A start to looking after myself and a few thoughts on love

I had a such a great week last week!

It started from Sunday, after I woke up and forced myself to go to the gym, did 5km on a treadmill, despite the bloody cigarettes I smoke, had a healthy breakfast and drove around town with my sister in search of a suitable alarm clock I could use for my classes the following week.

The weather was wonderful. It was a little bit like summer in Europe, it wasn’t very hot and the sun was hiding behind clouds every few minutes. The city was busy, but in a way you only see on Sundays, or during holidays – lots of vehicles moving in a lazy, slow pace.

That day I finally figured out how to download movies, so I have been catching up with some classics ever since.

During the week I went to the gym 5 times, and started doing 30 days yoga challenge, which includes 15 min yoga workout every day.

I could finally focus on my Thai, which is improving really, really slowly…

On Friday I met a friend for lunch and by the end of the day I was full of energy. My sister had a visitor from Malaysia and invited me to go to drinks with them. We were joined by the Frenchie. I hadn’t seen him for a long time and since we broke up every time I saw him, he was treating me like I wasn’t there. He has a girlfriend now, a really nice girl from ethnic minority. On Friday he came alone to the drinks, and as usual he was ignoring me.

We had a couple of beers, moved to a different bar, then went to a gay bar (full of half naked ladyboys and tiny, also half naked, Thai guys) and the Frenchie and I finally had a nice conversation. It was so different from talking to him when we were together. He was relaxed and friendly, and the whole thing just flowed.

After my sister decided to go home,, I stayed with the Frenchie by myself. We went to a club and had an amazing time. I told him about my ‘kissing girl incident’ and he was running around the club, looking for a tom boy for me. We met some cool people and ended up talking to some Americans until 6am.

How is it that every time I feel so wonderful some guy needs to come along and asks me out? Can’t they just fucking stay away and leave me be? One of those Americans did in fact invite me to dinner. I was massaging with him the whole next day, but then got out of the date. I just felt like I didn’t want to make an effort. The guy is cute, he’s 35 and is staying here long term – seems like a keeper, but I enjoyed myself so much last week when it was just me that I don’t want to go through dating drama again. And besides I am really hung up on Chris…still.

When Chris left I was really, really sad, but I am also a person who gets over men pretty quickly. I usually go out, meet someone new and forget about the other one. Usually it is a matter of a few days, a week at most, but this time somehow I can’t get over the fact that he is gone.

After he left a friend of mine asked me if I was in love. I didn’t know, and I still don’t. I kind of lost faith in love. How can you be sure you are in love? How does it feel like? How can you be sure that this is not a temporary thing and that it won’t be gone in a year or two? That’s why I have no idea what I feel for Chris. I think of him all the time. I go through our photos, I even dream about him. To be fair, I don’t enjoy feeling like this about someone who is so far away. I don’t even know if I would enjoy it if he was here (considering the fact that I wouldn’t know how he felt about me). That’s why I am doing 300 things, so I don’t think about him. This week is another week of exercising and healthy eating, plus I have a Couchsurfer from Poland, so I hope this will keep me busy.

One day at a time…..

Do you know that what you feel during a break up comes from the same area of your brain as the pain you experience during a toothache? In fact, your brain behaves exactly in the same way. At least that’s what I heard on one of the TED podcasts.

And I must admit, that this is what I felt just after he left – an almost physical pain, that sinking, agonizing feeling in my stomach, unwillingness to get up in the morning. I felt like this before, after my divorce, but then I had my friends around me and I was closer to my family. I also felt similar (although on much grander scale) after my best friend died. Chris is still alive and well and I am in a country I love with all my heart, but I will never be home here (as much as I would like to), so the attachment to the other human being is much greater in such circumstances and the split up is much more painful.

With every day I feel a tiny bit better.

But Saturday was horrible. My wi-fi was down, my kindle was out of battery and I didn’t want to go out because everything reminded me of him (a note to myself: do not take your new boyfriend to your favourite hang outs unless you are sure you have future together). So, I laid in my bed whole day, staring at the ceiling. I could have called someone, but I felt like I couldn’t even make an effort to make a conversation. I chained smoked a pack of cigarettes until my head started hurting and I exchanged a million photos and silly messages with Chris (definitely a highlight of my day). 

On Sunday I woke up and decided that that was it, and I made a physical and emotional effort to go to the gym. Let me tell you, running for 30 minutes after chain smoking a pack of cigarettes is NOT a great idea. Anyway, I got back home and laid down in my bed again. I was tempted to stay there for another day. That sinking feeling in my stomach setting in again. I looked at my flat that I hadn’t cleaned for 2 weeks (too busy to hang out with Chris). My dirty clothes were everywhere – on the cupboard, on my only chair, on the desk, even on my bed that I was lying in (I must have slept on them), there was a bottle of wine that I had emptied a few days before, there were empty packs of cigarettes, dirty dishes…everything mixed together on every empty space of my room. My bathroom wasn’t better…I won’t even go there cause I’m kind of ashamed. I almost laughed at how terrible the flat looked like. Then I got up and started cleaning. I took a shower, made myself breakfast (I actually MADE it – bread, eggs and all that jazz. First home made meal in ages!) and called my sister. ‘I need you’ I said ‘Can we go for coffee’. She happily agreed. Yes, ‘siblings is the richest harvest you can collect in this life’ (TED talk again).

We had a coffee and a chat – not about Chris, but about how much we love our lives in Chiang Mai, and how happy we are. We made plans for future and laughed when I commented on the cute Thai guy, working in the coffee shop. We then went for a walk around the Sunday market. 

I came back home full of hope and optimism and when Chris messaged me I went all gooey for a minute or two. That unfortunate bed looked so inviting, but I didn’t give up and found a 30 days yoga challenge, which I am going to follow. I meditated (I haven’t done that for ages) and went to bed, not even reading his last message.

I must say, this whole thing is like a second divorce to me and I struggle to function normally, but I am determined to make it through this and start feeling like myself again. I just need to remember – one day at a time, one day at a time…. 

Things I learned about men and myself

It’s been almost a year since my divorce (how time flies).

Straight after the X and I said good bye, I threw myself into arms of different men. I had one night stands, flings and I dated. Any other woman would just have fun, but I was inexperienced and really didn’t know how to cope with my emotions, didn’t have a clue about the dating world and how things work. It was a shock to me that you can actually sleep with someone and not be in a relationship with them. It took me a while to understand what ‘casual relationship’ means. I still find it hard to cope with modern idea of dating, but my recent ‘adventure’ proved that I am somewhat maturing and growing, and the previous experiences taught me a lot about men and myself.

I suddenly saw the pattern – I am clingy and have a low self-esteem, I need people around me to feel needed, it’s hard for me to be alone. If I can’t get much love from my friends, I need to get it from somewhere else, I don’t know what to do with myself if I don’t have a man in my life. I feel worthless and insecure most of the time. Finally, after reading some psycho-analysis of women like me, I figured out that all this might be coming from the fact that my dad wasn’t around when I was little and some other things, which I won’t go into now.

clingy-woman

I started to fight my insecurities a 2 months ago, before I met Chris on OKC. I spent a lot of time with myself and if I felt down and sad I was looking for a reason why I felt that way. Then I met him.

At the beginning he didn’t hide the fact that all he wanted was to drag me into bed with him. He behaved in a charming way, but there was something fake about him, and I decided that as much as his behaviour was putting me off, I really wanted him to be my friend. I loved his sense of humour and thought he would be a great addition to my small circle of friends. So, I told him something like ‘you are a very nice guy, but me and you ain’t gonna happen. Do you want to be my friend?’ and suddenly he changed from a man, who just wanted to shag me to a very nice boy, with whom I spent a lot of time with and had fun. We drove scooters to the lake, we made night trips to the look out points, where you could see the whole of Chiang Mai, we partied, watched movies together. It was great. And I began to like him…But before I completely fell for him, I decided that this time I won’t spend all my energy on waiting for his calls, and I won’t be relying on him to invite me on a date. I will just continue to do what I had been doing and put myself first.

download

So, I made plans to go out with my friends to bars, with my sister to dinners, I went to the gym, I made sure I spent time with myself. And when he asked me if I wanted to go out I said I already had plans, but we could meet the next day. And what happened? He messaged me every single day and we chatted for hours, he made sure we saw each other on a regular basis. When he finally kissed me I still wasn’t sure if I wanted to sleep with him, so I was openly honest with him about it. This made him chase me even more. He was the sweetest guy you could imagine. We ended up spending every free moment together. And before I knew it, I was in his bed…and I did it because I wanted to, not because I thought he would like me more if I do it.

Our relationship was intense, but in a good way. I enjoyed myself a lot. There was no place for any other man in my life, and no other woman in his (which he admitted many times). He did the sweetest things for me. Once, during some really heavy rain, he drove 20 minutes to town to bring me a hot dog and a beer, because that was what I craved after watching some bad American movies. He fixed my computer, he got me a breakfast in bed, he picked me up from school. I was in heaven.

A-real-man

This story has a bitter-sweet ending. He had to go back to Germany because of his visa and financial issues. The last week has been really hard for me. I didn’t even feel that sad after I left the Kid in London. I am trying to be strong, but part of me wants to roll in a ball and cry for days. I feel like someone died. He is planning to come back in February, but until that time we both might move on in our lives. I miss him like crazy….Of course, I am still insecure to tell him this and I struggle to be as laid back as possible, so he doesn’t know exactly how I feel about him. Before he left I had rehearsed in my head what I was going to say to him, but of course nothing came out of my mouth, when the time was right.

After watching the TED talk by Brene Brown, which my Lovely Friend had recommended, and then listening to some of her podcasts, I know that I’m just afraid of being vanurable, but this is something that is hard for me to skip.

Watch Brene Brown’s TED talk

Now we message each other, but there’s no mention of how we feel. It’s just silly stuff and lots of photos. Nothing else. I want him to know how I feel, but I am holding myself back with the sentimental part as I know some men get scared of too much emotions. Besides, I am trying to figure out what I actually feel for him. Is it love, or is just an attachment? How will I feel about him in a month or two?

So what are the things I learned about men?

1. Make friends first. Try to get to know them and fall for their personality as much as for their appearance. Good looks are not that important.

2. Make sure you actually want to kiss them and sleep with them only if you feel it is right to do so. Sex can always wait.

3. Have your own life. Don’t wait for them to invite you to a date, or organise your time. Your friends and family have a priority.

4. Don’t get too excited at the beginning. Sit back,relax and let them chase you. If they like you, they will do a lot to spend time with you.

5. Explore your feelings for them. Is it only physical, or is there something more?

I really do hope I will remember all those things when a next man comes along….

Chris left me with a broken heart, even though there was no actual break up. That’s why I decided to get some rest from dating and explore my own life, character and feelings. It is going to be hard (it already is) as I feel like I am addicted to affection and having a man in my life. I am taking one day at a time, and one month at a time. In October I will sit back and evaluate again what I have learned.

Weekend with the Polish guy

Well, not actually a weekend…two nights, from Thursday to Saturday.

We stayed at 5 star hotel in Bangkok (at his expense), with a swimming pool on the roof.
During the first night we hanged out at the infamous Sukhumvit. I got him to go to a club, which we thought was a strip joint, but turned out to be a brothel, with half naked girls dancing on a stage, and where a drink cost us 250 baht each (normally it costs 70 baht).
We ended up having sex at the pool in our hotel, and then in our room until 5 am.

The next day we slept a lot, went for a swim, had sex and went to venture around the city. Bangkok is so crazy. Every time I go there it surprises me with something new. This time it was a taxi driver, who was also a music teacher and taught only Elvis’s songs at school. He sang for us and then made quite a good impersonation of the king.
Then, there was the Siam night market, where you can buy anything you like, go for a meal, and to a strip club, or a brothel. Pretty dodgy place.

The more sex with the Polish guy I had the more I enjoyed it. He is a kind of a guy who likes to give. He enjoys giving pleasure and can do it for ages. I couldn’t get enough of it. There were positions I had never tried before, things he did with his fingers, with his tongue. It was CRAZY!

Besides that I found him extremely funny. He made me laugh all the time. I couldn’t stop giggling. And there is nothing better than a guy, who can make you laugh.

I came back home today. We said good by this morning. Well, we didn’t really said it. We hugged and he gave me a quick kiss.

How do I feel about the whole thing? I had fun, that’s for sure. It was worth going to the capital again. I had lots of great sex, had a laugh and really good conversations. I will miss him, but I also know that he’s gone and I might never see him again. But he gave me a lot and I am thankful for meeting him.
Deep inside, I hope I will meet him again sometime.

My expat life

It’s been almost 10 months since I left ‘home’ for the expat life in another country.
So many things happened, both good and bad.

After travelling in Bali and Australia I came to Thailand and started my TEFL course in January. The whole month was awesome. I didn’t have a man in my life, I felt great, silly, young, irresponsible and free again.

I finished the course and for 4 months I didn’t do anything. Well, I travelled a little, but mostly I partied and had a good time. The only terrible time I had was when I split up with the Frenchie. But straight after I went away to Cambodia and, thanks to new adventures, I completely forgot about the whole drama.

I came back and lived with the School Crush. I started working, he moved out and told me he didn’t want to date me.
I don’t think I went into this depressive mood because of him. I think it was more to do with the job. The fact that I was the only white person at school and didn’t have anyone to talk to. The kids were being naughty, the classes sometimes got out of hand. I am not really a teacher. A monthly course can’t teach you how to deal with misbehaving teenagers and how to actually teach them something. After a month I think I got my head around it. It is a hard work. It is harder than I expected to be, but I am beginning to enjoy it. Mostly because I finally figured out how to keep my students occupied.

I live in a studio flat. Again, I had to grow to like it. At first, I hated it. It resembles more like a hostel room than a flat. It doesn’t have a kitchen and the only good thing is the balcony. Now, I view it as my oasis. Somewhere, where I can rest after a hard day of work. And I really like it.

The best thing that happened to me in Thailand is the scooter. I love riding it. I realise how dangerous it is, but I can’t stop myself from speeding. And when I get out of town and go through the country roads…oh man! there is no better feeling. I do hope that one day I will upgrade to a bigger bike. I am so proud of myself that I can actually ride it. Back at home I couldn’t drive a car cause I was so scared. Now, I am the queen of the highway.

I love Chiang Mai. It is a perfect place for me. It is a big city with bars, restaurants, cinemas and cool places in the mountains, but at the same time it is pretty small. You can walk almost everywhere, or take a cheap local taxi wherever you go.
I miss theatre a little bit, but that’s all.

I love the fact how easy and cheap life is here. I earn 25,000 baht. The flat costs me 5,000. I get free lunches at school and spend around 30 baht for dinner and 1,000 baht a week on fruit, veg and supply of breakfast for the whole week. I also pay petrol, which is around 100 baht a week. The small money I earn is enough for a comfortable lifestyle.
There are things that are expensive, like clothes if you buy them in M&S or H&M (I don’t normally do much shopping, so that doeesn’t concern me), cosmetics (well, I spend a bit of money on that) and western food (I miss cheese so much!).

I still think of Europe a little. I wonder if I should and if I will ever go back. I wonder what to do with my retirement and my future career (if I decide to have one). I miss my parents a little and am afraid what is going to happen when they get ill.

But for now I am trying to enjoy my life as much as possible. I feel so funny when I think of how terrified I was when I was leaving. I think about myself then like about a different person.

Ok. finishing work now. Need to prepare myself for the meeting with the Polish guy. Can’t wait to see him :)

A nice weekend is coming

I am going to see the Polish guy this weekend. We weren’t planning on this, but after sorting out the logistics and making up the story at work, so I can get a day off, we will meet for 1.5 days, before he goes away.
The whole thing was his idea, not mine.

It should be so much fun!!

I am not that attracted to him and I don’t expect anything from this whole crazinness. I know he’s going back and I don’t really want to get involved with someone, who is so far away. I know myself, I won’t be faithful to him. After a few weeks I will probably meet someone else. But I have so much fun with him and enjoy his company, and the sex is pretty good, then why not meeting him again.

Can’t wait until tomorrow night!

I kissed a girl…and I liked it…a lot

I started thinking about hooking up with girls after the whole drama with the School Crush. I was only thinking about it because I thought it would be easier with woman. We think the same and maybe (just maybe) there won’t be too many broken hearts. Besides, I kind of like the Thai Toms here (the ones with short hair, wearing trousers and looking like young boys).
I almost had a date with a tom from OKCupid ones, but I chickened out at the last minute.

Yesterday we went out with some other teachers I met through a friend. One of them was a girl around my age. She was really tiny, had blond hair and glasses, and she was one of the cutest girls I have ever seen. During our conversation it turned out she was bi, so I thought I would take the chance and started flirting with her. Few more drinks later we went to a club. My best friend M and I danced with the girl and suddenly all 3 of us started making out. It was bizarre. I was thinking of going home with her… I have never in my life thought that would be possible. Unfortunately, she had to go home. She left me wanting more…

I am freaking out a little.

Isn’t it strange that at the age of 33 I am discovering my sexuality? It doesn’t feel wrong, but I am just confused.
I have no idea how to have sex with a girl and if I’m going to like it. It will be so awkward…

On the other hand, I want to try. But how do I go around meeting other girls and letting them know that I am interested in more than a friendship? I am good at doing that with guys, but girls?…What do I do?

Conversation with my soulmate

The Polish guy left me feeling happy. I miss him a lot, but for some reason I can’t stop smiling. Yesterday I told him how I felt…

Me: How is Koh Tao?
PG: It’s nice. I met a few nice guys, but the girls here are very young. Way too young for me.
Me: Well, I’m actually glad that they are.
PG: Why?
Me: I’m not good at expressing my feelings, but I will try. I realise that we don’t have any future together. I know that you were here on holiday and we might never meet again. But to me you weren’t only another adventure. You were someone special and a part of me can’t stop imagining another end to this story.
PG: I told you not to fall for me.
Me: Well, I didn’t fall in love with you, but I like you a lot and I realise what I’ve missed.
PG: You know that I don’t believe in love. I really need to spend a lot of time with a girl to trust her. There’s a distance between us and, like you said, we probably never meet again. Try to detach yourself…

And that’s that. I am suffering a little. I still imagine him coming back here. But thanks to him I feel like a new born woman. I look in the mirror and think that I am hot. I walk with a new confidence. I smile more and I look into the future with a new optimism. I just hope this feeling lasts. And I hope I will meet another soulmate again, who will stay with me forever.

…and he’s gone

When I meet men that I like I stop being myself. I get excited and nervous and feel like my whole body is uptight. I stop acting naturally, I stop eating, I stop sleeping, I get clingy. I am sure because of that all the men I liked ran away.

With the Polish guy it was a little different. When I first saw him I thought he looked like a typical Polish bloke (=not very attractive). During the first few seconds I decided to have one drink and go home. After first 15 min of conversation I thought he could be my friend. After 30 min I started wondering if I could sleep with him. After an hour I wanted to snog him and drag him to bed with me (yesterday he admitted that he had known that I liked him on our first date because I was staring at his lips quite often).

Normally, if I am not attracted to someone physically, I can only be friends with that person, I can’t make myself to kiss them. I do need to have sexual tension straight away. So, I was pretty surprised when I found myself sitting in a pub with a guy that I didn’t like physically, fantasising about having sex with him. We clicked straight away. It was a wonderful thing since I really hadn’t met a guy like that for a while now.

On top of that I felt very comfortable with him. I felt like I had known him for ages and could talk to him about everything. I didn’t have to pretend that I am someone I am not. I just had a great time.

We wrote to each other whole day yesterday and ended up spending another evening together. Then there was sex…sober, this time, and surprisingly the noises I thought he had made the night before weren’t that bad. I think I had been really drunk.

Sex was great. I can’t really remember when someone paid so much attention to my body. He touched me and looked at me like it was the first time for him. He admired my body and paid me compliments all the time. He said that to him giving pleasure is more important than receiving it and I really didn’t have to do much there. He made me cum so many times that at the end of the night I was totally exhausted.

He left in the morning today for the south, where he is doing a diving course. ‘If I had known that you are such a great person’ he said ‘and that I would meet you, I would have planned to stay in Chiang Mai for longer’. We said good bye…Yesterday I was thinking about him leaving and I was sure that it won’t bother me too much. But the more time passes, the more I realise that I might not see him again and it makes me really sad. He was actually pretty special. We didn’t cheat each other and made no promises. I am of course analyzing, as I always do, and hoping a little that something will change and we end up in some semi long-distance relationship, which is not really possible (besides, do I actually want that? hmmm….nah!).

The good thing which came out of the whole experience was the fact that knowing him made me realise what I want from my men, and that the looks are not everything, that if you give someone a chance their personality might be sexier than you think.
I need to stop being so shallow.

A follow up date and weird sex sounds

I met the Polish guy yesterday again. As it turned out I am not THAT attracted to him physically, but I LOVE his personality. We have the same sense of humour. He makes me laugh so much that I have tears in my eyes. We can talk for hours about everything and nothing.

Yesterday we went to watch a Muai Tai fight and after we went to a local bar, where we sat talking until 1. After we went to his place and tried to swim in the hostel’s swimming pool. Unfortunately, there was a very small and very pissed off security guard, who carried a laptop with him. Every time we wanted to have a dip, or laughed loudly, the guy pushed the buttons on his laptop and a very ‘machine like’ sounding woman was telling us in English not to use the pool, and be quiet.

Finally, after a few attempts, we went to his bungalow and yes, we had sex…which was pretty good, but the guy makes sounds like a woman out of a porn movie. I was a little drunk, so didn’t pay attention to it, but this morning was thinking about it and thought it was the weirdest thing ever.

I stayed overnight and woke up at 6:30, which is a little too late. I had to go home, take a shower, dress and went to work, still a little drunk. Do you know how difficult it is to teach 30 Thai students while pissed?

I am meeting him tonight again and will probably spend a night at his place. I really do enjoy his company, but that bloody moaning…I just need to block it out somehow.

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