Why can’t I just open up?

I saw the Pretty Boy yesterday, first time after 4 days. The meeting was from my own initiative. There’s this poem in Polish that goes something like: ‘When I don’t see you, I don’t cry, I don’t sigh, I don’t lose my mind, but when I don’t see you for a while I crave something. And in my mind I ask myself a question: is this friendship, or is this love?’ – of course it sounds much better in Polish. My translation is rubbish. Besides, I am not in love with the guy, but…I kind of like him. He likes me too, much more than I like him, I think.

I still don’t know what I actually feel for him. he doesn’t occupy my mind on a daily basis, but after a few days I start wondering what he’s doing. I like spending time with him, and talking to him, even though he has a very bad French accent, and it is hard sometimes to understand what he says (which makes me laugh), but he actually listens to me and is really, really attentive and nice.

Yesterday he told me that he had bought a spare helmet for me, because he knew he was going to drive me on his scooter. The helmet is pink with flowers. He knows that all my accessories for my scooter are very girlie, and that I like make fun of it.
When I put it on and said I don’t like helmets, cause I look like an idiot, he said I looked beautiful, which I didn’t know how to react to. It made me feel really awkward.

He also told me he liked me very much, which again I didn’t know what to say to and I only said ‘yeah, I know’. Awkward again!

We had sex yesterday and when we started I thought I wanted him to stop, because it was getting kind of boring. I know he likes to ‘make love’, but having sex like it’s a scene out of ‘Notebook’ is getting a little on my nerves. And when I was going to tell him to stop, he suddenly turned me over on my belly, pulled my hair back and…fucked me…Oh MY GOD! That was so great I get wet just thinking about it. So, I made sure that he knew how good that felt for me.

This morning he was kissing me all over before he left.

I am really confused by what I actually feel for this guy…

I am going to continue to see him, but I think it will never turn into a relationship. I am too confused and too unstable with my feelings at the moment.
On the other hand, why can’t I jsut fall in love with someone who is as great as the Pretty Boy? Why do I hold my emotions inside of me?

I am refusing to be like my mother

After I’d sent a link to my new post on my travel blog (which was in Polish and it doesn’t really happen to me that often that I write in my native language) to my mum I received the following email: ‘The post is great. You’re so talented. Nothing new here. It’s, as always, depressing.’ I rolled my eyes at this.
Situation with my parents hasn’t changed much, when it comes to their financial situation. They managed to sort it out with a lawyer and are paying off debts. I do understand that it is very hard for my mum to cope with that, and it is easier for me to just brush this whole thing off because I am so far away.

However…

When I think about my mum I realise that I have never seen her truly happy. She’s a funny person, and has a great sense of humour, but has she ever been HAPPY? No, there was always something wrong.
My dad worked hard through out his whole career, and through most of it we did have money. My parents went for holiday once a year, my mum had nice clothes and went to hairdresser and for spa treatments at least once a week. My grandma helped them all the time. When my mother was away my grandparents were looking after the house and stayed with us. But, my mum was not happy.
She always came up with reasons why it should have been better and why her life sucked. There was never enough money, her house wasn’t clean enough, she didn’t have enough shoes, or the newest furniture.

She blamed my grandmother (and blames her till this day) that she didn’t move to Australia when she had a chance, because she felt guilty to leave my grandparents. My grandma might have had something to do with that, but I think it is only my mother’s fault that she didn’t go, and it is such a bullshit that she felt guilty. I know my mum well enough to believe that she was just too scared of the unknown, and she would have never taken the risk, even if my grandmother hadn’t been the obstacle here.

I spoke to my mum on Skype two weeks ago. I was really upbeat when I called her. I wanted her to know how happy I was, but all she was talking about was their problems (fair enough, the situation is overwhelming for her a little), and how my grandma, who lives with her, is making my mum even more depressed. Then she started saying how terrible the weather was, that it was windy and rainy, and grey. OH MY GOD! I get annoyed just thinking about it. First of all, she really should be happy that my grandmother at 92 is still healthy and kicking. She lives with my parents now, and helps my mum as much as possible. She cleans, does laundry, and the beautiful garden my mum is so proud of is only my grandmother’s achievement, no one else’s.
And the weather? Of course it is rainy and cold. They live on the Polish coast. But, look at this place! Just look at it!

stilvolles-strandhotel

Even if it’s cold you can wrap yourself up warm and go for a lovely walk! But does she do it? No, she sits at home, growing her already fat belly and smoking cigarettes!

And after she complained about everything and everyone she moved on to my life. She didn’t forget to mention that ‘I wasn’t young any more’, and that I don’t have a steady job, and I should find ‘my place in the world’, and that I might end up ‘on the streets, begging for food’. Her words, I swear.

Is it then a surprise that I am scared of everything in my life? Yes, I moved to Thailand and yes, I continue to do what I want, but that costs me so much nerves and energy. I sometimes can’t sleep at night because I am scared…Scared of everything. I am scared that I will have cancer, that I will lose my job and end up ‘on the streets, begging for food’, I am scared that something will happen to my parents and I will have to go back home and sort out their debts and other shit I don’t really want to deal with.
Is it a surprise at all?

I have a holiday coming up soon. I will have at least a month off. I did want to go to Poland to visit my parents, but after calculating the mental and financial costs of such a trip, I decided to stay in Asia and go to India instead.
It does make me feel guilty that I don’t want to go home and visit them…I mean, I do want to go, but I know that the trip will leave me exhausted mentally, and I am in a good place in my life now, and don’t really want to spoil that.
It is a complicated situation. I love my mum to bits. She’s my mother after all, but she just makes me depressed. Whenver I talk to her she makes me feel old. I look in the mirror, at the changes that started appearing on my face, and think that I am not 15 anymore, that I am in fact 34, and all those things my mum said to me recently are flooding into my head. I feel like a loser then…

But, then I think how unhappy my mum is. I could also blame her for some things that happened in my life, but I erase those thoughts as soon as they appear. I do not want to copy her mistakes. I do not want to be miserable, so I am looking for anything positive in everything that happens. And even if something happens to my parents, and I have to go back, I will try my best to find something good in that situation, too.

What is your mother like? Do you also have issues with her?
What do you do if you feel scared, or depressed?

I wish someone special came along

My sex/love life is in stagnation right now…Well…not really…

I avoided the Pretty Boy for a while. He annoyed me and was too much into me. I finally had to tell him to keep his distance, that I wanted to be single for a while and I couldn’t be in a relationship right now. He understood and stopped contacting me. After I came back from the festival last weekend I kind of missed him, so I sent him a message and asked him out.
We had a nice dinner. There was no kissing and no touching. I had a good time, and after I found myself thinking about him a little.

We met again on Saturday. We had a dinner and went to a park. Again, it was nice. I thought that I started liking him and I could date someone, who appreciates me and is nice to me. We met other people for drinks that night, and he was annoying me again. I don’t know what it is, but when I’m alone with him it is nice, but once we are in a social situation he gets on my nerves.
But that didn’t stop me from inviting him over for the night.

The sex was good. It is always good. I wish it was a bit more rough and he was less delicate, but I enjoy having sex with him. I wish he could just pin me to the wall and rip my clothes off, but he like celebrating my body. He is everything what being a French lover means to me.

This morning when he woke up he was cuddling me and kissing my back, and I found myself cringing from his touch. I wanted him to go.
There was too much affection…
I normally like cuddling and spending a day in bed with a guy, but this time I wanted to get rid of him.

I found myself recently feeling disinterested with men. I have some sort of a mental block. I don’t get excited about men, nor sex that much – it’s like I need it, but I know that my mental needs won’t be met.

In my previous posts I said that I didn’t want a boyfriend. This is still true, but on the other hand I do want someone special in my life. I do want them to just walk into my life and sweep me off my feet. I don’t want to overanalyze, lose sleep or weight over it. I want to fall in love without any drama. I wish someone special could come along.

My weekend men

Friday

I met a Canadian Hipster. What a nice guy, and handsome, too! We had a little chat. He then disappeared into the night, but found me on OKC the next day (Chiang Mai is so small). We exchanged a couple of messages. He asked me what I was doing in the evening, I said I was busy (I wasn’t really, but didn’t want to go out with him). I haven’t heard from him since and I think he is leaving tomorrow anyway.

I met the Pretty Boy in a bar. He makes those puppy eyes I bloody hate. His mate, a very nice Indian guy, was hitting on me and then he must have talked to the Pretty Boy and let it go. He then asked me ‘how is your boyfriend?’ and pointed at the Pretty Boy. I was like ‘Whaaat?’ Didn’t have a chance to talk to the Pretty Boy about it then. If he thinks we are a couple, he is out of his mind! I am telling you, stay away from the French guys if you want to have a casual relationship.
Sister and I were going to move to another bar with them, but then decided otherwise and went home.

Anon, a very nice Thai boy, asked for my number and called me the next day. I couldn’t talk with him as I was at a flower parade with my friend. He said he would call again, but he didn’t. I am not sure if I actually want to keep this up and contact him first.

Saturday

We met Sister’s Hook Up Boyfriend, who is half Thai and has lots of Thai friends. They are so nice (western guys should learn from Thais, seriously).
I met a French guy (another one, I know!) – quite good looking, but there was something off about him. He asked for my Facebook, I said I would give it to him, but I won’t go out with him as I am not interested in men at the moment. He was surprised and pushed for it. I said I would think about it.
I went to the bar and when I came back it was obvious that the French dude and my sister were talking about me. I didn’t ask about it and gave the guy my Facebook. Only after he left Sister said that he had said something like ‘Your sister is very beautiful, but there must be something wrong with her. She should have children and a husband. She is not happy’. I automatically defriended the guy.

Sister’s Hook Up Boyfriend’s friend – Bo likes me a lot and he was all over me on Saturday. I like him, too. He is a little chubby, but so nice, polite and funny. He is like a cuddly toy. However, he is 22 and, despite my taste in younger men, he is too young for me. Shame!

3 reasons why I think I will stay single for a while

Reason number 1

Sister and I are standing outside of a night club, talking. After completely ignoring another guy and his lame attempts to chat us up I start laughing. ‘We are very rude tonight’ I say to her. ‘Well, I came here to drink beer and look at handsome men. I don’t give a fuck what other people have to say’.
I agree with her.

Reason number 2

I am watching a very cute Thai boy. ‘You know?’ I say to my sister ‘Men are like a piece of art. You look at him and you think ‘hmm he’s a handsome dude’, but you don’t really want to take him home, cause he won’t go with your carpet, or your life style for that matter.’

Reason number 3

‘I would like to have a boyfriend one day, I think’ says Sister. ‘I don’t for now’ I say ‘and you know why? Because I don’t want to shave my legs every day, I don’t want to clean my flat when he comes over, I don’t want to compromise my free time. I want to come back from work, lay down, stuff my face with food, put the TV on and watch a film. And I want it to be a film I have seen before, like….. ‘Marley and Me’, because I fucking love ‘Marley and Me’ and I don’t want some fucking guy to tell me it’s a lame movie, and if I want to watch fucking ‘Marley and me’, or a ‘Toothfairy’ I will watch it. PERIOD.’

Wednesday ramblings

A few things happened in the last few days and I don’t want to bore you with details, so I will keep everything in one post and will try to keep it short.

M and BF

I haven’t hanged out with M and BF so much recently. They are both cool people, but I noticed that since Christmas we have grown apart a little. I thought that I would not be sentimental about them leaving, but I was. Yesterday, they had their farewell do and we cried like babies. I hate when people leave and I hate saying good bye!

THE PRETTY BOY

The French guy came back on Saturday from his meditation retreat. I met him at his hostel. We had sex and it was good, of course. I spent a nice time with him, but other than sex there is nothing that attracts me to him.
I had a French boyfriend before and I know how they date. As soon as you kiss them, or sleep with them, they think you are an exclusive couple. And that was what happened with the Pretty Boy.
He wanted to see me too often, invited me to dinners, and when we were together, in a social situation, he was touching and kissing me all the time, which made me uncomfortable.
I finally had to tell him that I wanted to stay single, and I didn’t have any feelings for him. I offered him to continue as friends with benefits, or just friends, and he agreed to have sex with me from time to time only.
I guess I got myself a friend with benefits.

HE

HE told me today he was coming back on the 9th of April. I think I still should be in Chiang Mai, but it is the time where my holiday starts and I might also be away.
He is planning to stay here for 6 months. It is a fair amount of time for the things to get settled between us. We either decide to stay together, or we split again.
The communication between us is steady.Sometimes we don’t talk for a week. I usually don’t seek contact. He is always the first one to message me. And once we start talking, we can do so 3 – 4 days in a row.

I think often about what happens when he’s here. Today he was saying that he would like to go to different places in Chiang Mai with me, he wants me to take him running, he wants to spend the Thai new year with me. He clearly wants to see me…But he also said that after 6 months he would need to move somewhere and he might go to Brazil. When I said that I didn’t want to let him go, he said he was his own man, which is a fair thing to say. Just as much as me, he cannot predict what happens to us and he can’t let his life evolve around me, or something that we are not sure about. I think I just hoped for a more delicate and romantic answer.
But I don’t want to spend another 6 months with a guy, whom I will split with eventually. Is there a way out of this situation?

I also think about planning my life. I have been feeling restless recently and that I want to move again. I look up places and imagine myself living there. I wonder what happens if we actually decide to stay together. I don’t want to compromise and quit my lifestyle because of love.
But this is of course only a theoretical problem. We do not know what is going to happen. Maybe, during the next 2 months, I will meet someone, who will sweep me off my feet and I will forget about HIM.

For the time being, you can’t blame me for thinking all those things. I have been waiting for him for so long and now he is coming back and that is just a bit overwhelming.

LIFE IN GENERAL

Besides that, everything is steady. I still go running 3 times a week, which makes me a) tired (in a good way. The kind of tired, when you sleep like a rock) and b) hungry (I eat like a horse!)
Because of the latter, and because of the fact that I quit smoking, I think I might have put on some weight (I also blame the beer here). I will try to shed that extra fat by the time HE comes back, but it will be hard. I love food so much, and I’m in Thailand after all, where food is everywhere.

Except the Pretty Boy I haven’t hooked up with anyone. A couple of guys took my number and we have been in touch, but I have no interest in them. I talk about men all the time, but it is like admiring a piece of art: I really like it and I appreciate it, but I wouldn’t take it home. It is nice to admire from the distance.

Next week we are going to a music festival outside of town. There is a couple of us that are going. I seriously can’t wait. I so want to get out of town!

Nothing to update you on really, so I will repeat myself

‘Divorced and Single, you need to write about those stories’ said C. wiping tears off her cheeks. We were sitting in a local restaurant, having dinner and I was telling her and 3 other girls about my dating adventures. They were crying of laughter. Little do they know that I already write about this.

They were trying to get me to date more guys from OKC, so I can have more stories. I thought it wasn’t such a bad idea, but I seriously don’t have strength for this. Maybe if I didn’t work and didn’t have a rich social life, I could do it. I could go on a date with that huge, muscely guy, who only has half naked selfies, taken in a gym, and who sent me a message that only said ‘cute’ (I had to reply to this and said ‘Yeah, that just swept me off my feet’ to which he replied ‘Thanks for the heads up’, which didn’t make sense at all. I was tempted to continue this conversation for my amusement, but ditched the idea at the end), or with one of those countless guys, who say things like ‘Hi beautiful, wanna hook up?’But at the moment, I am focussing on myself a little and enjoying my life as it is. It doesn’t mean that I don’t have men in my life, but they are mostly crushes I have and I am almost sure that nothing is going to happen. Oh, maybe except this half Thai – half American guy, that owns a restaurant in my area. He has the most sexy voice on the planet, and I am planning to ask him out.

So, at the moment I spend my evenings reading. I am reading Brene Brown and Byron Katie’s amazing books. I also finished ‘Eat, Pray, Love’, which left me feeling very positive about life.
I watch movies and some documentaries – watch ‘Children Underground’. It is shocking!
I run a couple of times a week, and then spend my weekends doing crazy things.
I know I said that before, but life is good!

International love: I took advantage of the French and broke a little Brazilian heart

One of the things I enjoy about being single (and I have just actually discovered that enjoyment) is that I can do whatever I want. I love that. I look at men like they sometimes look at us – screening them from head to toes, I talk about their asses and penises with my girlfriends, I drink, I go out and I have fun, and when the time is right I have sex and snog people. Life is awesome!

The French guy came back on Friday. We met for drinks. I had forgotten how pretty he was (I will call him the Pretty Boy from now on). Maybe he’s too pretty for my taste. We went out with C. and Sister. He was tired from travelling, but said he wanted to stay until I decided to go home. It’s not easy to get me to leave a party and go to bed. I usually stay until 5 or 6, but he was stubborn and stayed with us. I didn’t care much. I think he’s a sweet guy, but I just don’t feel any connection between us.

So, we went home at around 5 and had sex until around 7. The sex with him is incredible. I don’t feel any mental connection, I am not that attracted to him, but once we are in bed it is so great I don’t want it to stop.

He left yesterday morning for a meditation retreat. We will see each other when he’s back.

Yesterday, at another party (yes, my weekends are crazy), I noticed a guy with the most beautiful face. He looked really young and was pretty short, but his face was just gorgeous. He came to talk to me. It turned out he was Brazilian. He spoke with a broken English and had the most ridiculous sense of humour.
He was on a mission of finding Sister a Thai boyfriend, and was going around the bar asking any guy that looked Asian all sorts of questions.
He made me laugh.
I did like his face, but thought he was a little too short for me. After a little dancing and talking he kissed me. I always thought that snogging on a dance floor is for 15 year olds, but this time I thought ‘what the hell. I want to have some fun’.
Brazilian boy was all over me the whole night. At first, it was flattering and nice,but then it just became annoying. I left the party alone and was happy to wake up this morning without a man by my side.

In the afternoon the Brazilian boy sent me a message asking if I wanted to meet before he left. At that point I realised that I had forgotten that we exchanged Facebook details, and made a promise to myself to be more careful with giving it out to people.
I declined his offer. He said it was ok.
After a bit Sister messaged me: ‘Your Brazilian is heart broken. He just confessed to me how much he likes you and that he will never forget you’.
Oh gosh, I only snogged the guy and talked to him a bit, had some fun and he is being so dramatic!

‘I want to have sex with you’ he sent me another message.
‘That’s nice, but I don’t like one night stands’ I replied. ‘
‘I can stay for another couple of days…’ he said.
Oh no, no, no!
I think I managed to convince him to leave. That would probably be another guy, who would knock on my door at 4 am.
Bless his broken, Latino heart though.

I am happy and I’m not afraid to show it

I have been feeling so happy recently. I didn’t want to say anything before, because sometimes when you say it out loud the feeling disappears. But I can’t hide that any longer. I am happy. And it doesn’t matter if my parents are in financial trouble, or that I miss home sometimes so much that it hurts. I am happy.

There are moments when then happiness is so strong it almost rips out my chest. I feel like I am about to burst. I am not exaggariating. And whenever the feeling of dread and anexiety washes over me, I remind myself to be grateful. I look for something small to focus on, like a palm tree, or a coconut seller, smiling to me. I am grateful for every moment. I truly am.

I had these moments of hapinness before, but they never lasted so long.

I started feeling like that at the same moment I ‘broke up’ with the Fresh Meat. I suddenly realised that I am free to do whatever I want. I focused on my writing and my two blogs (this one and the travel one). My travel blog is doing better and better, and was recognized by one of the travel websites as one to follow this year. After that I thought why not to try and work on it harder, so one day I can make a living out of it. That’s my goal for now.

I started thinking of my future, and looking at my savings I realised that I could not work for a bit and travel again. I might do that next year, and go to South America.

Recently, I have started exercising and I sleep so well. I haven’t slept like that for a long time.

I haven’t had a man in my life (at least no one significant I wouldn’t make fun of) for a while. I might need some physical relationship, but I am afraid what might happen when I get too involved. My whole positive energy might be destroyed and I will be back into overanalyzing and worrying.

HE is coming back in April and I hope that until now I can sort my feelings for him out. At the moment I really don’t know what I want. I still have strong feelings for him. We still chat every day…but…I am scared that he comes here and he will ruin my self-confidence and my happiness and I will turn into a mess again. On the other hand, I would like to be with him, but I am worried that he won’t want the same. So, until he comes back, I hope that I will be able to decide what to do when he’s finally here.

Meanwhile, the French guy I slept with a few months ago, is back in town. I haven’t seen him yet. He arrived today. I don’t like him that much, but he is beautiful and has the softest skin I have ever touched, and he’s good in bed, so I hope him coming here means lots of sexy time.

Fingers crossed for me getting laid this weekend.

How to get a Thai boyfriend

Very often my sister and I wonder how Thai nation survived. Not only you don’t see couples holding hands, but also you don’t see men hitting on women in clubs, bars, nor on the street.

I love Thai boys, and I would like to date one, but it just seemed impossible to me to get through to them, until yesterday….

We had a big ceremony at school that started at 5am on Monday morning. During the whole day there were prayers, so I was hiding in the Teacher’s room. Only a couple of times I had to attend the ceremony. While sitting on the floor, in front of the Buddha image, I noticed the Boy, the Hunky Teacher and the PE Teacher all staring at me. I seriously don’t know how to react to this kind of attention. They never talk to me, but they obviously like me and only smile at my from a distance. Normally, I would come up to at least one of them, and maybe ask them out, but the culture here is so different that I do not know what’s allowed and what’s not. So I just return their smiles and go on with my life.

At around 7pm (yes,we were at school from 5am until 8pm) other teachers and I went outside to eat. We sat on the stairs when the Hunky Teacher passed us by and smiled at me.

‘OOh’ said my Boss, raising his eyebrows ‘new boyfriend? You like him?’ he asked.

I didn’t know what to say to that, but then thought ‘oh what the hell!’ and admitted that, indeed, I really liked the boy.

Teacher M, a very cute female colleague of mine, called the Hunky Teacher to us and started saying something quickly to him in Thai. All I understood was that I liked him, and she was asking if he liked me. I went red from top of my head to the tip of my toes. This was like in high school.

The Hunky Teacher said that he did like me and looked at me, and smiled. (OMG, I want to fuck this guy so much!)

Then they proceeded questioning him and then ‘advertising’ him to me. ‘He is so tall, and handsome, and has rich parents, and he is an architect, and will have his office in a few years, when he is done with teaching’. And during the whole thing they were serious. They weren’t joking. They were really trying to get this guy to date me…or whatever it is called, here in Thailand. I stopped protesting after a couple of minutes, and I just nodded and looked at the guy like he was a prize in a contest.

‘If you marry him, you will give me 25% from the wedding gifts’ laughed my Boss.

Suddenly, the Boy turned up.

‘Divorced and Single, which one do you prefer?’ asked my Boss. Shit, this question was so out of order, but they all waited for me to reply. I quickly changed the subject.

My Boss wrinkled his nose and said ‘I think the Hunky Teacher is better. He is taller and you like tall, right?’ Oh my god! Nothing can stay a secret in this school. I had mentioned something about height to one of the teachers, and now probably a whole school knows.

We finished eating and went inside the school. I sat next to Teacher M to observe the final ceremony. At the end the monks were throwing coins and sweets at us. I caught a couple of coins. ‘Keep it’ said Teacher M ‘it’s for good luck’. I smiled at her ‘Maybe it’s for good luck to find a new boyfriend’. ‘Yes’ she replied ‘to get the Hunky Teacher’.

So, now I know how to get a Thai boyfriend. You need to know someone, who knows a nice guy and get to him through friends, and behave like you are in high school again. Easy-peasy!

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