HIM and I did have some rough times. Most of them were caused by me. I don’t want to get into details. I was just mad once that he went out instead staying with me on a Friday night, once I told him (not literally, but that’s what he understood) that he’s a bad person and a bad boyfriend, and then there were a couple of time when I was just mad because I couldn’t control him and he didn’t reply to my drama queen moods like I wanted him to.
That all led to a big argument. I finally told him that what I had done was caused by my insecurities and that I wanted him to show me how much he cared. He told me that he wouldn’t stick around if he didn’t care…but also he told me that he didn’t love me and that it was never suppose to be a love relationship because we are both expats and we need to remember that one day we will go in our separate ways. He asked me what I wanted and told me to make up my mind about the relationship with him. Yeah…we’ve been through that before, right?
By the end of the conversation I started crying, he held me for a long time until I calmed down and then we just went home. We didn’t talk about it after…
That was almost a month ago. Since then something has changed. First of all, I stopped being needy and decided that my drama queen moods won’t help with anything. I am very controlling. He is like a wild animal that needs a lot of space, so I gave him that space. And since I have done that he’s been all over me.
First of all he comes over to my place. I work on my writing jobs in the evenings, so don’t really have time to entertain him, but he just lays in my bed quietly and does his things, or sleeps.
He goes out during the week, when I don’t have time to do so, and every time he comes back to my bed, just to cuddle up and wake up next to me the next day.
Last week we went to Bangkok to see a concert. We spent two great nights together and had lots of fun. We went for food at 4 am one night and I just told him that despite the things he says that he doesn’t love me I do feel loved. And that’s true. I do feel adored when I’m around him. It’s like the most wonderful thing ever. ‘Well’ he said ‘I don’t want to say I love you because I am afraid that it will tie us down and we both might want to move on one day. But I will tell you this one thing – I will stick around you until you are truly fed up with me, and bored, and you don’t want me any more…’ That’s a strange way to say ‘I love you’. Anyway, I don’t really remember how this conversation went from then on, but I do remember telling him that saying ‘I love you’ won’t mean that we are tied down. Of course, I would really like us to travel together and to move somewhere together one day, but I am also prepared to split because we might have different priorities in life. I just want to enjoy all the affection and love he gives me.
This weekend we spent together. On Friday we watched movies in his flat, on Saturday we went to a cafe to work (I am part time digital nomad now) and then we stayed at mine. I will admit here that we smoked weed whole night. I am not a big fan of drugs. I have done my fair share of them, but I do like to smoke from time to time. And if you have never smoked weed and had sex after, then you need to try it. It’s AWESOME!!It’s the most sensual and arousing experience ever. So that was my Saturday night.
At one point we listened to Britney Spears – just for fun – and he told me a story about his ex girlfriend from high school that cheated on him while he was away. He said that he sang that song to her…It was funny for me at first (especially while high), but then I looked at his face and he was hurt…He really was… He is not a person, who easily tells me about his feelings or becomes vanurable, and those moments, when he looks hurt are very rare…and in that moment he did look hurt and I just gave him a big hug.
The next hour he played romantic ballads (again, not something he does normally), stroked my hair and was looking at me in a way no other man has done since my husband (and that was ages ago, too).
Yesterday we went to a country side to a restaurant, where a Polish guy makes wonderful pierogi. WE spent a whole afternoon there, talking to the guy and drinking beer. WE got back at night. He came back with me to my apartment. He hugged me for a very long time and then kissed me with a real passion, slightly biting my lip. He then left for some beers with friends, and came back at 5 am to sleep with me.
Thing is, I know he’s immature, I know that his ‘I love you’ phobia is ridiculous. I know that he might not love me and I realise that this relationship might be doomed because of our lifestyles, but you know what? I don’t care. I haven’t felt like that for a long time. I don’t have butterflies in my stomach, I am not nervous, I eat, I sleep, I function…But I melt every time I think of him. I feel that wonderful warmth inside of me all of those things he does….the way he is with me…It just makes me feel so so great…
Oh, and now I have keys to his flat and he said I can come over any time I want. ‘Any time you are not feeling well, or want company, or just want sex…’