I am a farang and I am ashamed of it

IMG_9396Farang –  is a generic Thai word for someone of European ancestry, no matter where they may come from. The Royal Institute Dictionary 1999, the official dictionary of Thai words, defines the word as “a person of white race” (Source: Wikipedia).

I have travelled through Asia a little. I have been to Laos, Cambodia, Burma, Vietnam, Indonesia and Thailand (of course) and everywhere I go I see the same thing: 20-something backpackers dressed in their tank tops, shorter than short shorts, or dirty baggy trousers, bare feet, drinking, making noise and behaving like they have never seen alcohol in their life before.

In Cambodia I saw not only tourists, but expats too, spread out on couches in bars inhaling the laughing gas, drinking shots with marijuana, being high on meth and whatever else they could put their hands (and noses on). I saw the locals in Phnom Penh willing to get you anything you wanted for a cheap price and not hiding it from anyone, and getting high with the foreigners. In Thailand I saw naked gay guys making out with each other in front of 15 year old locals, who by now think it is normal for us, farangs, to run around with our tits and dicks out.

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I am not even going to describe what goes on during the full moon parties…you can only imagine.

Examples of foreigners behaving badly are thousands. I am of course not an innocent one in this as I have done my share of bad things before. However, living in one place for a while changed a few things in me.

I am a party girl. I admit it. I love going out and I do that very often, also because there’s not that much you can do in Chiang Mai if you want to hang out with your friends. At the beginning of my life here I lived and went out only in the tourist area and I never saw any bad sites to it. But since I have started living in a more local place, I also hang out in the local bars and go to the local clubs and I absolutely love it. There’s no where else I feel so safe.

Thai people are very gentle by nature. They are shy and polite. When you stand in a crowded bar and someone steps on your toes or pushes you slightly they will always apologize a couple of times before they move on. They will do it bowing slightly and smiling.

There are no guys who try to grab your ass. Forget catcalling – Thai boys don’t even know what it means. If they chat you up they will ask you polite questions. If their English is a bit better, they will offer you a drink and maybe take your telephone number.

The classy girls (I am not talking about the bar girls, but about decent, modest Thai girls) will never try to pick up a fight with you. They will never get upset.

Also, what I noticed, when Thai people get drunk they are much quieter than us, so the bars and clubs are not that noisy.

On Saturday I happened to go to the farang club, called Spicy, where quite a lot of young foreigners and expat go. I hadn’t been to that place for a long time. I was waiting for the French guy to come back from the bar and tried to stand somewhere at a side. During 5 minutes I was pushed and shoved a million times. We then tried to dance but the people next to us kept making out and falling down on the French guy.

I was looking around at those drunken farangs and felt an absolute disgust. They were shouting to each other, trying to hear themselves over the blasting music. Their sweaty faces twisted in a drunken haze. On top of that I felt like there was something bad in the air, aggression maybe…something negative.

Finally, after a girl next to us dropped and broke a bottle, almost hurting my foot, we decided to leave. I felt disgusted and ashamed that I was also a foreigner.

We moved to a gay bar around the corner, where only a few locals were having fun. And you know when sometimes you move from a place you don’t like to something nicer, and you suddenly feel a shift in the energy and feel safer and happier? That’s how I felt.

All those boys in the bar were smiling at us and welcomed us with open arms (literally). We sat at a bar, enjoying a drink and observing them and I felt such a love towards them.

I am beginning to dislike farangs, even though I am one of them. I have a feeling like we can’t behave ourselves, like we are the one from a developing country, like we are destroying everything that is good around us. It makes me feel sad…

Please, if you visit Asia do not behave like animals.

When it rains it pours

A couple of days ago I mentioned the French guy, who visited Chiang Mai for a few days. I was going to go out with him and then changed my mind and ignored his messages. I finally felt sorry for him and decided to tell him the truth.

‘I think you are a great guy. You are nice, handsome and funny, but I don’t want to waste my time and energy on someone, who is only here for a few days and who I might never see again.’ I wrote to him in an email.

He said he understood. He then went silent for a couple of days, but I got another message from him on Friday asking if my friends and I were doing anything in the evening and if we wanted to go out with him and his friend. So we did.

The French guy was all over me the whole night. I couldn’t move anywhere without him being behind my back all the time. It got to a point where I was pretty annoyed with him.

The next day we all went to see the festival of lights. This time I not only got the French guy’s attention, but also Fresh Meat’s. It was pretty entertaining, I must say. At one point I was sitting on the ground, between two of them, enjoying being chatted up by two handsome boys.

I was off work on Monday, so we went out on Sunday and after a few hours I stayed with the French guy alone. There’s nothing to tell here, except the fact that after a long and very spiritual conversation, we went to my place. He left the town the next day, and I am glad that I didn’t spend my time on dating him. I got the best out of this random friendship.

I still feel like I don’t want to date anyone, but I am fantasising about Fresh Meat. He is so young, but that is very exciting to me (I love young boys). I also have a date lined up from OKC with a guy I have a good feeling about, but again I do not want to get involved in anything. Maybe he could be my friend with benefits. Like I said, when it rains, it pours.

Should I tell HIM the truth part 2 – the heartache

I believe that everything happens for a reason and everything leads you somewhere new and better. This kind of thinking helps me with coping with my recent heartache.

HE hasn’t been messaging me lately, except a few quick exchanges during the weekend. I am used to receiving random links and photos from HIM and the last couple of days have been really quiet. HE hasn’t even been online for a whole, long day (I know that from FB, don’t judge). It makes me sad and a little paranoid. I am OK (well, kind of…) with HIM sleeping with other people, especially that I am not that innocent, but I am worried that HE found someone he likes better than me. I know, I know, we are world apart and there was no agreement on being exclusive, but this silence is really worrying me….

I want to send him a quick message saying how much I miss HIM, but I don’t want to be a needy girl, who freaks out whenever HE is silent for a day or two – or shall I say I don’t want HIM to know that I am that needy girl.

Seriously, I can’t stand the fact that I don’t have that long distance relationship privilege to know about everything that goes in HIS life. I still want HIM to care about me….

And in case you are wondering – no, I still haven’t told HIM how I feel about HIM. I am scared to do so and I have no idea how I should put this across to HIM in a less direct way than just saying ‘I think I might be in love with you and I don’t know how to cope with it…’

So, I tell myself every single day that this is not all that bad, that the fact that I experienced so much attention and good things from HIM taught me what I need in a man and prepared me for something even better. I remind myself about it after every single day when I don’t hear from HIM…

Dating – too much effort

Do you also see dating as an effort? I do. You really have to put so much energy into it. You have to dress nicely (which in my case means shorts and a better quality top than those cheap ones I wear every day). You have to shave your legs (that bit is the worst). You have to spend your evening with someone you don’t really know and pretend that you are interested in whatever they have to say. You have to make a good impression, and then you still don’t know if this is a good investment of your energy.

In the last couple of days I turned down 3 dates. 2 from OKC and one from a guy, whom I met through a friend. He is French and he is just passing through Chiang Mai. We made out at a party and I was considering going out with him. Today he messaged me if I wanted to go out for a dinner, and I am pretending that I haven’t seen the message, so I can reply back at midnight with something like ‘Oh, sorry I just saw your message. Maybe another time…’ Normally, I would be excited about going out with a guy, who looks like a Greek god, but this time I just prefer to spend the evening with my sister drinking beer and playing jenga. Plus, the guy wants to go for dinner and eating any meal with a man I barely know is my worst nightmare.

Maybe I could be convinced to go out with a guy I know a little more than only from an OKC profile, or from a make out session at a random Thai bar.

On top of all that, I lost all motivation to flirt, and I am not attracted to any men (the French guy was drunken fun, nothing more).

Before, I went out to a bar or a club I  could spot which guy liked me, and I was into some flirting straight away. I was excited when I went on a date and it was a good one. I loved feeling butterflies in my stomach and I searched for it on purpose. For the last couple of weeks, I just don’t feel like I want this any more.

I miss having someone next to me, in my bed. I miss kissing and cuddling. I feel like I have a lot of love to give, but I just don’t want to invest it in someone, who is passing through, or is just not worth it. I also feel lazy. And, it seems like I really like HIM and it is hard for me to get over that.

I think there won’t be many updates on dating any time soon.

You were born…when?

My bestie M and her boyfriend are trying to hook me up with their friend. They call him Fresh Meat, which I thought was funny and that they call him that because he is new in town and I’ve just met him. So, Fresh Meat is cute, funny and really nice, sort of a decent guy. I don’t really have an intention on hooking up with him, even though M and her boyfriend are almost literally pushing us to do so. But, this is another subject.

Yesterday we were sitting in a bar, having a nice chat when someone said something about some political issues that happened in 1989.

‘I wouldn’t know that cause I wasn’t even born then’ said Fresh Meat.

‘When were you born?’ I asked.

‘1991…’

At that moment I almost fell off my chair. 1991??? I was 10 years old then!! I knew he was young, but didn’t realise he was THAT young! For some reason, that made him even more attractive. I have a thing for young boys, what can I say…

I love this city …and other news

I was walking to the nearby shopping centre this morning and it struck me yet again, how wonderful this city is. It was pretty early in the morning, and Chiang Mai was waking up slowly (everything in Thailand happens in a slow motion). It was beginning to get warmer (the rainy season is finished, now the nights are cold and the days are cooler than normal, which gives you an impression that you are somewhere in Europe during the summer), the sun was still weak and the nearby mountains were covered in mist. Shop owners were sweeping floors outside of their businesses, coffee and cha yen (a Thai version of iced tea) were sold to the people going to work on their scooters. And everything seemed so…right…

In some ways the Thai streets remind me of those in Poland. There is architectural chaos, with out of place billboards and wires hanging from the electric poles, there is dirt and dust, and on top of that a chaotic traffic. But despite of all that, I love looking at Thai streets. I really do. Polish ones always disgusted me with their lack of architectural planning and mess, but these here…well, these here are perfect.

I love the wandering monks, the tuk tuks, the street stalls, where you can buy an octopus on a stick, the markets, where I do my weekly shopping and where the overwhelming stench of raw meat hits you as soon as you walk into it. I love the bars, the cheap prices, the ever smiling locals.

This is the first time in my life when I feel such a love for a place and its people, the first time when I decided not to go anywhere on my holiday and spend the whole 7 days of my freedom in a town where I live. Sometimes, I look into the job adverts for teaching positions and think ‘Oh, teaching in Mongolia or Kazahstan would be so cool’, but then I really do not want to move from Chiang Mai. I feel that (at least for now) I have found my place on earth.

And I know that I am not at home. I realise that people I have met and I will meet will leave one day. I know that being so far from home sometimes makes me feel either guilty, or lonely, but I think during those moments, deep inside of me, I know that I will stay here for awhile.

AND FROM OTHER NEWS:

1. I bought a new scooter, shiny, black and almost brand new. I am so excited that I don’t think I will ever walk anywhere again.

2. My sister had a job offer from the organisation she volunteers at. So, she is going back to Poland in a few days for a month, and then coming back to Chiang Mai to stay for another 6 months. I couldn’t be more happy.

3. I haven’t told HIM about my feelings. The last week we have spent on chatting a little, but not enough and the time difference doesn’t help us to meet online.

4. I haven’t been on a date since the sexy date with the English boy. I have 2 or 3 lined up and it’s just a matter of saying ‘oh, let’s meet up’, but I usually prefer to hang out with M or My Sister, or watching Breaking Bad in my room. Sorry, horny young boys in Chiang Mai! Divorce and Single feels to lazy to talk to you.

Should I tell HIM the truth?

When HE left, my dear Gay Friend advised me to take some time off and really explore my feelings for HIM. So, I did.

I usually get over a guy pretty quickly. They leave, or we break up, I don’t see them for a while, do my own things, or meet someone else and think of the previous man with a sentiment.

It’s been a month since he left. I stayed away from dating, learning Thai, going out, exercising, feeling physically better. Mentally I had my better and worse moments. Then, I went on three dates and had sex with the English Boy. And after all this…I miss HIM even more…

I think of HIM all the time, I want HIM to be by my side in bed and cuddle me like he used to, I want to go out with him on a Friday night, I want to hang out with HIM and my friends on Saturdays. I want HIM back….so badly….

The sex with the English Boy made me miss HIM even more.

We chat every day, but there’s no mention of skype calls or anything. When I say I miss HIM, he doesn’t say it back.

But HE continues messaging me, chatting to me and mentioning how badly he wants to come back.

We never talk about us being together. Today HE messaged me. HE was coming back from a party and was a little drunk. HE said that he can’t find girls that like HIM. I pretended to be cool about this statement and made fun of HIM.

But, I am not cool with it, not one bit. I am not innocent, because I am also looking for dates, because I realise I can’t wait for HIM like Penelope, not knowing if and when HE is coming back. But the feelings I have for HIM are killing me…I feel frustrated that HE doesn’t know how I feel.

HE is really hard to talk to about feelings. HE always turns everything into a joke. Telling HIM everything would be a struggle and can leave me confused even more.

It might also result in HIM withdrawing and not contacting me any more, and his daily messages are highlights of my day.

Should I tell HIM how I feel, or should I just leave it…..?

About Teutonic willies

‘Just imagine…he comes back…you’re all excited..and he slaps out an egg shaped Teutonic willy’

‘So what did you do?’

‘Well…I was like…I’ll roll with it’

M always has the best sex stories. She usually tells me about her adventures very slowly, with an ‘I don’t really care about anything in the world’ manner, crossing her legs and smoking a cigarette.

This one was about a guy, who she was dating back in the States. It was the first time they had sex and his penis was weirdly shaped. And we got to this point because I was telling her about the English boy I went on a date with and I was seeing him the next day. I told her I didn’t feel any connection with him, but he was good looking and had a nice body, so all I really wanted from him was a little action. She asked me then if it would be a deal breaker if he had a weird penis. So, from one word to another, she ended up telling me the story about very small, egg shaped penis of her ex boyfriend.

That was the main subject of our conversation that evening.

The next day I had a date with the English boy. Let’s just say that I am blaming M for everything and I am convince that all her ‘weird shaped willy’ story and questions brought it on to me. I hope I am not doomed now.

Except the strangeness of his equipment, he is a very nice guy…but ugh I just want him to be someone else….

A few photos from my travels

Here is a secret, I have two blogs. This one is a personal one, where I moan about my heartbreaks. I treat it as my journal, to which I come back every now and then. I have made some virtual friends here and really enjoy going to some of my favourite blogs.

The other one is a travel blog, but I have decided not to link it to this one because of the privacy reasons. So, you actually don’t know much about where I have been and what I have seen. Today I have decided to treat you to some of my photos. Enjoy!

A decent Englishman

I had a date yesterday. I agreed to meet an English guy, who is here only temporarily, until the 16th. I especially chose him because I don’t actually know if I want something long term. He seemed really nice, so I decided to give him a chance.

There’s nothing to report on this one really.

He seems like a decent guy, normal, a bit shy. I felt like we had a lot to talk about, but during the whole conversation I felt a really heavy energy. But, that might have been up to the fact that I was a little tired.

I am not crazy about this one. He is good looking and the only thing I would want to do would be to rip that t-shirt off his perfect body and see how he looks naked. I might do that if he asks me out again. If not, then I won’t cry because of it.

I have two other dates lined up, but I feel a little tired, so I might postpone them. I got used to not going out during the week, and don’t really want to change my routing this week. I might just go for a massage and pedicure instead of meeting a stranger for a drink.

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