Recently my Lovely Friend told me that one of her friends was getting divorced and that she had sent her a link to my blog. I felt sorry for the girl. No break up is nice. I also thought that my blog might not help her. I think it might confuse her.
I then looked back at myself 2 years ago, when X and I broke up and thought about the place I was in back then. What would have I done differently? What advice would I give myself? And I thought that maybe that learning from the mistakes I made would be the most useful for someone, who is just going through a divorce, or break up.
The below are things I have not only learned from my divorce, but also from other ‘relationships’ I’ve had since then.
Every break up is hard. You have the right to mourn it, no matter what has happened. You have the right to cry and curse, and be angry. Don’t care what other people say. This is what you feel, express it!
2. Stop saying ‘I’ll be fine’
I think people normally don’t do it, but I did it. I kept saying ‘It’s OK. It doesn’t matter. I’m fine’. You are not fine. You are going through a major thing in your life. Accept that, along with the help that your friends and family are offering you.
3. You are not alone, but you are…
Your true friends and loved ones are there for you. At the beginning of the break up let them look after you, let them give you their love and affection. Accept it as a gift. However, be prepared that they also have their life and a lot of times they won’t have time to listen to you bitching about your ex…again. With some things you need to cope on your own. From now on you are your own friend.
4. Do not date too quickly
I was keen on trying things with new guys. I think it would have been fine if I hadn’t looked for more than sex and romance. As soon as I broke up with the X I was on the look out for a replacement. The truth is that the other people sense your desperation. I think having fun without any commitment is ok, but as soon as you want something more you might encounter a problem.
5. Give yourself a lot of time for your next relationship
You will feel when it is the right time to have someone special in your life, trust me. You will feel more relaxed about dating, and you will know what you want from your next partner.
6. Then let it go!
Give yourself time to grief. It might take you a year, or a couple of months, or a week. Listen to yourself and look inside yourself. When you finally think that you have cried all your tears, let it go. Your relationship has finished and you can’t do anything about it. Let him/her go and move on.
7. Enjoy your single life
Seriously! Go out, meet people, have casual sex, spend time with yourself, do whatever you want to do. Recently, I have embraced the fact that I could come home after a hard day of work, buy some junk food on the way, put the TV on and watch the worst movies ever. No one judged me for it, no one said anything. I was just being myself. I also enjoyed the fact that I could talk about penises with my single girlfriends without feeling totally guilty about it :)
8. Discover yourself
When I first broke up with the X I was so depressed. I really didn’t know what to do with myself. I didn’t know who I was. After almost over a year of being alone I finally started to enjoy my own company. I discovered that I liked being lazy, that I didn’t like tidying up, that I liked bad movies, and that I liked to surround myself with exactly 6 pillows before I fell asleep. I also found out I was a constant child and that I will never grow up. It has been an amazing adventure, trust me. This is all ahead of you.
9. After the grief is over start dating
There are men out there and they are hot, and they are also as screwed up in their heads as you are. Don’t get stuck with one at the beginning, date a lot of them and figure out what you are looking in a man.
10. This is not the end of the world!
The end of the world is the nuclear bomb! This is a beginning of something really wonderful. Embrace it as much as you can. Maybe, at this stage, you are not feeling it, but you will soon and you will feel wonderful. Just keep your chin up!
I really wish I had known all this when I was divorcing. After HE left me 6 months ago I let myself mourn for a couple of weeks, I also was determined to put some of the above in action, and I came out of it stronger and better than I was before.
You just need to look inside yourself and really recognize what you want in life.