Eliminating guilt and feeling meh about last night

I met BF for dinner last night. I always find so good to talk to him about things. He is very understanding and usually has great solutions to problems.

I told him how I felt about not being close to my family, and that I felt guilty to be so far away from Mum.

‘Fuck guilt’ he said ‘the most important thing is what you want from your life’

‘It’s true, but isn’t it selfish? Shouldn’t I be closer to them and look after them?’ I almost cried.

‘Selfish is good in a way. You don’t have to be a bad person. Just be kind to them, talk to them, love them, but keep in mind that this is your life and you’re living it, not them. And get rid of that ‘should’. If you eliminate that ‘should’ from your sentence, what is left? Do you feel like you want to be with them and look after them, or do you feel like doing something else’.

I thought about it….I actually feel like I want to forget about the guilt, the responsibilities and live my life to the fullest.

From now on I will stop feeling guilty.

I went on that date last night. Oh god, it was heavy. I felt tired and not really motivated to keep up the conversation. He was nice enough, pretty good looking, French…but I was just not in the mood. I sometimes feel like it’s really hard for me to relate to people and keep up conversations. Normally, I am pretty easy going, but if I go out with someone, I need him to be the one who comes up with subject for discussion. I want him to be talkative and ask me questions and I don’t want to feel like it’s my thing to do.

Heaven knows I’m miserable now

I have been feeling really down recently. Today is a bit better, but yesterday was a tough one.

I seriously don’t know what is going on. It might be the weather. The mornings are freezing (yes, Thailand can be cold) and then afternoons are really warm, or it might be the nicotine (my smoking habit got worse, I think), or it might be the conversation I had had with my mum a day before yesterday.

Family affair

My mum has always made me feel guilty about the fact that I left straight after university. She says that she would never made me stay in Poland and that she always wanted me to live wherever I wanted, but from time to time she says things that make me feel bad that I left.

My sister went home for a month. She’s still there and is coming back next week. The first two weeks she spent at home were a bliss, but after that my mum threw a tantrum. It was about nothing really and I won’t get into any details. It was so bad, that my sister packed her things and went to visit her friends in another city.

So, I spoke to my mum a few days ago. She was complaining about Sis with that whining, terrible voice that reminds me of someone dying. She almost cried. I would have been compassionate and understanding if I hadn’t known what had happened between them and that it was totally Mum’s fault.

Then, she began to ask me when I was coming to visit. Despite all her faults I still miss her and I miss my family, but going back home to visit for a week or two will cost me a fortune and I don’t want to spend so much money. I tried to explain it to her, but she doesn’t seem to understand.

Then she called my grandma and I spoke to her on Skype. She is 91 now. She’s still healthy and lively, but I noticed how old she got, how her face changed since I last saw her and I couldn’t help, but think about her passing away and what would I do if she does and I’m still here.

Because Sis will be here for Christmas, my parents will be alone and that adds to my guilt.

I feel terrible that I’m so far away from them….

Going back to England? Yes or No

M and BF are moving to England in February/March. They have been talking about it a lot. BF and I exchange opinions on cities and the quality of living there, and it also made me miss the good, old UK a little. I miss the pubs and the cheese, I miss my beautiful friends. I even miss the weather sometimes. However, I know that going back will equal stress (looking for a job, looking for a flat, spending lots of money) and that I will hate the life there after just a few months.

The future is not that bright

I have no idea what to do next year. My contract with the school expires in March. I love my life here, even though I miss my family and Europe a little. For now, my sister is here and my friends are staying until April, but what then? I can’t imagine staying here without people I could hang out with during the weekends…What do I do with my future?

Fresh Meat needs to wise up

Fresh Meat added a little to my worries. I was beginning to get annoyed with him and with his lack of communication, but he finally messaged me last night. I think he plays that game of waiting 2 days in-between messaging each other, which is fine. I know he’s young and this is all new to him. I just hope he wises up a little soon.

I have a date tonight

I went on OKC again yesterday and got a few messages straight away. I kind of have a date tonight, which I am forcing myself into. I think this guy sounds nice. He asked me out last night. I read the message and thought I would think about it. When I woke up this morning I thought ‘Nah, I can’t do this…I’m too tired..’ but then thought that I need to get myself out there. I don’t think I could have a romantic relationship with this guy, but maybe I will gain a new friend. I need to be more open to meeting new people.

Going on OKC reminded me I need to delete the app from my phone…just in case FM wants to snoop around again.

Things that happened last weekend and the reasons why I am confused

THINGS THAT HAPPENED DURING THE WEEKEND

1. Period sex was a no-no

Fresh Meat came over on Friday. We were supposed to watch movies. We grabbed dinner and laid on my bed after we had chosen a couple of films. He said he was really tired but drove all the way to the city (he lives in the countryside, 30 min drive) to see me because he had missed me. I thought it was sweet.

So, he put his hand around me, kissed my forehead and looked at the screen of the laptop, slightly caressing my shoulder. And all I could think of during that time was SEX. I had thought about it whole week. I wanted it badly. Unfortunately, I got my period on that very day. I don’t care about having sex on my period in general. It is absolutely fine with me and I have done it multiple times before, but I knew he was inexperienced. Besides, I think it is fair to check with the guy first if he’s fine with period sex.

On top of that all, I feel really nervous when expressing to him how much sex I need. It feels like he doesn’t need as much and it makes me feel a little bad for some reason. It was always up to the man I dated to want sex and this time it seems like the roles changed.

Finally, I gathered my courage:

‘So, I thought we should have sex tonight’ I said

‘Sure’ he answered.

‘But there’s one, tiny thing…I got my period today and…I am fine with having sex during my period, but I am not sure how you feel about it’

He looked at me.

‘In that case I prefer not to’ he said.

‘Are you grossed out?’ I asked, feeling really disappointed.

‘No, not grossed out..Just prefer not to’

You can imagine my frustration. I had thought about him fucking me hard whole week….I wanted to stomp my feet and hit him in the head. I know that period freaks men out sometimes, and realise that he probably doesn’t know much about it, but why doesn’t he just ask me how it is. His answer disappointed me.

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2. I decided I needed to be more careful with my phone apps

‘What’s your mobile password?’

Fresh Meat was sitting on the balcony, with my phone in his hand.

I told him the password before even thinking.

‘I’m sorry, why are you using my phone?’ I asked.

‘Oh sorry, didn’t even ask. I don’t have any credit and need to message M about something. Sorry, I should have asked’

I shrugged my shoulders and said it was fine. I went to the toilet and came back. He was still on the balcony with my phone in his hand. I sat down next to him and looked over his shoulder. He was looking at something that looked familiar, but for a few seconds I couldn’t say what it was.

‘I may be crossing some boundaries here’ he said ‘but I am just looking at your OKCupid profile’

At that moment alarm bells started ringing. I asked him why he was doing it. He said he had never seen online dating before and that he wanted to see it. I asked him if he was worried I used the app. He said he wasn’t.

As it turned out a bit later, he also went through my OKC messages.

Instead of being furious he was snooping around my phone, I laughed it off and told him I hadn’t gone online for a while and that I don’t actually use OKC any more.

Instead of being mad (and I had the right to be upset) I shrugged my shoulders and was ok with him invading my private space.

Then, I thought about it and decided that it wasn’t right, but how do I tell him that I am mad now and wasn’t before without looking like an emotionally unstable person?

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3. Scavenger hunt

My friend organised a scavenger hunt on Saturday. Over 70 people participated.

I was looking forward to playing, mostly because I was teamed up with Fresh Meat. Spending a whole day with him, driving around Chiang Mai on a scooter sounded really appealing.

But, on the day neither me or him were feeling it, so we went around, did around 10 of the tasks and spent the rest of the day eating and drinking. It would have been nice, but I started to think that we might not have a connection. I am paranoid recently about that ‘connection’ thing. I want it with a guy so badly. I want that back, I want the same what I had with HIM and I don’t seem to find it anywhere. I might want it too badly and think about it too much, putting an invisible pressure on FM and myself.

The day finished at one of the bars, where we had a couple of drinks and the winners collected their prizes.

After that the plan was that Fresh Meat was going to my place and we were going to drive to his place the next morning.

He didn’t feel so well the whole day, so I told him it was fine for him to go home.

‘Yeah, I’ll do that’ he said ‘I’m really sorry, but I just feel sick. What are you doing tomorrow?’ he asked.

‘Nothing…’ I answered and looked at him ‘You?’

‘Well, I need to finish off the lesson plans and mid term exams’ he said.

Wait a minute! Weren’t we supposed to spend a day together at his place?

But I stayed silent.

He wanted to be alone, I get it now. I realise he needs space…but I just don’t like when a guy comes up with bad excuses. HE always told me when he needed time for himself and that suited me fine. Lesson plans and mid terms my ass!

I know that I might be overanalyzing things at the moment, but it just felt like he was trying to escape me and avoid my company.

To be fair, he did come over on Friday even though he was really tired, and he spent a whole day with me on Saturday. Maybe I just want Fresh Meat to be HIM too much. I know HE would not have any excuses, he loved my company too much.

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4. I found out that the spanking was  ON

While he was kissing me good bye, he caressed my breast a little and that got me really, really excited.

‘You know that kinky stuff we talked about the other day?’ I asked.

‘Yeah…’

‘Well, I would really like that’

He looked at me seriously, kissed me and said ‘Shit, Divorce and Single, you are killing me here’ I laughed ‘I will bring my whip next time’ he shouted while driving away.

That sounds promising.

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WHY I AM CONFUSED

1. The lack of communication

I still don’t know what I want from this. I think it wouldn’t bother me that much if he was more open. Because in a way I see that he wants to have the emotional connection and that he’s a sweet, sensitive man. When we’re together he is really trying to give me what I need in terms of affection, and I like that and appreciate it, but I need more texts, more messages, I need to know that he thinks of me when we don’t see each other.

I know some men are not very good at communicating, but this is what I need and want when I date someone. Is it silly? AM I SILLY?

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2. I don’t want to be a weekend girlfriend

I want to see him more than just during the weekend. I want him to want to see me, too. I know he is stressed with work and he doesn’t feel like doing much after school, but I do want to see him at least once during the week. I want him to crave my company and think of seeing me as a cure for his stress….

At the moment he dictates when we meet. It is mostly because of his school. His job sucks and he’s stressed and when that happens he doesn’t want to go out or see people. But, I do want to be able to see him and say ‘hey, let’s meet today and watch a movie’ without knowing that he will probably reject the offer.

I am asking for too much, right?

3. I feel horny all the time and he doesn’t

I have always related to men through sex. I know what they want and I want that, too. I like to feel desired. FM doesn’t seem to want sex as much as I do. It worries me and confuses me. I don’t know how to get through to him without seducing him. It is all very new to me and scares me a little.

4. Do I actually want a relationship?

On the other hand – I don’t know if I want to commit myself to him just yet. I am not seeing anyone else and might not be, but I don’t know if this relationship would last long. He is much younger than me. How would I admit that to my family and friends? They would think I’ve gone mad.

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And also, I am pretty sure that as soon as HE’s back, I would ditch Fresh Meat the minute HE gets off the plane.

So, what do I actually want here? Can you see why I’m confused?

Love and hate relationship with my PMS

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It’s that time of the month again – pre-menstrual time, the one that I hate so much.

I know when my period is coming because I get anxious, sad and depressed. A few days before I start hating people. Oh no, wait! I don’t hate them, I just get melodramatic about everything and my friends usually suffer. So, if they don’t text me or call me, I don’t text them or call them either, even though I really like to make that connection and I do want company and someone to listen to me whining about life, but no, I stay quiet for days, thinking that they probably don’t care about me and I’m just unnecessary addition to my life. When they make contact, or when I hang out with them, I turn into that sad, sarcastic and horrible person I really don’t want to be.

I wake up in the morning, feeling like a failure and so tired that I could sleep for another 24 hours. I get to work and I want to kill everyone, who dares to chat to me.

I experience ups and downs every 10 minutes or so. One minute I am angry, the next I am happy and motivated to sort out the things I have been putting off for a while.

I question my life choices, I miss my X husband, I feel lonely and ugly. I feel like I will never find love again…

And I can’t wait for the period to arrive.

As much as it is always painful and I need to take a lot of painkillers so the stomach cramps subsidise, I welcome my monthly flow, because it means that I will be happier.

I go through this every month. It is tiring, but it also means that I am a woman and I love everything about that. It is a little part of me, and of who I am. I just wish the feeling of loneliness wasn’t there.

Do I have a kinkster on my hands?

We messaged a little with Fresh Meat yesterday. The conversation went from the usual shenanigans at school to punishing someone for misbehaving.

‘You need a dominatrix in your life huh?’ he asked me.

‘Maaaybe…sometimes…’ I replied

‘Me and leather go way back’ he said.

I was trying to figure out if he was joking, so I asked questions and he avoided answers, teasing me a little.

‘If you have to ask, you’ll never know. If you know you need only ask’ he said.

‘Ok, Ok I won’t push you any more’ I decide to leave it.

‘I’m the boss’

‘Yes, you are’ I admitted with resignation, thinking that I might never find out what the deal is.

‘Yes, you are….sir’ he said ‘best get that right in the future girl’ (can someone explain to me what the last sentence actually means?).

‘Yes, you are, sir’ I repeated. That got me so aroused. I love when someone dominates me.

This conversation got me thinking.

I know that he is inexperienced, and I know he hasn’t had many girls before me. I also happen to know that he previous sexual encounters with women were ‘weird’ (BF’s words, not mine) and I am wondering now, what that ‘weird’ was suppose to mean.

He is also pretty shy about sex and I would never expect him to be kinky.  But then again, there were a few instances where I thought that he likes to dominate. And maybe he is into that kind of stuff and is afraid to tell me, so he is just testing the waters.

I am not a typical kinkster. When I was married I thought that this kind of sex is dirty and creepy. My husband and I had boring sex (I can see it now). Only when I met my Lovely Friend and she told me a few things about ropes and spanking, I saw that these things are not really abnormal. Some people just like that, and as long no one gets hurt, it is all good.

The Frenchie, that I dated a while back, liked to spank me hard until my butt hurt so much I couldn’t sit. And boy! I liked that. I really did, but after a while I just needed variety, some normal love making, without him tying me up and giving me commands.

My conversation with Fresh Meat aroused my imagination. I can’t think of anything else now, besides him telling me to call him ‘sir’ and how it would be like if we could play not only in the bedroom, but outside of if, too. But, if he was just teasing me and joking, I am sure I can make him to play with me one day.

My mission now is to find out what he likes and see if I’d like it, too.

A conversation with Fresh Meat

Fresh Meat is the second such a young guy I have dated so far, and I’m telling you, 20-somethings might not be a long-term relationship prospects, but they are more mature and less of game players than the older boys.

I’ve always found older guys boring. I also learned that most of the time they play games with you and it exhausts me to the point, when I just want to quit dating all together.

Fresh Meat is 23, 10 years younger than me, but that doesn’t effect anything. At least it hasn’t so far.

We met yesterday for dinner. After, we drove up the mountain, to a view point, where we sat admiring the view on the city.

I knew I had to talk to him. I rehearsed it a thousands times in my head and I was rehearsing it again. Finally, I said it. I told him that I didn’t know what I wanted from that relationship, that I was confused, but I liked him and wanted to keep seeing him. I told him that I felt like I was doing all the work and he was pulling back every time I wanted to touch him, or kiss him in public.

I expected a short, vague, incoherent answer. I was even prepared for being pissed off, making a scene and going home,  but instead I got something so mature that it left me a little shocked.

‘You are right’ he said ‘I haven’t been trying enough, and it is not fair that you’re doing all the work. I am just scared that I will screw things up and that I will spoil everything.’

I just didn’t understand the last bit, and still really don’t. I think the only way to screw things up is to either cheat on the other person, or not be honest with each other. And how come someone, who is so lovely and kind, could intentionally hurt me, or do something that will destroy everything between us?

He couldn’t explain it to me exactly what he meant. It just seems like he over thinks things and can’t really enjoy the moment and doesn’t want to give up to what we have. And I thought I was bad…

‘You need to understand that I have never been in a relationship’ he said ‘or with a girl that I feel so connected with and I am a bit overwhelmed by it all. I will try to change it.’

I then told him how much I miss physical contact and how much I need attention and affection, and that if he doesn’t give it to me I will pull back and it will be over very quickly.

He put his arms around me and hugged me. ‘I am so sorry’ he said ‘I just never had anyone in my life who I could hug and kiss in public, and I just don’t know how to do it without feeling uncomfortable. I am really learning here. I’m sorry…’

It felt like a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders and suddenly the atmosphere between us started to relax.

We went to my place and we finally had sex. It was a surprise to me how good it was. It was obvious how inexperienced he was, but he made up for it with his enthusiasm and passion. I melted…

When he was leaving he sat next to me and kissed me long and hard. ‘Be patient with me, please…’ he asked.

I think I can try to do that…..

It’s so hard to say ‘I love you’

We didn’t go camping. Fresh Meat hit a pedestrian and the day turned into shit…long story…

Anyway, M, her BF and I went out last night. After drinking a couple BF started to question me about Fresh Meat. So I told him exactly what I had written here before: that I feel like he does not care enough, that I like him but I will not chase after him, that I want to get to know him better, but I feel like he built a wall around him and I can’t get through that.

‘Maybe he feels the same?’ BF said ‘Maybe he’s afraid that you will treat him like a toy? Besides, why don’t you talk to him and tell him what you just told me?’

Good question: why don’t I? Because I have always be a coward and talking about my feelings has always been hard for me. When I open myself up to other people I feel naked and stupid. I am afraid of rejection and of being laughed at. I have no idea where it came from. My parents were always pretty affectionate, so where does my fear come from?

The conversation then turned to my sister. ‘Do you know?’ I said ‘I have never said to her I loved her…never.’

‘What?!’ BF was a little shocked ‘How come? That’s just terrible. Take your phone and text her’

I tried to say no. My sister knows I love her, but when BF gets something into his head then there’s no way you can say no.

So I did text her.

How do I feel about it? I felt pretty good yesterday, but today when I think about it, I just cringe….I think I have some serious issues.

We communicated

Last week HE replied. He just sent me a couple of lines, saying that he’s trying to earn enough money to come back in the next few months. I thought I would leave it at that, but then thought again and decided to push a little more. I needed to know how he felt, so I sent him another message.

And I waited….

After few days he finally replied. I don’t want to quote him as the message was quite long, but basically it said that he misses me and still likes me, and if he could come back tomorrow he would love to pick things up from where we left off. However, he doesn’t want to make me any promises and doesn’t want me to get stuck, waiting for him.  ‘I still want to hang out with you when I come back’ he wrote ‘even if you have a boyfriend/toyboy and kiss them in front of me’.

How did it make me feel? Pretty good, I must say. I know he misses me now. I know that he would like to date me again, but we both know that we need to get on with our lives, and only when he comes back we can figure out what to do next.

I am trying to close this chapter now. It is hard, especially that I compare every guy I date to him. And I still hope that he comes back in 3 months…I miss him….

Do I really want some of that Fresh Meat?

A few things have happened recently and I was wondering what to write about first, and decided that Fresh Meat should take priority.

I haven’t seen him since Sunday. I tried to communicate with him through Line messages and keep the contact, but he is either really flaky with communicating like that, or he does not care much.

From my experience I learned that if a guy doesn’t try to keep in touch then he doesn’t treat you seriously. M always says that I shouldn’t worry about trying to contact a guy, but I just prefer him to chase me, not another way round. I need a lot of attention, and a lot of love, which Fresh Meat is not giving me at the moment.

I know that I only have been on two dates with him and it doesn’t mean much, but I do want him to show me that he is interested.

I also realise he is very young and might not know how to behave, but common sense should tell him not to treat me as his ‘weekend girl’ right?

During the recent times I also learned that there’s no point in analyzing it and pushing a guy into anything, so I am leaving it for now. I am meeting him today and we are all going camping tomorrow and I want to see how the things will play out. If he is not into me that much, then fuck it! I wouldn’t marry the guy anyway.

There’s nothing better than a day out with a young boy

Fresh Meat and I went to look for the cat shelter. As it happens often in Thailand the directions on the website were rubbish and we ended up getting lost. It could be worse though. We could have got lost in an industrial England, or somewhere really unpleasant, but instead we were in a Thai countryside and it actually didn’t matter that we didn’t find the cat shelter. We were surrounded by rice fields, mountains and little villages, where people welcomed us with smiles. We drove for over an hour there and finally gave up, and decided to go to a nearby lake.

We spent a whole day there, sitting in one of the floating huts and talking. Luckily he talks a lot, so I don’t need to come up with subjects for conversation. We left when it was already dark.

I really do like spending time with him. He’s a normal, sweet guy.  On top of that it seems that Fresh Meat is genuine and doesn’t play games. He tells me how he feels and doesn’t hide anything. I like that. And I also fancy him in a sexual way. I do fantasise about us having sex. Can’t wait till that happens.

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