I need words…I am a ‘words person’. I appriciate gestures, but I need some confirmation in words. So, I like when he makes me food and decorates it with heart shaped vegetables (which is funny and cute), I like when he spends time stroking my whole body until I fall asleep, I like when he looks at me like I’m the only person in the world that counts…I love all that, but I also need something more.
Every time we go out and get a little tipsy I start the conversation about my feelings, which he hates. He doesn’t dislike the fact I want to talk about it, he is more upset that I always want to talk when I’m drunk, we’re in a public place, or we’re out with friends. He hates that and I can’t talk about my feelings when I am sober. The sound of my voice makes me cringe.
The last time we had a serious conversation it was Saturday night. I know I have written about it a numerous times, but this is the only thing that troubles me. I am in love with him. Not crazy in love, or ‘I will die for you’ kind of love. It’s more like: I want to spend time with you, you make me happy, I miss you when you are not around, and when you are around I think you are the most handsome man on the planet. I haven’t told him that. He knows I am in love, but he doesn’t realise what that means for me at this stage.
The thing that bothers me is that he has never said it back.He says he likes me a lot, he says he would like to move somewhere with me, if I decide to do so, he says he likes spending the time with me, I am the only person he has had such a great sex with…but he doesn’t love me. He says that for him saying that he loves me would mean that he would be tied down. He says that he has been in love before and he doesn’t feel the same for me. He says that one day he decides to move and when he thinks about it he thinks that he would be ok to move by himself…but still he wants to move with me if I decide to.
After a conversation like that I always decide not to touch on the subject again for a while and things are great then. We behave like teenagers, making out everywhere, we spend days in bed, watching movies, we make love, we go out drinking and doing crazy things, again he makes me food, he strokes my body, he looks at me that way…and then I put my guard down and begin the conversation again, which I know will lead to a broken heart.
Thing is that I feel loved. He gives me a lot of attention and affection and I love being in that state, but I do need words.
I’m thinking if I should stick around, if I should continue this relationship and take his word that he ‘will stay with me until I get fed up and bored with him’, if I should stop having those conversations with him and just see where things go….or should I break up, leave, go somewhere where I can cure my broken heart and forget about this?
These are things that bother me.