Love and hate relationship with my PMS

pms

It’s that time of the month again – pre-menstrual time, the one that I hate so much.

I know when my period is coming because I get anxious, sad and depressed. A few days before I start hating people. Oh no, wait! I don’t hate them, I just get melodramatic about everything and my friends usually suffer. So, if they don’t text me or call me, I don’t text them or call them either, even though I really like to make that connection and I do want company and someone to listen to me whining about life, but no, I stay quiet for days, thinking that they probably don’t care about me and I’m just unnecessary addition to my life. When they make contact, or when I hang out with them, I turn into that sad, sarcastic and horrible person I really don’t want to be.

I wake up in the morning, feeling like a failure and so tired that I could sleep for another 24 hours. I get to work and I want to kill everyone, who dares to chat to me.

I experience ups and downs every 10 minutes or so. One minute I am angry, the next I am happy and motivated to sort out the things I have been putting off for a while.

I question my life choices, I miss my X husband, I feel lonely and ugly. I feel like I will never find love again…

And I can’t wait for the period to arrive.

As much as it is always painful and I need to take a lot of painkillers so the stomach cramps subsidise, I welcome my monthly flow, because it means that I will be happier.

I go through this every month. It is tiring, but it also means that I am a woman and I love everything about that. It is a little part of me, and of who I am. I just wish the feeling of loneliness wasn’t there.

Do I have a kinkster on my hands?

We messaged a little with Fresh Meat yesterday. The conversation went from the usual shenanigans at school to punishing someone for misbehaving.

‘You need a dominatrix in your life huh?’ he asked me.

‘Maaaybe…sometimes…’ I replied

‘Me and leather go way back’ he said.

I was trying to figure out if he was joking, so I asked questions and he avoided answers, teasing me a little.

‘If you have to ask, you’ll never know. If you know you need only ask’ he said.

‘Ok, Ok I won’t push you any more’ I decide to leave it.

‘I’m the boss’

‘Yes, you are’ I admitted with resignation, thinking that I might never find out what the deal is.

‘Yes, you are….sir’ he said ‘best get that right in the future girl’ (can someone explain to me what the last sentence actually means?).

‘Yes, you are, sir’ I repeated. That got me so aroused. I love when someone dominates me.

This conversation got me thinking.

I know that he is inexperienced, and I know he hasn’t had many girls before me. I also happen to know that he previous sexual encounters with women were ‘weird’ (BF’s words, not mine) and I am wondering now, what that ‘weird’ was suppose to mean.

He is also pretty shy about sex and I would never expect him to be kinky.  But then again, there were a few instances where I thought that he likes to dominate. And maybe he is into that kind of stuff and is afraid to tell me, so he is just testing the waters.

I am not a typical kinkster. When I was married I thought that this kind of sex is dirty and creepy. My husband and I had boring sex (I can see it now). Only when I met my Lovely Friend and she told me a few things about ropes and spanking, I saw that these things are not really abnormal. Some people just like that, and as long no one gets hurt, it is all good.

The Frenchie, that I dated a while back, liked to spank me hard until my butt hurt so much I couldn’t sit. And boy! I liked that. I really did, but after a while I just needed variety, some normal love making, without him tying me up and giving me commands.

My conversation with Fresh Meat aroused my imagination. I can’t think of anything else now, besides him telling me to call him ‘sir’ and how it would be like if we could play not only in the bedroom, but outside of if, too. But, if he was just teasing me and joking, I am sure I can make him to play with me one day.

My mission now is to find out what he likes and see if I’d like it, too.

A conversation with Fresh Meat

Fresh Meat is the second such a young guy I have dated so far, and I’m telling you, 20-somethings might not be a long-term relationship prospects, but they are more mature and less of game players than the older boys.

I’ve always found older guys boring. I also learned that most of the time they play games with you and it exhausts me to the point, when I just want to quit dating all together.

Fresh Meat is 23, 10 years younger than me, but that doesn’t effect anything. At least it hasn’t so far.

We met yesterday for dinner. After, we drove up the mountain, to a view point, where we sat admiring the view on the city.

I knew I had to talk to him. I rehearsed it a thousands times in my head and I was rehearsing it again. Finally, I said it. I told him that I didn’t know what I wanted from that relationship, that I was confused, but I liked him and wanted to keep seeing him. I told him that I felt like I was doing all the work and he was pulling back every time I wanted to touch him, or kiss him in public.

I expected a short, vague, incoherent answer. I was even prepared for being pissed off, making a scene and going home,  but instead I got something so mature that it left me a little shocked.

‘You are right’ he said ‘I haven’t been trying enough, and it is not fair that you’re doing all the work. I am just scared that I will screw things up and that I will spoil everything.’

I just didn’t understand the last bit, and still really don’t. I think the only way to screw things up is to either cheat on the other person, or not be honest with each other. And how come someone, who is so lovely and kind, could intentionally hurt me, or do something that will destroy everything between us?

He couldn’t explain it to me exactly what he meant. It just seems like he over thinks things and can’t really enjoy the moment and doesn’t want to give up to what we have. And I thought I was bad…

‘You need to understand that I have never been in a relationship’ he said ‘or with a girl that I feel so connected with and I am a bit overwhelmed by it all. I will try to change it.’

I then told him how much I miss physical contact and how much I need attention and affection, and that if he doesn’t give it to me I will pull back and it will be over very quickly.

He put his arms around me and hugged me. ‘I am so sorry’ he said ‘I just never had anyone in my life who I could hug and kiss in public, and I just don’t know how to do it without feeling uncomfortable. I am really learning here. I’m sorry…’

It felt like a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders and suddenly the atmosphere between us started to relax.

We went to my place and we finally had sex. It was a surprise to me how good it was. It was obvious how inexperienced he was, but he made up for it with his enthusiasm and passion. I melted…

When he was leaving he sat next to me and kissed me long and hard. ‘Be patient with me, please…’ he asked.

I think I can try to do that…..

It’s so hard to say ‘I love you’

We didn’t go camping. Fresh Meat hit a pedestrian and the day turned into shit…long story…

Anyway, M, her BF and I went out last night. After drinking a couple BF started to question me about Fresh Meat. So I told him exactly what I had written here before: that I feel like he does not care enough, that I like him but I will not chase after him, that I want to get to know him better, but I feel like he built a wall around him and I can’t get through that.

‘Maybe he feels the same?’ BF said ‘Maybe he’s afraid that you will treat him like a toy? Besides, why don’t you talk to him and tell him what you just told me?’

Good question: why don’t I? Because I have always be a coward and talking about my feelings has always been hard for me. When I open myself up to other people I feel naked and stupid. I am afraid of rejection and of being laughed at. I have no idea where it came from. My parents were always pretty affectionate, so where does my fear come from?

The conversation then turned to my sister. ‘Do you know?’ I said ‘I have never said to her I loved her…never.’

‘What?!’ BF was a little shocked ‘How come? That’s just terrible. Take your phone and text her’

I tried to say no. My sister knows I love her, but when BF gets something into his head then there’s no way you can say no.

So I did text her.

How do I feel about it? I felt pretty good yesterday, but today when I think about it, I just cringe….I think I have some serious issues.

We communicated

Last week HE replied. He just sent me a couple of lines, saying that he’s trying to earn enough money to come back in the next few months. I thought I would leave it at that, but then thought again and decided to push a little more. I needed to know how he felt, so I sent him another message.

And I waited….

After few days he finally replied. I don’t want to quote him as the message was quite long, but basically it said that he misses me and still likes me, and if he could come back tomorrow he would love to pick things up from where we left off. However, he doesn’t want to make me any promises and doesn’t want me to get stuck, waiting for him.  ‘I still want to hang out with you when I come back’ he wrote ‘even if you have a boyfriend/toyboy and kiss them in front of me’.

How did it make me feel? Pretty good, I must say. I know he misses me now. I know that he would like to date me again, but we both know that we need to get on with our lives, and only when he comes back we can figure out what to do next.

I am trying to close this chapter now. It is hard, especially that I compare every guy I date to him. And I still hope that he comes back in 3 months…I miss him….

Do I really want some of that Fresh Meat?

A few things have happened recently and I was wondering what to write about first, and decided that Fresh Meat should take priority.

I haven’t seen him since Sunday. I tried to communicate with him through Line messages and keep the contact, but he is either really flaky with communicating like that, or he does not care much.

From my experience I learned that if a guy doesn’t try to keep in touch then he doesn’t treat you seriously. M always says that I shouldn’t worry about trying to contact a guy, but I just prefer him to chase me, not another way round. I need a lot of attention, and a lot of love, which Fresh Meat is not giving me at the moment.

I know that I only have been on two dates with him and it doesn’t mean much, but I do want him to show me that he is interested.

I also realise he is very young and might not know how to behave, but common sense should tell him not to treat me as his ‘weekend girl’ right?

During the recent times I also learned that there’s no point in analyzing it and pushing a guy into anything, so I am leaving it for now. I am meeting him today and we are all going camping tomorrow and I want to see how the things will play out. If he is not into me that much, then fuck it! I wouldn’t marry the guy anyway.

There’s nothing better than a day out with a young boy

Fresh Meat and I went to look for the cat shelter. As it happens often in Thailand the directions on the website were rubbish and we ended up getting lost. It could be worse though. We could have got lost in an industrial England, or somewhere really unpleasant, but instead we were in a Thai countryside and it actually didn’t matter that we didn’t find the cat shelter. We were surrounded by rice fields, mountains and little villages, where people welcomed us with smiles. We drove for over an hour there and finally gave up, and decided to go to a nearby lake.

We spent a whole day there, sitting in one of the floating huts and talking. Luckily he talks a lot, so I don’t need to come up with subjects for conversation. We left when it was already dark.

I really do like spending time with him. He’s a normal, sweet guy.  On top of that it seems that Fresh Meat is genuine and doesn’t play games. He tells me how he feels and doesn’t hide anything. I like that. And I also fancy him in a sexual way. I do fantasise about us having sex. Can’t wait till that happens.

He is so so sweet, but so so young

It’s the festival season here in Chiang Mai. Everywhere you go there are flying lanterns, candles and fireworks. It is magical.

Yesterday M, her BF and Fresh Meat and I had an evening of festivities on M’s roof. There was wine, cheese (a real luxury here). We also had our own lanterns and fireworks. The view from the roof was incredible. Everywhere you looked there were Chinese lanterns flying around.

The atmosphere was electric also between me and Fresh Meat. We talked a lot and at one point we kissed and didn’t stop until 3 am.

I think that Fresh Meat is really cute and sweet. He told me many times yesterday that he would do only what I wanted and nothing more because he wants to make me smile and doesn’t want to screw things up between us. What a nice thing to say to a woman!

I like him a lot. He is funny, has a great sense of humour and is a sweetheart in general. I do enjoy being around him, even though he makes me feel a little nervous and self-concious. Something that I haven’t felt for a long time. It’s all good and positive. However, his age is a kind of a problem for me. I dated 24 year old before, but Fresh Meat is 23. I am 10 years older than him. 10 years!!! I can’t feel the difference when I am with him, but still….

I have a thing for young men and I am never interested in men my age or older. It’s just not my thing. I read quite a lot about this on the internet, and it seems like there are many women who enjoy company of younger men, but I still think that 23 is a little too young…

Anyway, we are both going to an animal shelter tomorrow to look at cats and then maybe for a road trip. I am excited about it. It will be nice to see him again.

No response

It’s been a week since I sent HIM my message saying how I felt about HIM and still haven’t got a reply. I actually expected it. They guy is emotionally immature and always had problems with talking about feelings.

I am stubborn. Whenever I hold a grunge against someone, I will not talk to them until that person talks to me first. In this case a part of me doesn’t want to talk to the guy ever again and my pride doesn’t allow me to contact him. However, another part of me wants to send him a message…a not very nice one, saying what a dick he is.

The fact that he hasn’t replied doesn’t make me sad, or even disappointed. It makes me angry and annoyed. How can you be such a twat, how can you not have manners???!!

I want to move on. I feel like I want to date men again, but I need to close this chapter somehow first.

It’s my anniversary today!

Exactly a year ago I left Europe. I can’t believe how time flies. It’s been good 12 months. I saw incredible places, met really nice people, went through some heartaches and a lot of joyful moments. I do not regret anything.

I still don’t know what I am going to do with my life in a long term, but for now I am enjoying myself here.

Happy anniversary to me!

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