He went away to Cambodia for a few days last week and came back this week. During his absence I missed him very much, but I also discovered that I was fine without him, that if he decides to go I will be heart broken, but I will also cope with the loss, just like I had before.
When I picked him up from the airport, I wanted to tell him that, but it just came out wrong, and not like I wanted it to. The next day I spent at work writing down my feelings and trying to express myself as much as I could. I read the whole thing a thousand times and learned it by heart. We met up after I finish school and I really had this whole thing planned out, but of course I didn’t gather enough courage.
We went to a reagge concert and while dancing he held me tight and started saying how much he enjoyed his time with me. Nothing new here…He said that he had finally found his purpose in life..in me… And then he said he loved me. You, who have been following this blog, know how long I had been waiting for this and how much I wanted that. At that moment I was beyond happy.
He said he didn’t want to say it because he was afraid of hurting me, that he would decide to go away and that he would have to leave me behind and that would break my heart. Funny enough, one of the things I wanted to tell him was that I didn’t mind if one day our paths will split…I am fine with that thought, because no matter what I know I will be fine.
‘If it doesn’t work out’ I said back ‘it’s ok. It’s life. But if we decide to make it work and stay together for a long time then that will be awesome’.
‘Let’s go for that second option’ he replied.
We slept together and before he fell asleep he told me to ask him about his feelings the next day, because he wanted to be sober and say it in the daylight to me, so I would be sure of his feelings.
I woke up next to him a little bit before the alarm went off this morning. I was staring at the ceiling and thinking that I was really happy at that moment, but also a little freaked out. I don’t want to turn into a boring person, who is in a relationship and spends her evenings on the couch with her boo, watching films. No wrong with doing that, but please kill me if I do this every weekend. I still want to be a crazy, 30 something woman, who goes out and meets people, and does stupid things with her boyfriend. I want to travel, discover, spend time with my sister when she’s here. I don’t want to clean my fridge for months and go to bed at 2 am, sleep 4 hours and go to work the next day. I want to have space, buy junk food, get stoned by myself and binge watch stupid movies on Thai TV. I want to talk rubbish about boys and other people and laugh at that with all the energy I have in me. Because this is me, this is who I am.
For some reason knowing that he loves me makes me think that everything will change…I hope it will not…I hate changes.