Weekend with the Polish guy

Well, not actually a weekend…two nights, from Thursday to Saturday.

We stayed at 5 star hotel in Bangkok (at his expense), with a swimming pool on the roof.
During the first night we hanged out at the infamous Sukhumvit. I got him to go to a club, which we thought was a strip joint, but turned out to be a brothel, with half naked girls dancing on a stage, and where a drink cost us 250 baht each (normally it costs 70 baht).
We ended up having sex at the pool in our hotel, and then in our room until 5 am.

The next day we slept a lot, went for a swim, had sex and went to venture around the city. Bangkok is so crazy. Every time I go there it surprises me with something new. This time it was a taxi driver, who was also a music teacher and taught only Elvis’s songs at school. He sang for us and then made quite a good impersonation of the king.
Then, there was the Siam night market, where you can buy anything you like, go for a meal, and to a strip club, or a brothel. Pretty dodgy place.

The more sex with the Polish guy I had the more I enjoyed it. He is a kind of a guy who likes to give. He enjoys giving pleasure and can do it for ages. I couldn’t get enough of it. There were positions I had never tried before, things he did with his fingers, with his tongue. It was CRAZY!

Besides that I found him extremely funny. He made me laugh all the time. I couldn’t stop giggling. And there is nothing better than a guy, who can make you laugh.

I came back home today. We said good by this morning. Well, we didn’t really said it. We hugged and he gave me a quick kiss.

How do I feel about the whole thing? I had fun, that’s for sure. It was worth going to the capital again. I had lots of great sex, had a laugh and really good conversations. I will miss him, but I also know that he’s gone and I might never see him again. But he gave me a lot and I am thankful for meeting him.
Deep inside, I hope I will meet him again sometime.

My expat life

It’s been almost 10 months since I left ‘home’ for the expat life in another country.
So many things happened, both good and bad.

After travelling in Bali and Australia I came to Thailand and started my TEFL course in January. The whole month was awesome. I didn’t have a man in my life, I felt great, silly, young, irresponsible and free again.

I finished the course and for 4 months I didn’t do anything. Well, I travelled a little, but mostly I partied and had a good time. The only terrible time I had was when I split up with the Frenchie. But straight after I went away to Cambodia and, thanks to new adventures, I completely forgot about the whole drama.

I came back and lived with the School Crush. I started working, he moved out and told me he didn’t want to date me.
I don’t think I went into this depressive mood because of him. I think it was more to do with the job. The fact that I was the only white person at school and didn’t have anyone to talk to. The kids were being naughty, the classes sometimes got out of hand. I am not really a teacher. A monthly course can’t teach you how to deal with misbehaving teenagers and how to actually teach them something. After a month I think I got my head around it. It is a hard work. It is harder than I expected to be, but I am beginning to enjoy it. Mostly because I finally figured out how to keep my students occupied.

I live in a studio flat. Again, I had to grow to like it. At first, I hated it. It resembles more like a hostel room than a flat. It doesn’t have a kitchen and the only good thing is the balcony. Now, I view it as my oasis. Somewhere, where I can rest after a hard day of work. And I really like it.

The best thing that happened to me in Thailand is the scooter. I love riding it. I realise how dangerous it is, but I can’t stop myself from speeding. And when I get out of town and go through the country roads…oh man! there is no better feeling. I do hope that one day I will upgrade to a bigger bike. I am so proud of myself that I can actually ride it. Back at home I couldn’t drive a car cause I was so scared. Now, I am the queen of the highway.

I love Chiang Mai. It is a perfect place for me. It is a big city with bars, restaurants, cinemas and cool places in the mountains, but at the same time it is pretty small. You can walk almost everywhere, or take a cheap local taxi wherever you go.
I miss theatre a little bit, but that’s all.

I love the fact how easy and cheap life is here. I earn 25,000 baht. The flat costs me 5,000. I get free lunches at school and spend around 30 baht for dinner and 1,000 baht a week on fruit, veg and supply of breakfast for the whole week. I also pay petrol, which is around 100 baht a week. The small money I earn is enough for a comfortable lifestyle.
There are things that are expensive, like clothes if you buy them in M&S or H&M (I don’t normally do much shopping, so that doeesn’t concern me), cosmetics (well, I spend a bit of money on that) and western food (I miss cheese so much!).

I still think of Europe a little. I wonder if I should and if I will ever go back. I wonder what to do with my retirement and my future career (if I decide to have one). I miss my parents a little and am afraid what is going to happen when they get ill.

But for now I am trying to enjoy my life as much as possible. I feel so funny when I think of how terrified I was when I was leaving. I think about myself then like about a different person.

Ok. finishing work now. Need to prepare myself for the meeting with the Polish guy. Can’t wait to see him :)

A nice weekend is coming

I am going to see the Polish guy this weekend. We weren’t planning on this, but after sorting out the logistics and making up the story at work, so I can get a day off, we will meet for 1.5 days, before he goes away.
The whole thing was his idea, not mine.

It should be so much fun!!

I am not that attracted to him and I don’t expect anything from this whole crazinness. I know he’s going back and I don’t really want to get involved with someone, who is so far away. I know myself, I won’t be faithful to him. After a few weeks I will probably meet someone else. But I have so much fun with him and enjoy his company, and the sex is pretty good, then why not meeting him again.

Can’t wait until tomorrow night!

I kissed a girl…and I liked it…a lot

I started thinking about hooking up with girls after the whole drama with the School Crush. I was only thinking about it because I thought it would be easier with woman. We think the same and maybe (just maybe) there won’t be too many broken hearts. Besides, I kind of like the Thai Toms here (the ones with short hair, wearing trousers and looking like young boys).
I almost had a date with a tom from OKCupid ones, but I chickened out at the last minute.

Yesterday we went out with some other teachers I met through a friend. One of them was a girl around my age. She was really tiny, had blond hair and glasses, and she was one of the cutest girls I have ever seen. During our conversation it turned out she was bi, so I thought I would take the chance and started flirting with her. Few more drinks later we went to a club. My best friend M and I danced with the girl and suddenly all 3 of us started making out. It was bizarre. I was thinking of going home with her… I have never in my life thought that would be possible. Unfortunately, she had to go home. She left me wanting more…

I am freaking out a little.

Isn’t it strange that at the age of 33 I am discovering my sexuality? It doesn’t feel wrong, but I am just confused.
I have no idea how to have sex with a girl and if I’m going to like it. It will be so awkward…

On the other hand, I want to try. But how do I go around meeting other girls and letting them know that I am interested in more than a friendship? I am good at doing that with guys, but girls?…What do I do?

Conversation with my soulmate

The Polish guy left me feeling happy. I miss him a lot, but for some reason I can’t stop smiling. Yesterday I told him how I felt…

Me: How is Koh Tao?
PG: It’s nice. I met a few nice guys, but the girls here are very young. Way too young for me.
Me: Well, I’m actually glad that they are.
PG: Why?
Me: I’m not good at expressing my feelings, but I will try. I realise that we don’t have any future together. I know that you were here on holiday and we might never meet again. But to me you weren’t only another adventure. You were someone special and a part of me can’t stop imagining another end to this story.
PG: I told you not to fall for me.
Me: Well, I didn’t fall in love with you, but I like you a lot and I realise what I’ve missed.
PG: You know that I don’t believe in love. I really need to spend a lot of time with a girl to trust her. There’s a distance between us and, like you said, we probably never meet again. Try to detach yourself…

And that’s that. I am suffering a little. I still imagine him coming back here. But thanks to him I feel like a new born woman. I look in the mirror and think that I am hot. I walk with a new confidence. I smile more and I look into the future with a new optimism. I just hope this feeling lasts. And I hope I will meet another soulmate again, who will stay with me forever.

…and he’s gone

When I meet men that I like I stop being myself. I get excited and nervous and feel like my whole body is uptight. I stop acting naturally, I stop eating, I stop sleeping, I get clingy. I am sure because of that all the men I liked ran away.

With the Polish guy it was a little different. When I first saw him I thought he looked like a typical Polish bloke (=not very attractive). During the first few seconds I decided to have one drink and go home. After first 15 min of conversation I thought he could be my friend. After 30 min I started wondering if I could sleep with him. After an hour I wanted to snog him and drag him to bed with me (yesterday he admitted that he had known that I liked him on our first date because I was staring at his lips quite often).

Normally, if I am not attracted to someone physically, I can only be friends with that person, I can’t make myself to kiss them. I do need to have sexual tension straight away. So, I was pretty surprised when I found myself sitting in a pub with a guy that I didn’t like physically, fantasising about having sex with him. We clicked straight away. It was a wonderful thing since I really hadn’t met a guy like that for a while now.

On top of that I felt very comfortable with him. I felt like I had known him for ages and could talk to him about everything. I didn’t have to pretend that I am someone I am not. I just had a great time.

We wrote to each other whole day yesterday and ended up spending another evening together. Then there was sex…sober, this time, and surprisingly the noises I thought he had made the night before weren’t that bad. I think I had been really drunk.

Sex was great. I can’t really remember when someone paid so much attention to my body. He touched me and looked at me like it was the first time for him. He admired my body and paid me compliments all the time. He said that to him giving pleasure is more important than receiving it and I really didn’t have to do much there. He made me cum so many times that at the end of the night I was totally exhausted.

He left in the morning today for the south, where he is doing a diving course. ‘If I had known that you are such a great person’ he said ‘and that I would meet you, I would have planned to stay in Chiang Mai for longer’. We said good bye…Yesterday I was thinking about him leaving and I was sure that it won’t bother me too much. But the more time passes, the more I realise that I might not see him again and it makes me really sad. He was actually pretty special. We didn’t cheat each other and made no promises. I am of course analyzing, as I always do, and hoping a little that something will change and we end up in some semi long-distance relationship, which is not really possible (besides, do I actually want that? hmmm….nah!).

The good thing which came out of the whole experience was the fact that knowing him made me realise what I want from my men, and that the looks are not everything, that if you give someone a chance their personality might be sexier than you think.
I need to stop being so shallow.

A follow up date and weird sex sounds

I met the Polish guy yesterday again. As it turned out I am not THAT attracted to him physically, but I LOVE his personality. We have the same sense of humour. He makes me laugh so much that I have tears in my eyes. We can talk for hours about everything and nothing.

Yesterday we went to watch a Muai Tai fight and after we went to a local bar, where we sat talking until 1. After we went to his place and tried to swim in the hostel’s swimming pool. Unfortunately, there was a very small and very pissed off security guard, who carried a laptop with him. Every time we wanted to have a dip, or laughed loudly, the guy pushed the buttons on his laptop and a very ‘machine like’ sounding woman was telling us in English not to use the pool, and be quiet.

Finally, after a few attempts, we went to his bungalow and yes, we had sex…which was pretty good, but the guy makes sounds like a woman out of a porn movie. I was a little drunk, so didn’t pay attention to it, but this morning was thinking about it and thought it was the weirdest thing ever.

I stayed overnight and woke up at 6:30, which is a little too late. I had to go home, take a shower, dress and went to work, still a little drunk. Do you know how difficult it is to teach 30 Thai students while pissed?

I am meeting him tonight again and will probably spend a night at his place. I really do enjoy his company, but that bloody moaning…I just need to block it out somehow.

A date with my fellow countryman

I lasted 3 weeks without seeing the School Crush. I was so sick of him after that SAD SUNDAY that I really didn’t want to see him. During the 3 weeks he didn’t contact me either. He must have been sick of me as well. I was on a verge of contacting him last week, but I stopped myself.

Meanwhile I met a Polish guy on OK Cupid. I decided to meet up with him, only because he was from the same country, and I am pretty sick of hanging out with Americans (no offence, but you guys can be annoying sometimes). So, we set up a date and met yesterday. I must say I had a great time. In fact, I can’t remember when was the last time I clicked so quickly with a stranger.
Polish guy is funny, intelligent, honest, tall and blond. I am under his spell. The only thing is, he’s leaving in 2 days…

A date with a nice man – does there need to be a sexual tension straight away?

Around a month ago I, my friend M and the School Crush went for a dinner to a very nice restaurant in town. It was my birthday and I wanted to celebrate in style.
We were served delicious food and entertained by a very nice, young man who happened to be the owner of the place. He was funny, really polite, spoke Thai, English, Chinese and could sing like an angel.

At one point M realised that she had met the guy on OKCupid. We went back home and she messaged him, confirming that he was the same person.
M decided that she wanted to go out with him, but then she met someone else and the Restaurant Guy was off the hook.

He caught my interest and I had been thinking of asking him out for a while. But I was hanging out with the School Crush and hoping that something would happen. After last weekend, however, I had a feeling that I didn’t want to see him for a while. So, I went on OKCupid and messaged the Restaurant Guy. After a few messages we set up a date.
We met yesterday at his bar. I must say I had a great time. We had a nice conversation, drank good quality beer (such a difference after the shitty Thai stuff) and I even met his friend.

The Restaurant Guy is highly educated, travelled a lot and he is a true gentleman. It makes such a difference from the dickheads I have been seeing recently.
But…I don’t find him attractive. I am not attracted to him in that way. I really like him, I like his personality, but if I want to be with a guy, I need something more than that.

He asked me to go to the cinema with him today to see a Thai movie. I will probably go. I just want to see what happens.

After my date yesterday I met my sister to watch the football. As it happened the Frenchie was there and he wasn’t alone. He had his new girlfriend with him. Awkward!! God, I am still attracted to him, but just on a physical level….

My embarrassing drinking bonanza and hangoverd thoughts on life

I have a problem with alcohol. Not a big one, but I think it exists. During the week I am busy with school, gym and other activities. I am taking Thai lessons and study hard, so I can have a conversation with this cute Thai PE teacher that works at my school. 

Last week I was really proud of myself for being productive and good to myself. I decided to keep it up. And I would probably have if it hadn’t been for the weekend, which I am beating myself about today. 

At the end of busy and stressful week I felt a great urge to have sex, so I called the School Crush. I suggested I would come to his place, but he wanted to go to dinner. So we went…After that he wanted to get a massage. I almost rolled my eyes. I really wanted to have sex and then go home, but he insisted on getting massages. So we went… and then he dragged me to a local bar, where we had a couple of beers. Finally, he ended up sleeping at my place and stayed for the whole night. I woke up hangovered, but felt ok for the rest of the day. 

In the evening the School Crush and I drove to our friend’s place for a barbecue, 40 minutes outside of Chiang Mai. During the several hours I had a glass of rice whiskey, a glass of wine, 3 beers, 3 glasses of Hong Tong (local rum) and thousands of cigarettes. The School Crush got even worse than me. We were both pretty intoxicated. But that’s not all.

We were on our way back when we got a great idea to go drinking to a pub in the centre of the city. I had 2 beers, or 3. I don’t remember exactly….We stayed in the pub for 3 hours, talking to a nice older gentleman. Then we had another great idea that instead of pushing my bike back home, I will drive us. When I am drunk it doesn’t take long to convenience me that the most stupid idea is the greatest one. 2 beers might not be much for some, but I felt pretty light headed. It was fine at the beginning, but the longer I drove the more drunk I felt. I kept thinking ‘this is not good, this is not good’…. Luckily we didn’t crash. Well, we didn’t crash per se…We stopped at a traffic lights on a little hill and when I started moving I couldn’t keep my balance, so the School Crush fell off the bike. Because we were pretty much stationery nothing happened to either me or him. I know it is silly and immature, but I still laugh when I remember him laying on a sidewalk, with a screwed helmet and red, embarrassed face, trying to get up.




A few minutes later I hit a curb with the side of my bike and scratched his foot a little. Still don’t know how it happened. Well, we got home at the end.

But that is not all. I left my bike at home and we went to look for another place to drink more. Because it was Sunday and they don’t sell alcohol until 5 pm, bars were closed. Finally, we got to this fancy hotel, where a beer was 140 baht (normally it costs 65), so we had a couple of beers and some whiskey. We ended up chatting to some rich Australians, who probably hated us for talking absolute rubbish. At the end (and this is what I feel guilty about) we left without paying. We just walked off because the waitresses were too busy to give us the bill. I have done this once or twice before, but this time I feel a little bad. 

At the end of the night we went to a local bar, where we had another 3 beers. I came back home at 11 and today pulled a sickie. I just couldn’t face work after all that. My first sickie in Thailand!

I woke up with a great feeling of guilt. I just have an impression that my life is slipping away from me. I just don’t enjoy being drunk anymore, but on the other hand once I start, I can’t stop. I do believe I have a problem. 

I wish I could have enough strength in me to say no to nights out and drinking. I wish I could have someone in my life that could influence me in a good way. I just feel like I need that other person (and I am not saying that it needs to be a man) to stop me from going down. 

Hanging out with the School Crush doesn’t help me. We are both party animals and influence one another in a bad way. He is the one, who said that he can’t date me because we would drink all the time, and he wants to stop partying. And he is the one, who had a great idea of drinking whole day. 


There is no sexual tension between us anymore. We sleep together and make out when we’re drunk, but there’s nothing there. We see each other on the weekend and don’t contact one another during the week. He used to ask me out all the time, now it is just weekend friendship. I’m not sure what happened. I miss having that tension with him. It was so exciting. Now only friendship left, I think. On the other hand, maybe that’s better. Maybe it’s better to be emotionally detached from someone who, just as me, has a problem with alcohol.

He seems to be detaching himself from me, too. He doesn’t kiss me out of a blue anymore. He is not affectionate and he always tries to get away gently whenever I show a little bit of feelings for him. 

I think we should stop seeing each other, which would be close to impossible as we have the same circle of friends. Maybe I should do the same as I did with the Frenchie. The best ideas come when you are hangovered and feel guilty about your life. 



I just want to do something good with my life. I want to stop smoking (I became addicted), I want to read more, listen to good, new music, exercise more, have more motivation. I know myself enough to realise that I can do all these things for a few days and then go downhill during the weekend. I just can’t do it in a long term. I’m such a weak person…

Well, these are my thoughts for today. I am sure I will be better tomorrow tho. 


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