Should I tell HIM the truth part 2 – the heartache

I believe that everything happens for a reason and everything leads you somewhere new and better. This kind of thinking helps me with coping with my recent heartache.

HE hasn’t been messaging me lately, except a few quick exchanges during the weekend. I am used to receiving random links and photos from HIM and the last couple of days have been really quiet. HE hasn’t even been online for a whole, long day (I know that from FB, don’t judge). It makes me sad and a little paranoid. I am OK (well, kind of…) with HIM sleeping with other people, especially that I am not that innocent, but I am worried that HE found someone he likes better than me. I know, I know, we are world apart and there was no agreement on being exclusive, but this silence is really worrying me….

I want to send him a quick message saying how much I miss HIM, but I don’t want to be a needy girl, who freaks out whenever HE is silent for a day or two – or shall I say I don’t want HIM to know that I am that needy girl.

Seriously, I can’t stand the fact that I don’t have that long distance relationship privilege to know about everything that goes in HIS life. I still want HIM to care about me….

And in case you are wondering – no, I still haven’t told HIM how I feel about HIM. I am scared to do so and I have no idea how I should put this across to HIM in a less direct way than just saying ‘I think I might be in love with you and I don’t know how to cope with it…’

So, I tell myself every single day that this is not all that bad, that the fact that I experienced so much attention and good things from HIM taught me what I need in a man and prepared me for something even better. I remind myself about it after every single day when I don’t hear from HIM…

Dating – too much effort

Do you also see dating as an effort? I do. You really have to put so much energy into it. You have to dress nicely (which in my case means shorts and a better quality top than those cheap ones I wear every day). You have to shave your legs (that bit is the worst). You have to spend your evening with someone you don’t really know and pretend that you are interested in whatever they have to say. You have to make a good impression, and then you still don’t know if this is a good investment of your energy.

In the last couple of days I turned down 3 dates. 2 from OKC and one from a guy, whom I met through a friend. He is French and he is just passing through Chiang Mai. We made out at a party and I was considering going out with him. Today he messaged me if I wanted to go out for a dinner, and I am pretending that I haven’t seen the message, so I can reply back at midnight with something like ‘Oh, sorry I just saw your message. Maybe another time…’ Normally, I would be excited about going out with a guy, who looks like a Greek god, but this time I just prefer to spend the evening with my sister drinking beer and playing jenga. Plus, the guy wants to go for dinner and eating any meal with a man I barely know is my worst nightmare.

Maybe I could be convinced to go out with a guy I know a little more than only from an OKC profile, or from a make out session at a random Thai bar.

On top of all that, I lost all motivation to flirt, and I am not attracted to any men (the French guy was drunken fun, nothing more).

Before, I went out to a bar or a club I  could spot which guy liked me, and I was into some flirting straight away. I was excited when I went on a date and it was a good one. I loved feeling butterflies in my stomach and I searched for it on purpose. For the last couple of weeks, I just don’t feel like I want this any more.

I miss having someone next to me, in my bed. I miss kissing and cuddling. I feel like I have a lot of love to give, but I just don’t want to invest it in someone, who is passing through, or is just not worth it. I also feel lazy. And, it seems like I really like HIM and it is hard for me to get over that.

I think there won’t be many updates on dating any time soon.

You were born…when?

My bestie M and her boyfriend are trying to hook me up with their friend. They call him Fresh Meat, which I thought was funny and that they call him that because he is new in town and I’ve just met him. So, Fresh Meat is cute, funny and really nice, sort of a decent guy. I don’t really have an intention on hooking up with him, even though M and her boyfriend are almost literally pushing us to do so. But, this is another subject.

Yesterday we were sitting in a bar, having a nice chat when someone said something about some political issues that happened in 1989.

‘I wouldn’t know that cause I wasn’t even born then’ said Fresh Meat.

‘When were you born?’ I asked.

‘1991…’

At that moment I almost fell off my chair. 1991??? I was 10 years old then!! I knew he was young, but didn’t realise he was THAT young! For some reason, that made him even more attractive. I have a thing for young boys, what can I say…

I love this city …and other news

I was walking to the nearby shopping centre this morning and it struck me yet again, how wonderful this city is. It was pretty early in the morning, and Chiang Mai was waking up slowly (everything in Thailand happens in a slow motion). It was beginning to get warmer (the rainy season is finished, now the nights are cold and the days are cooler than normal, which gives you an impression that you are somewhere in Europe during the summer), the sun was still weak and the nearby mountains were covered in mist. Shop owners were sweeping floors outside of their businesses, coffee and cha yen (a Thai version of iced tea) were sold to the people going to work on their scooters. And everything seemed so…right…

In some ways the Thai streets remind me of those in Poland. There is architectural chaos, with out of place billboards and wires hanging from the electric poles, there is dirt and dust, and on top of that a chaotic traffic. But despite of all that, I love looking at Thai streets. I really do. Polish ones always disgusted me with their lack of architectural planning and mess, but these here…well, these here are perfect.

I love the wandering monks, the tuk tuks, the street stalls, where you can buy an octopus on a stick, the markets, where I do my weekly shopping and where the overwhelming stench of raw meat hits you as soon as you walk into it. I love the bars, the cheap prices, the ever smiling locals.

This is the first time in my life when I feel such a love for a place and its people, the first time when I decided not to go anywhere on my holiday and spend the whole 7 days of my freedom in a town where I live. Sometimes, I look into the job adverts for teaching positions and think ‘Oh, teaching in Mongolia or Kazahstan would be so cool’, but then I really do not want to move from Chiang Mai. I feel that (at least for now) I have found my place on earth.

And I know that I am not at home. I realise that people I have met and I will meet will leave one day. I know that being so far from home sometimes makes me feel either guilty, or lonely, but I think during those moments, deep inside of me, I know that I will stay here for awhile.

AND FROM OTHER NEWS:

1. I bought a new scooter, shiny, black and almost brand new. I am so excited that I don’t think I will ever walk anywhere again.

2. My sister had a job offer from the organisation she volunteers at. So, she is going back to Poland in a few days for a month, and then coming back to Chiang Mai to stay for another 6 months. I couldn’t be more happy.

3. I haven’t told HIM about my feelings. The last week we have spent on chatting a little, but not enough and the time difference doesn’t help us to meet online.

4. I haven’t been on a date since the sexy date with the English boy. I have 2 or 3 lined up and it’s just a matter of saying ‘oh, let’s meet up’, but I usually prefer to hang out with M or My Sister, or watching Breaking Bad in my room. Sorry, horny young boys in Chiang Mai! Divorce and Single feels to lazy to talk to you.

Should I tell HIM the truth?

When HE left, my dear Gay Friend advised me to take some time off and really explore my feelings for HIM. So, I did.

I usually get over a guy pretty quickly. They leave, or we break up, I don’t see them for a while, do my own things, or meet someone else and think of the previous man with a sentiment.

It’s been a month since he left. I stayed away from dating, learning Thai, going out, exercising, feeling physically better. Mentally I had my better and worse moments. Then, I went on three dates and had sex with the English Boy. And after all this…I miss HIM even more…

I think of HIM all the time, I want HIM to be by my side in bed and cuddle me like he used to, I want to go out with him on a Friday night, I want to hang out with HIM and my friends on Saturdays. I want HIM back….so badly….

The sex with the English Boy made me miss HIM even more.

We chat every day, but there’s no mention of skype calls or anything. When I say I miss HIM, he doesn’t say it back.

But HE continues messaging me, chatting to me and mentioning how badly he wants to come back.

We never talk about us being together. Today HE messaged me. HE was coming back from a party and was a little drunk. HE said that he can’t find girls that like HIM. I pretended to be cool about this statement and made fun of HIM.

But, I am not cool with it, not one bit. I am not innocent, because I am also looking for dates, because I realise I can’t wait for HIM like Penelope, not knowing if and when HE is coming back. But the feelings I have for HIM are killing me…I feel frustrated that HE doesn’t know how I feel.

HE is really hard to talk to about feelings. HE always turns everything into a joke. Telling HIM everything would be a struggle and can leave me confused even more.

It might also result in HIM withdrawing and not contacting me any more, and his daily messages are highlights of my day.

Should I tell HIM how I feel, or should I just leave it…..?

About Teutonic willies

‘Just imagine…he comes back…you’re all excited..and he slaps out an egg shaped Teutonic willy’

‘So what did you do?’

‘Well…I was like…I’ll roll with it’

M always has the best sex stories. She usually tells me about her adventures very slowly, with an ‘I don’t really care about anything in the world’ manner, crossing her legs and smoking a cigarette.

This one was about a guy, who she was dating back in the States. It was the first time they had sex and his penis was weirdly shaped. And we got to this point because I was telling her about the English boy I went on a date with and I was seeing him the next day. I told her I didn’t feel any connection with him, but he was good looking and had a nice body, so all I really wanted from him was a little action. She asked me then if it would be a deal breaker if he had a weird penis. So, from one word to another, she ended up telling me the story about very small, egg shaped penis of her ex boyfriend.

That was the main subject of our conversation that evening.

The next day I had a date with the English boy. Let’s just say that I am blaming M for everything and I am convince that all her ‘weird shaped willy’ story and questions brought it on to me. I hope I am not doomed now.

Except the strangeness of his equipment, he is a very nice guy…but ugh I just want him to be someone else….

A few photos from my travels

Here is a secret, I have two blogs. This one is a personal one, where I moan about my heartbreaks. I treat it as my journal, to which I come back every now and then. I have made some virtual friends here and really enjoy going to some of my favourite blogs.

The other one is a travel blog, but I have decided not to link it to this one because of the privacy reasons. So, you actually don’t know much about where I have been and what I have seen. Today I have decided to treat you to some of my photos. Enjoy!

A decent Englishman

I had a date yesterday. I agreed to meet an English guy, who is here only temporarily, until the 16th. I especially chose him because I don’t actually know if I want something long term. He seemed really nice, so I decided to give him a chance.

There’s nothing to report on this one really.

He seems like a decent guy, normal, a bit shy. I felt like we had a lot to talk about, but during the whole conversation I felt a really heavy energy. But, that might have been up to the fact that I was a little tired.

I am not crazy about this one. He is good looking and the only thing I would want to do would be to rip that t-shirt off his perfect body and see how he looks naked. I might do that if he asks me out again. If not, then I won’t cry because of it.

I have two other dates lined up, but I feel a little tired, so I might postpone them. I got used to not going out during the week, and don’t really want to change my routing this week. I might just go for a massage and pedicure instead of meeting a stranger for a drink.

Feeling old in Thailand

Age is very important to Thais. If you speak to the local here, first of the questions they will ask you is ‘how old are you?’ This is usually to establish how they can relate to you. If you are older they will wai you in a different way than their friends. (you can read about wai here) So, they will lift their hands a little higher and bow their heads a little lower.

I was in a club last night and was chatted up by a cute, younger looking Thai boy (but, let’s face it, they all look like they are 16). He asked me for my name and then about my age. ’33’ I said. He then smiled and waied me, lifting his hands to the forehead and bowing almost to the ground.

He was 22.

Social October begins…

The last month has been all about spending time with myself. When HE left at the beginning of September I told him I wanted to become a hermit for a while. At the beginning it was hard because due to my broken heart I needed company. Then, it got easier. I was a little tired after all the dating, sex and late nights I had with HIM. So, I finally caught up with my sleep, exercised a little, watched A LOT of movies, read books, put face masks, hair conditioners and body lotions on my body. I made food for myself that was healthy and nutritious (and I saved money – bonus!). I even stopped smoking during the week. Only on Fridays did I went out with my friends.

I spent so much time alone that I am beginning to get boooored!

So, this month I decided to socialize a little more. I am a weird person. I have two people inside of me. One loves to be around others. When I go out I am in my element. A lot of times I sit in a coffee shop and am chatted up by random people. A friend of mine told me that strangers want to get to know me and talk to me, and I don’t even notice that.

My other half is an introvert. That person doesn’t like people. In fact, people annoy the shit out of her.

Sometimes, at parties, she stands in a corner and just smiles awkwardly. She gets very self-concious when she is somewhere, where she knows only one or two people, and she clings to them constantly. She would love to make some friends, but hates the small talk and will only get along with someone, who is more chatty than her.

She goes to the gym and sees a lot of good looking guys, but she pretends that she doesn’t see them, because she has no idea how to make new friends at a gym.

And so on, so on…

Because of my introvert side, making new friends and meeting people is better online. So, I have decided to go back to the good, old Ok Cupid. My strategy is: like a lot of other people’s profiles (that includes girls, too), send every single one of them a message and see what happens. I am already chatting to some guys. One of them is 44 (!!!). I am not doing it because I want a hook up (although, sex would be nice), but I really do want to meet other people.

My next step is to sign up for a photography workshop that takes place next week. I already have goose bumps thinking of spending Saturday and Sunday with strangers…but I think it will be good for me. I might finally dust off my camera and make a use of it.

I will also go to every single social thing people invite me to (and yes, that includes a punk concert this Saturday) and then send nice messages to everyone I know in Chiang Mai and go for a  dinner/lunch/coffee/beer with them.

Meanwhile, I will maintain the healthy balance between my social and my private life and remember that I need to have some alone time, otherwise I will burn out quickly.

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