Is he or isn’t he?

After I published my last post HE messaged me saying he missed me. He actually said he missed me so much it made him feel sick. This was something new. I had tried to tell him I missed him during his 5 months away and he had always dismissed it. Now, he was saying that to me. I was thrilled.

Last night we had a little conversation. He was telling me about going to a club and dancing with a girl. Of course, I got upset. He said that nothing had happened, but I was still upset. I am bad at relationship stuff, but we hadn’t talked about being exclusive, so I thought I had not had any right to show him how him dancing with another woman upset me. But at the end I just couldn’t hide it. I said I was normally not as jealous. ‘It’s ok’ he said ‘You’re in love with me. It’s normal’. I didn’t deny. I thought he should know that I had feelings for him. I tried to tell him that it was not normal being so jealous all the time, but he cut the conversation short.

I asked him if he was in love with me. ‘Maybe a little’ he said.
Wait a second…hadn’t he said something else before? What does ‘maybe a little’ even mean? Is he or isn’t he? I didn’t push, but it did get me thinking… Am I alone here with my feelings? Is it mutual, or am I in love with someone, who isn’t returning it back to me? Is this a dead end? Or maybe I am trying to read too much into it?

We also established the fact that he was not going to hook up with anyone else until I come back.

I don’t think he is as insecure about this whole thing as I am. I think he trusts me 100% and knows how I feel. I don’t have that confidence. I have no idea why. Is this something I could work on, or is it HIM somehow doing it to me?
Maybe I should make him feel a little insecure then? Make him guess and wonder what I am doing here?

I don’t like being in love. It has spoiled all my good energy I have gathered during the last 5 months.

Here I am going on an adventure with some butterflies

I am just sitting in McDonalds at Kuala Lumpur airport, enjoying air con, fries and listening to Madonna (I love her old songs). I am nervous. India will be so much different from any other countries I have visited so far. I will spend a month there. A whole month! If you don’t know already, I am going to Kerala. It is said that it is a more laid back region of the country and not as intimidating for women. But I am still nervous…

I am staying a couple of days in Koch, the capital of the region and then moving to Kovalam, where I have booked to stay with a Couchsurfing host, who is Russian and seems like an interesting guy. After that, who knows?

I am in constant touch with HIM. We message every day. I can’t stop thinking about him. I have constant butterflies in my stomach and feel really scared and nervous about the whole thing. It is mostly due to my low self esteem and some experiences I have been through before. I am scared that he will treat me as some sort of toy, that he is fascinated by me and likes me a lot, but he will play with me for a bit and then ditch me. I do not plan on staying forever with him, but do not want to be treated badly again. I am scared that he is with me now because he doesn’t have anyone else in his life at the moment. I am scared that this month apart will ruin what we’ve had (although, we did last almost 6 months apart).

I am scared of my own feelings, too. I don’t know how to show him what and how I feel. The butterflies make me sick…I don’t like being in love.

I keep wondering if he would be seeing other people while I am away. Sometimes, I just wish I hadn’t learn about the fact that you can sleep with others until you decide to be exclusive. What is this shit anyway? When I dated the X a while ago it was obvious straight away that we were exclusive. We didn’t even have to talk about it. And nowadays you need to figure out if he/she is seeing other people, if you should talk about it, and if you talk about it then you might get really hurt. It’s such a bollocks!

I wonder what your opinion on this is? How do you deal with exclusivity when you date?
How do you think I should show HIM my feelings when I am so far?
Should I discuss all my worries with HIM?

10 things I wish I had known after the break up

Recently my Lovely Friend told me that one of her friends was getting divorced and that she had sent her a link to my blog. I felt sorry for the girl. No break up is nice. I also thought that my blog might not help her. I think it might confuse her.

I then looked back at myself 2 years ago, when X and I broke up and thought about the place I was in back then. What would have I done differently? What advice would I give myself? And I thought that maybe that learning from the mistakes I made would be the most useful for someone, who is just going through a divorce, or break up.
The below are things I have not only learned from my divorce, but also from other ‘relationships’ I’ve had since then.

1. Mourn
Every break up is hard. You have the right to mourn it, no matter what has happened. You have the right to cry and curse, and be angry. Don’t care what other people say. This is what you feel, express it!

2. Stop saying ‘I’ll be fine’
I think people normally don’t do it, but I did it. I kept saying ‘It’s OK. It doesn’t matter. I’m fine’. You are not fine. You are going through a major thing in your life. Accept that, along with the help that your friends and family are offering you.

3. You are not alone, but you are…
Your true friends and loved ones are there for you. At the beginning of the break up let them look after you, let them give you their love and affection. Accept it as a gift. However, be prepared that they also have their life and a lot of times they won’t have time to listen to you bitching about your ex…again. With some things you need to cope on your own. From now on you are your own friend.

4. Do not date too quickly
I was keen on trying things with new guys. I think it would have been fine if I hadn’t looked for more than sex and romance. As soon as I broke up with the X I was on the look out for a replacement. The truth is that the other people sense your desperation. I think having fun without any commitment is ok, but as soon as you want something more you might encounter a problem.

5. Give yourself a lot of time for your next relationship
You will feel when it is the right time to have someone special in your life, trust me. You will feel more relaxed about dating, and you will know what you want from your next partner.

6. Then let it go!
Give yourself time to grief. It might take you a year, or a couple of months, or a week. Listen to yourself and look inside yourself. When you finally think that you have cried all your tears, let it go. Your relationship has finished and you can’t do anything about it. Let him/her go and move on.

7. Enjoy your single life
Seriously! Go out, meet people, have casual sex, spend time with yourself, do whatever you want to do. Recently, I have embraced the fact that I could come home after a hard day of work, buy some junk food on the way, put the TV on and watch the worst movies ever. No one judged me for it, no one said anything. I was just being myself. I also enjoyed the fact that I could talk about penises with my single girlfriends without feeling totally guilty about it :)

8. Discover yourself
When I first broke up with the X I was so depressed. I really didn’t know what to do with myself. I didn’t know who I was. After almost over a year of being alone I finally started to enjoy my own company. I discovered that I liked being lazy, that I didn’t like tidying up, that I liked bad movies, and that I liked to surround myself with exactly 6 pillows before I fell asleep. I also found out I was a constant child and that I will never grow up. It has been an amazing adventure, trust me. This is all ahead of you.

9. After the grief is over start dating
There are men out there and they are hot, and they are also as screwed up in their heads as you are. Don’t get stuck with one at the beginning, date a lot of them and figure out what you are looking in a man.

10. This is not the end of the world!
The end of the world is the nuclear bomb! This is a beginning of something really wonderful. Embrace it as much as you can. Maybe, at this stage, you are not feeling it, but you will soon and you will feel wonderful. Just keep your chin up!

I really wish I had known all this when I was divorcing. After HE left me 6 months ago I let myself mourn for a couple of weeks, I also was determined to put some of the above in action, and I came out of it stronger and better than I was before.
You just need to look inside yourself and really recognize what you want in life.
Good luck!

Have I found my home?

I hate Bangkok! Literally, hate it. I feel intimidated and scared by all those people, cars and noise. People are not nice here. Since I have arrived only one local smiled at me. One!! In Chiang Mai everyone smiles. This is not the Land of Smiles they advertise on TV.

I have been here a couple of times before and I liked it. I didn’t love it, but I didn’t hate it like I do now. Mind you, I haven’t been out of Chiang Mai area for almost a year. This is something unusual for me. I sometimes had an urge to go away and change location, but that happened only a couple of times and lasted only a second.

Now, when I am finally travelling – a thing that I like to do the most in my life – I just want to go back home. ‘Home’ meaning my lovely Chiang Mai, where my friends are, and my flat is, and where I can drive my scooter everywhere, and where I don’t have to take train, nor stand in a queue to the taxi boat in 40 degrees heat.

This has never happened to me before. I never wanted to go back to London when I was on holiday. Strange…Is it possible that I can finally call a place a home?
The only thing is…Like my relationship with HIM, my relationship with Chiang Mai has an expiry date, too.

Those three words…

I am in Bangkok now. I have started my adventures again. I am spending 3 days here writing about my experiences for one of the travel websites. On the 20th I will be moving to India.
I am sorry to those, whom I have neglected recently. I love all of your blogs, but really didn’t have time to catch up with all of your posts. I promise I will do that soon.

The reason why I didn’t have time was because I got distracted by spending time with HIM, playing with water during the Thai New Year, and then by my family problems, which I will write about later.

As to HIM, things got intense as it always happens. I mean ‘intense’ in a good way. He rented a hostel for the time of Songkran (Thai New Year), but ended up spending most of his time with me. We went out almost every single night. One evening we took it easy and watched the ridiculous Chihuaha Movie at my place (it’s a movie I have watched a couple of times on Thai TV and remarked on it once to him, saying how relaxing it was for me to watch stupid movies after work, so he decided he needs to watch it with me).

A day before I left for Bangkok, we met all our friends and got drunk, as it happens here in Chiang Mai. It was a fun night.
At one point he said to me that he really liked me. I smiled and said that he didn’t like me and that it was time to admit that he loved me. ‘Well, I kind of do…’ he replied. I don’t know how I reacted to it. I think I was both drunk and stunned that it was hard for me to say anything. I remember asking him about it again and him repeating what he had said. Wow, just wow….

The next day we woke up and spent the day together. He took me to the bus station and said good bye. Of course, none of us said anything about the other night. I think we both have problems with expressing our feelings. I was afraid that I had misunderstood it and had been too drunk to think coherently.
We didn’t say anything about hooking up with other people while I would be away. I am not planning to, but I know he has Tinder on his phone, so maybe he will go on dates…We were just joking about me finding an Indian man, and him hooking up with backpacker girls, who we both don’t like.

I wasn’t sure if I should have said anything to him about what he said and I left it. I didn’t want to push it. But, maybe we should talk about it when I get back. Maybe, I should tell him how I feel…Although, he probably knows all that.

Apparently, I am good in bed

HE and I are having crazy sex. It doesn’t happen often, not as often as I would like it, but once it happens it is wild and really good. However, he has problems with finishing off. I thought it was because of me, that I wasn’t doing it right. I asked HIM about it.
‘I’m on this medication and think that it might be making it harder for me come’ he said.
‘Oh, I thought it was me’
‘I have to tell this, Divorced and Single…Sex with you is the best sex I have had in my life’.

This is quite a compliment. I have never thought I could be that good. I knew I wasn’t bad, but didn’t expect THAT.
I am very proud of myself.

Chiang Mai is so small…

On Saturday when we were partying a little again we went to the local club. HE was touching me all the time, holding my hand, which was nice. But it got a little uncomfortable when we bumped into the Pretty Boy, who by the way cut his hair really short and looked more yummy then ever.

The Pretty Boy talked to my other friends and managed to say a quick hello to me. Meanwhile, HE was kissing my neck, while I was trying to avoid it. So, he then stood behind me and was hugging me tightly. I was trying to get out of it. I felt awkward with the Pretty Boy seeing us.

The Pretty Boy had a little sunburn after his motorbike trip. He was a tiny bit red on his shoulders.

‘I think this guy needs to remember about a sun lotion next time’ HE said to me.
‘Yhym’ I replied.
‘Should I tell him? I think I should’ This is kind of a silly, drunken humour HE gets into sometimes.
‘NO!’ I shouted ‘Don’t talk to him’
HE looked at me like I was a crazy person, shrugged his shoulders and continued to caress my neck.

I need to remember that wherever I go with HIM there is a great chance I will bump into a guy, who I used to date, or who is hoping to date me. Chiang Mai is very small…

This is the reason you shouldn’t discuss relationship stuff while drunk

After our fall out I didn’t talk to HIM the whole of the next day. I was hurting inside. I went shopping and spend a lot of money and then went out with my sister. I actually had a good time, even though I was a little depressed, but I didn’t allow myself to think about him all the time.

The next day I messaged M. I said that I did want to contact him and clarify the situation, but my ego was hurting and I didn’t want to message him first. She advised me to stop playing relationship games and that if I felt bad then I should talk to him. So, I gathered all my courage and send him a message casually asking what he was doing. He said he was working. I asked if he wanted to have lunch with me. He said that he had had food. So, I sent him a long message about the fact that he had understood me wrong and that I didn’t want to have kids, or marry him, that all I wanted to have was to go back to what we had before.
‘That is strange’ he said ‘because I asked you exactly the same thing. I asked you if you wanted to go back to where we left off and you said that it would break your heart. So, I offered you my friendship. You got really upset and left’.
I could have facepalmed myself after reading this. Was I really that drunk?

I apologized.
Then I asked him what he wanted. He said that it wasn’t up to him since he had been the first one to ask that question. He also said that if being back together was something that would break my heart and I would be suffering then maybe we should stay friends.

Of course I couldn’t be just friends with him. Sooner or later we would end up in bed and I think that it would be better if we have some sort of a relationship then sleep randomly with each other and then pretend we are just friends. I think that would be hurtful to me.

After clarifying everything we went for a little trip outside of Chiang Mai with my sister and 2 other friends. We spent a whole day together. He was oddly quiet, but said he didn’t feel well.
In the evening we went for drinks and he got really drunk. For some reason he always wants to discuss emotional things when he’s drunk. I have decided not to do it, but he insisted on talking about the argument. He said he was still a little afraid of me (his exact words) because I scared him of leaving him that night and not coming back. He said he had wanted to text me just after I left. He had other things to say, but I interrupted him and told him I didn’t want to discuss it.

We spent the night together, which was nice, but I think I would prefer to have sex when we are both a little bit more sober.
This morning he brought me breakfast and we went for a massage. He was going to go for a pedicure with me, but I didn’t feel well and went home.

Now, to summarize: I do know that he is here for only 6 months. I do know that he will leave. I also realise that I will put myself through a break up again. On the other hand, I am taking my chances here because 6 months is a long time. He might stay, he might go, we might break up before those 6 months are done. Anything can happen.
I still don’t know if we are allowed to date other people. We didn’t when he was here before… I am soon going to India and am wondering if I should ask him if he is planning on seeing anyone else. But, what if he says that he is? That will hurt….

M is very supportive, even when she is hundreds miles away. She asked me to live my life and don’t freak out, so I am trying not to do that.

At the moment I cannot eat, I cannot sleep, the butterflies in my stomach are killing me. The reasons I went home this morning was because I felt so nervous around him that I actually felt sick. I spent a whole day in bed, trying to calm my stomach down. And here goes my emotional stability I have achieved during the last 6 months…. I want it back! On the other hand it is nice to have him around.

…and this is probably the worst day I have had in my life

I picked HIM up from the airport. He was friendly, there was no kissing. I thought that was fine. At first I wasn’t that attracted to him, but the more we talked, the more I wanted him. I really did want him in the way I hadn’t felt in a long, long time – the way you want someone, because his brain and your brain are on the same wave lengths.

He checked into his hostel and we went for drinks.

After a couple of beers he kissed me. I was over the moon. We made out like there was no tomorrow.

Then we went to a club. There was more kissing and touching. He told me I excited him and he can’t keep his hand off of me when we’re together. I said I had missed him. He just looked at me and said nothing.

We went to another bar and there he told me he was very attracted to me, that it wasn’t just physical, but he hadn’t been attracted to anyone on an emotional level like that before. I told him I had tried to date and hook up with other guys during the last 6 months, but it just didn’t work because I just couldn’t feel anything for anyone , but him. I told him I had feelings for him, but I was scared of being hurt as I knew he was leaving in 6 months.
Then he said something strange…He said he didn’t want marriage and kids (I was like…WTF?), nor relationship, that he could do without touching, or kissing me. When I asked if he wanted to be friends. He said that yes, he would like that. I sat there, staring at the bar and couldn’t believe what had happened. After a while I said I couldn’t be friends with him, that I can be friends with any other guy, but not him. He looked at me with that face that said ‘I’m sorry. I’m an ass’, but said nothing. I got up and left. I haven’t heard from him since.

This conversation should have not happened so early. I know. But it was him that started kissing me and talking about how much he liked me.
I should have held myself back, but on the other hand I had decided a while ago to let people know how I feel, and deal with the consequences.
I am now dealing with them. I am hurting a lot. I have been in love with him for so long and now I have a broken heart….yet again!

I am afraid I lost him forever….

Today might be the happiest day I have had in a while!

I have this fear in me that whenever I say how excited, or happy, I am about something that thing won’t happen. I don’t know where I get it from. Maybe because I don’t want to feel stupid afterwards…I don’t know.

That’s why when a week ago my friend asked me if I was excited about HIM coming back, I just shrugged my shoulder and said ‘Meh…kind of. I actually don’t think we will be together again. I just don’t want to have expectations, you know?’ I didn’t allow myself to be happy. Instead, I imagined that we would just be friends, that he would tell me he had a girlfriend, even that out of a sudden he was gay. Of course, I also imagined hot kisses, and even hotter sex, but I didn’t say anything out loud.

Few days ago something changed, and I finally couldn’t keep inside me any longer. Now, I openly say that I am EXCITED as hell! I can’t sit still, I walk around my apartment and I smile to myself like a stupid person. Quite frankly, I do not care if he doesn’t want to get back together. It will hurt me, but I can survive this. I am happy he is coming back.

In around 5 hours I will be picking him up at the airport. Keep your fingers crossed for my happiness.


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