17th. First I will spend 3 days in Bangkok. This is the exciting part – one of the travel websites is sending me there to write a couple of posts about my experiences of the city. Although the budget is pretty tight, they are paying for my accommodation, transport, food and entrances to the museums etc. This is my first written assignment and I couldn’t be more excited about it. I hope this is the beginning of something new for me and I will get more and more of things like that. This would be my ultimate dream come true – writing for travel websites, which would pay for my stay anywhere in the world, and if I can earn some extra cash on this – BONUS!
I really do want this to happen in the next few months, so I can quit my job here and travel full time. I could potentially have my base here, or in Poland.

After my 3 days in Bangkok I will go to Kerala, India for a month. I have a rough plan, which includes a 2 weeks stay in an ashram.

Then I am coming back to CM and start working on the 2nd of June.

The next few months will be so EXCITING!!

I am a horse

No, I didn’t go crazy. This is something I though about recently. I once read that men are like horses. If you want to catch them, and run around after them, they will run away from you, but if you turn around and slowly start walking away, they will suddenly follow you. Someone wrote that in relation to women being needy and men liking to chase.
The reason why I thought about it was that I have been thinking of the Pretty Boy lately quite a lot. Not over thinking and losing sleep over it, but just wondering what he’s doing and if maybe I should call him and go on a date with him.
Since I told him that I wanted to be single and didn’t want a relationship he hasn’t been in touch as often as before. I can see that he’s trying not to get attached. He still has feelings for me, which I can sense easily, but he is trying to keep his distance. So, I hear from him less, I see him less, and he stays away from me when we are out. He gives me a lot of freedom and at the same time, he’s always around.
That’s why I think I might be that horse that suddenly realised that someone spends less time to give it the attention it needs and suddenly is curious of why this is happening.

On the other hand I am thinking that maybe I started liking the Pretty Boy because I do need sex from time to time (and the sex with him is AMAZING), and I crave the affection, which he gives me whenever I feel comfortable enough to allow him to show it to me.
After all, deep down, I know that I can’t commit to this guy, because if the opportunity arises I will cheat on him. I am 99% sure of that. I do not want to hurt him. He’s a really nice guy.
There’s also a month left until HE comes back and I still don’t know what is going on with that. At the moment I don’t think anything will happen with HIM. I have a feeling that we drifted apart, but I do need to be absolutely sure before I get myself involved with anyone else.

Luckily, I am not wasting all my energy on thinking about these things. I allow them to drift in my head, but I do not catch them and analyse them. Hard to explain, but the good news is that I do not waste my energy on useless things.

What I do use my energy on is developing some other things on the side. There is a project I am working on with Sister. I also got one offer to earn extra money on the side in Chiang Mai, and an exciting opportunity in connection with my travel blog, but I do not want to say anything cause there is a big chance that it won’t happen, but I am still proud of myself that someone offered it to me. It might be a first step to my big dream – becoming a travel writer (and just in case the universe hasn’t heard it this month – I DO WANT TO BE A WRITER!!)
So, I have been writing and thinking of my next move, and being excited about life in general.

Lots of love to all of you :)

Why can’t I just open up?

I saw the Pretty Boy yesterday, first time after 4 days. The meeting was from my own initiative. There’s this poem in Polish that goes something like: ‘When I don’t see you, I don’t cry, I don’t sigh, I don’t lose my mind, but when I don’t see you for a while I crave something. And in my mind I ask myself a question: is this friendship, or is this love?’ – of course it sounds much better in Polish. My translation is rubbish. Besides, I am not in love with the guy, but…I kind of like him. He likes me too, much more than I like him, I think.

I still don’t know what I actually feel for him. he doesn’t occupy my mind on a daily basis, but after a few days I start wondering what he’s doing. I like spending time with him, and talking to him, even though he has a very bad French accent, and it is hard sometimes to understand what he says (which makes me laugh), but he actually listens to me and is really, really attentive and nice.

Yesterday he told me that he had bought a spare helmet for me, because he knew he was going to drive me on his scooter. The helmet is pink with flowers. He knows that all my accessories for my scooter are very girlie, and that I like make fun of it.
When I put it on and said I don’t like helmets, cause I look like an idiot, he said I looked beautiful, which I didn’t know how to react to. It made me feel really awkward.

He also told me he liked me very much, which again I didn’t know what to say to and I only said ‘yeah, I know’. Awkward again!

We had sex yesterday and when we started I thought I wanted him to stop, because it was getting kind of boring. I know he likes to ‘make love’, but having sex like it’s a scene out of ‘Notebook’ is getting a little on my nerves. And when I was going to tell him to stop, he suddenly turned me over on my belly, pulled my hair back and…fucked me…Oh MY GOD! That was so great I get wet just thinking about it. So, I made sure that he knew how good that felt for me.

This morning he was kissing me all over before he left.

I am really confused by what I actually feel for this guy…

I am going to continue to see him, but I think it will never turn into a relationship. I am too confused and too unstable with my feelings at the moment.
On the other hand, why can’t I jsut fall in love with someone who is as great as the Pretty Boy? Why do I hold my emotions inside of me?

I am refusing to be like my mother

After I’d sent a link to my new post on my travel blog (which was in Polish and it doesn’t really happen to me that often that I write in my native language) to my mum I received the following email: ‘The post is great. You’re so talented. Nothing new here. It’s, as always, depressing.’ I rolled my eyes at this.
Situation with my parents hasn’t changed much, when it comes to their financial situation. They managed to sort it out with a lawyer and are paying off debts. I do understand that it is very hard for my mum to cope with that, and it is easier for me to just brush this whole thing off because I am so far away.

However…

When I think about my mum I realise that I have never seen her truly happy. She’s a funny person, and has a great sense of humour, but has she ever been HAPPY? No, there was always something wrong.
My dad worked hard through out his whole career, and through most of it we did have money. My parents went for holiday once a year, my mum had nice clothes and went to hairdresser and for spa treatments at least once a week. My grandma helped them all the time. When my mother was away my grandparents were looking after the house and stayed with us. But, my mum was not happy.
She always came up with reasons why it should have been better and why her life sucked. There was never enough money, her house wasn’t clean enough, she didn’t have enough shoes, or the newest furniture.

She blamed my grandmother (and blames her till this day) that she didn’t move to Australia when she had a chance, because she felt guilty to leave my grandparents. My grandma might have had something to do with that, but I think it is only my mother’s fault that she didn’t go, and it is such a bullshit that she felt guilty. I know my mum well enough to believe that she was just too scared of the unknown, and she would have never taken the risk, even if my grandmother hadn’t been the obstacle here.

I spoke to my mum on Skype two weeks ago. I was really upbeat when I called her. I wanted her to know how happy I was, but all she was talking about was their problems (fair enough, the situation is overwhelming for her a little), and how my grandma, who lives with her, is making my mum even more depressed. Then she started saying how terrible the weather was, that it was windy and rainy, and grey. OH MY GOD! I get annoyed just thinking about it. First of all, she really should be happy that my grandmother at 92 is still healthy and kicking. She lives with my parents now, and helps my mum as much as possible. She cleans, does laundry, and the beautiful garden my mum is so proud of is only my grandmother’s achievement, no one else’s.
And the weather? Of course it is rainy and cold. They live on the Polish coast. But, look at this place! Just look at it!

stilvolles-strandhotel

Even if it’s cold you can wrap yourself up warm and go for a lovely walk! But does she do it? No, she sits at home, growing her already fat belly and smoking cigarettes!

And after she complained about everything and everyone she moved on to my life. She didn’t forget to mention that ‘I wasn’t young any more’, and that I don’t have a steady job, and I should find ‘my place in the world’, and that I might end up ‘on the streets, begging for food’. Her words, I swear.

Is it then a surprise that I am scared of everything in my life? Yes, I moved to Thailand and yes, I continue to do what I want, but that costs me so much nerves and energy. I sometimes can’t sleep at night because I am scared…Scared of everything. I am scared that I will have cancer, that I will lose my job and end up ‘on the streets, begging for food’, I am scared that something will happen to my parents and I will have to go back home and sort out their debts and other shit I don’t really want to deal with.
Is it a surprise at all?

I have a holiday coming up soon. I will have at least a month off. I did want to go to Poland to visit my parents, but after calculating the mental and financial costs of such a trip, I decided to stay in Asia and go to India instead.
It does make me feel guilty that I don’t want to go home and visit them…I mean, I do want to go, but I know that the trip will leave me exhausted mentally, and I am in a good place in my life now, and don’t really want to spoil that.
It is a complicated situation. I love my mum to bits. She’s my mother after all, but she just makes me depressed. Whenver I talk to her she makes me feel old. I look in the mirror, at the changes that started appearing on my face, and think that I am not 15 anymore, that I am in fact 34, and all those things my mum said to me recently are flooding into my head. I feel like a loser then…

But, then I think how unhappy my mum is. I could also blame her for some things that happened in my life, but I erase those thoughts as soon as they appear. I do not want to copy her mistakes. I do not want to be miserable, so I am looking for anything positive in everything that happens. And even if something happens to my parents, and I have to go back, I will try my best to find something good in that situation, too.

What is your mother like? Do you also have issues with her?
What do you do if you feel scared, or depressed?

I wish someone special came along

My sex/love life is in stagnation right now…Well…not really…

I avoided the Pretty Boy for a while. He annoyed me and was too much into me. I finally had to tell him to keep his distance, that I wanted to be single for a while and I couldn’t be in a relationship right now. He understood and stopped contacting me. After I came back from the festival last weekend I kind of missed him, so I sent him a message and asked him out.
We had a nice dinner. There was no kissing and no touching. I had a good time, and after I found myself thinking about him a little.

We met again on Saturday. We had a dinner and went to a park. Again, it was nice. I thought that I started liking him and I could date someone, who appreciates me and is nice to me. We met other people for drinks that night, and he was annoying me again. I don’t know what it is, but when I’m alone with him it is nice, but once we are in a social situation he gets on my nerves.
But that didn’t stop me from inviting him over for the night.

The sex was good. It is always good. I wish it was a bit more rough and he was less delicate, but I enjoy having sex with him. I wish he could just pin me to the wall and rip my clothes off, but he like celebrating my body. He is everything what being a French lover means to me.

This morning when he woke up he was cuddling me and kissing my back, and I found myself cringing from his touch. I wanted him to go.
There was too much affection…
I normally like cuddling and spending a day in bed with a guy, but this time I wanted to get rid of him.

I found myself recently feeling disinterested with men. I have some sort of a mental block. I don’t get excited about men, nor sex that much – it’s like I need it, but I know that my mental needs won’t be met.

In my previous posts I said that I didn’t want a boyfriend. This is still true, but on the other hand I do want someone special in my life. I do want them to just walk into my life and sweep me off my feet. I don’t want to overanalyze, lose sleep or weight over it. I want to fall in love without any drama. I wish someone special could come along.

My weekend men

Friday

I met a Canadian Hipster. What a nice guy, and handsome, too! We had a little chat. He then disappeared into the night, but found me on OKC the next day (Chiang Mai is so small). We exchanged a couple of messages. He asked me what I was doing in the evening, I said I was busy (I wasn’t really, but didn’t want to go out with him). I haven’t heard from him since and I think he is leaving tomorrow anyway.

I met the Pretty Boy in a bar. He makes those puppy eyes I bloody hate. His mate, a very nice Indian guy, was hitting on me and then he must have talked to the Pretty Boy and let it go. He then asked me ‘how is your boyfriend?’ and pointed at the Pretty Boy. I was like ‘Whaaat?’ Didn’t have a chance to talk to the Pretty Boy about it then. If he thinks we are a couple, he is out of his mind! I am telling you, stay away from the French guys if you want to have a casual relationship.
Sister and I were going to move to another bar with them, but then decided otherwise and went home.

Anon, a very nice Thai boy, asked for my number and called me the next day. I couldn’t talk with him as I was at a flower parade with my friend. He said he would call again, but he didn’t. I am not sure if I actually want to keep this up and contact him first.

Saturday

We met Sister’s Hook Up Boyfriend, who is half Thai and has lots of Thai friends. They are so nice (western guys should learn from Thais, seriously).
I met a French guy (another one, I know!) – quite good looking, but there was something off about him. He asked for my Facebook, I said I would give it to him, but I won’t go out with him as I am not interested in men at the moment. He was surprised and pushed for it. I said I would think about it.
I went to the bar and when I came back it was obvious that the French dude and my sister were talking about me. I didn’t ask about it and gave the guy my Facebook. Only after he left Sister said that he had said something like ‘Your sister is very beautiful, but there must be something wrong with her. She should have children and a husband. She is not happy’. I automatically defriended the guy.

Sister’s Hook Up Boyfriend’s friend – Bo likes me a lot and he was all over me on Saturday. I like him, too. He is a little chubby, but so nice, polite and funny. He is like a cuddly toy. However, he is 22 and, despite my taste in younger men, he is too young for me. Shame!

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