That scary word…

‘We looked at your tests results and we found that there were cancerous cells in the mole’ I was sitting in my dermatologist’s office in one of the Chiang Mai’s hospitals. I was staring at the young doctor not understanding what he was saying. My mind went blank. The only thing I knew was that I had cancer. He showed me the test results, pointing at specific paragraphs, but I looked at it and wasn’t seeing anything. I wanted to cry.

A week back HE and I were having a home-spa afternoon. I had bought a really good body scrub and HE was massaging my back with it. ‘You have a really funny looking mole here’ he said suddenly. Because I couldn’t see it, he took a photo of it and showed it me. It indeed looked bad – it looked more like a black uneven stain than a mole. It was the same one that I had scratched before and which my dermatologist recommended to remove, but I decided not to then.
I went to the doctor as soon as I could. I had the mole removed and waited a week for the results. I was sure everything was going to be ok. But, as it turned out, it wasn’t the case. I had another small surgery two days after my diagnosis. The mole was removed with a little bit of skin around it to make sure that everything was gone. The sample was sent for further analysis. At the moment I have stitches and am waiting for results, which are suppose to come back next Monday.

Of course I put my results into Google. Since I couldn’t focus on what the dermatologist said I had to check it myself. My skin cancer is called ‘melanoma in situ’, which means that the cancerous cells are only on the outside and diddn’t manage to spread. The outlook for this kind of melanoma is said to be excellent and there are 90% of chances I will not need any further treatments. If it turns out the cancer is till there, I will need another surgery. I try to think positive, but you know how it goes, the ‘C’ word is scary and when you hear it from your doctor the whole life flashes before your eyes (quite literally). I am scared and worried and I just want this week to be gone quickly so I can finally find out what is going on.

HE has been wonderful during this whole time. He looks after me and spends a lot of time with me to make sure I don’t get sad. It is nice to have someone like that next to you. If it wasn’t for him I would have probably gone home by now.

Keep your fingers crossed for my, my lovlies and wish me luck.

Will love change everything for me now?

He went away to Cambodia for a few days last week and came back this week. During his absence I missed him very much, but I also discovered that I was fine without him, that if he decides to go I will be heart broken, but I will also cope with the loss, just like I had before.

When I picked him up from the airport, I wanted to tell him that, but it just came out wrong, and not like I wanted it to. The next day I spent at work writing down my feelings and trying to express myself as much as I could. I read the whole thing a thousand times and learned it by heart. We met up after I finish school and I really had this whole thing planned out, but of course I didn’t gather enough courage.
We went to a reagge concert and while dancing he held me tight and started saying how much he enjoyed his time with me. Nothing new here…He said that he had finally found his purpose in life..in me… And then he said he loved me. You, who have been following this blog, know how long I had been waiting for this and how much I wanted that. At that moment I was beyond happy.

He said he didn’t want to say it because he was afraid of hurting me, that he would decide to go away and that he would have to leave me behind and that would break my heart. Funny enough, one of the things I wanted to tell him was that I didn’t mind if one day our paths will split…I am fine with that thought, because no matter what I know I will be fine.
‘If it doesn’t work out’ I said back ‘it’s ok. It’s life. But if we decide to make it work and stay together for a long time then that will be awesome’.
‘Let’s go for that second option’ he replied.

We slept together and before he fell asleep he told me to ask him about his feelings the next day, because he wanted to be sober and say it in the daylight to me, so I would be sure of his feelings.

I woke up next to him a little bit before the alarm went off this morning. I was staring at the ceiling and thinking that I was really happy at that moment, but also a little freaked out. I don’t want to turn into a boring person, who is in a relationship and spends her evenings on the couch with her boo, watching films. No wrong with doing that, but please kill me if I do this every weekend. I still want to be a crazy, 30 something woman, who goes out and meets people, and does stupid things with her boyfriend. I want to travel, discover, spend time with my sister when she’s here. I don’t want to clean my fridge for months and go to bed at 2 am, sleep 4 hours and go to work the next day. I want to have space, buy junk food, get stoned by myself and binge watch stupid movies on Thai TV. I want to talk rubbish about boys and other people and laugh at that with all the energy I have in me. Because this is me, this is who I am.

For some reason knowing that he loves me makes me think that everything will change…I hope it will not…I hate changes.

Things that bother me…slightly

I need words…I am a ‘words person’. I appriciate gestures, but I need some confirmation in words. So, I like when he makes me food and decorates it with heart shaped vegetables (which is funny and cute), I like when he spends time stroking my whole body until I fall asleep, I like when he looks at me like I’m the only person in the world that counts…I love all that, but I also need something more.

Every time we go out and get a little tipsy I start the conversation about my feelings, which he hates. He doesn’t dislike the fact I want to talk about it, he is more upset that I always want to talk when I’m drunk, we’re in a public place, or we’re out with friends. He hates that and I can’t talk about my feelings when I am sober. The sound of my voice makes me cringe.

The last time we had a serious conversation it was Saturday night. I know I have written about it a numerous times, but this is the only thing that troubles me. I am in love with him. Not crazy in love, or ‘I will die for you’ kind of love. It’s more like: I want to spend time with you, you make me happy, I miss you when you are not around, and when you are around I think you are the most handsome man on the planet. I haven’t told him that. He knows I am in love, but he doesn’t realise what that means for me at this stage.
The thing that bothers me is that he has never said it back.He says he likes me a lot, he says he would like to move somewhere with me, if I decide to do so, he says he likes spending the time with me, I am the only person he has had such a great sex with…but he doesn’t love me. He says that for him saying that he loves me would mean that he would be tied down. He says that he has been in love before and he doesn’t feel the same for me. He says that one day he decides to move and when he thinks about it he thinks that he would be ok to move by himself…but still he wants to move with me if I decide to.

After a conversation like that I always decide not to touch on the subject again for a while and things are great then. We behave like teenagers, making out everywhere, we spend days in bed, watching movies, we make love, we go out drinking and doing crazy things, again he makes me food, he strokes my body, he looks at me that way…and then I put my guard down and begin the conversation again, which I know will lead to a broken heart.

Thing is that I feel loved. He gives me a lot of attention and affection and I love being in that state, but I do need words.
I’m thinking if I should stick around, if I should continue this relationship and take his word that he ‘will stay with me until I get fed up and bored with him’, if I should stop having those conversations with him and just see where things go….or should I break up, leave, go somewhere where I can cure my broken heart and forget about this?

These are things that bother me.

A quote I found…

…it made me think of my relationship
‘There’s that word again. Need. I need you. I need you to need me. How nauseating, to need another human being, as if their heart is in your throat. Love isn’t about need. Don’t romanticize the notion of desperation. Let me let you in on a secret: you don’t need me and I don’t need you. We can get through life just fine without each other but love is not *wanting* to. We want each other, we want skin and hands and all our daily scars. We want intoxication and art museums and intertwined limbs. We want ferocity in our lips and tracing slow, small circles on our stomachs. I don’t need you in my life, but goddamn I want you in it.’
from “All the Want in the World Cannot Fit in Our Hands” author unknown

My goal is to not having to get up before 7..EVER AGAIN!

When I woke up this morning first thing I felt, except tiredness, was anger. I was angry I had to get up so early. It’s been always the case with me. At school the teachers were complaining to my mum that I always looked like I was going to fall asleep, and with a few exceptions I really did want to go back to bed. At uni I usually didn’t go to the first lectures, because I was not capable of making myself get up at 6am. And then during my whole time in London I was always tired and sleepy. I complained every single day for 10 years that I had to get up.
Nowadays my schedule might be a little better than before: I get up at 6:45 and it takes me only 20 minutes to drive to school, through markets and South East Asian, exotic streets, but after over a year of doing so, I am complaining on early hours…again!
I just can’t do it. I am not a morning person. Getting up makes my cranky, angry and just plain moody. I try to go to bed early. Yesterday I went to bed at 10 and feel asleep after 12 because I really can’t rest before that.
Of course my weekends have something to do with the tiredness, too but last weekend I didn’t go out and I still feel like I partied the whole time.
I think I just don’t like talking to people and become an introvert when I really don’t sleep enough. My ideal time for sleeping would be 1 am to 11 am, but at the moment I just can’t do it because of work.
So, I do need to work on getting more clients for my writing. I already have one big one. It is an online booking site and I write blog articles for them. The job is for 3 months. It’s a good exercise and experience. They want to work with me for 3 months, and I need to figure out how to become a real SEO writer, so I can earn enough money to sustain my living in Asia. Problem is, there is quite a lot to learn and to do and with my work schedule and shit I have to do here I just don’t have time to do it. Plus, I am tired beyond imagination at the moment and all I think about is sleeping.
I am tempted to quit this job and do focus on the writing….

A weird way to say ‘I like you’

HIM and I did have some rough times. Most of them were caused by me. I don’t want to get into details. I was just mad once that he went out instead staying with me on a Friday night, once I told him (not literally, but that’s what he understood) that he’s a bad person and a bad boyfriend, and then there were a couple of time when I was just mad because I couldn’t control him and he didn’t reply to my drama queen moods like I wanted him to.

That all led to a big argument. I finally told him that what I had done was caused by my insecurities and that I wanted him to show me how much he cared. He told me that he wouldn’t stick around if he didn’t care…but also he told me that he didn’t love me and that it was never suppose to be a love relationship because we are both expats and we need to remember that one day we will go in our separate ways. He asked me what I wanted and told me to make up my mind about the relationship with him. Yeah…we’ve been through that before, right?
By the end of the conversation I started crying, he held me for a long time until I calmed down and then we just went home. We didn’t talk about it after…

That was almost a month ago. Since then something has changed. First of all, I stopped being needy and decided that my drama queen moods won’t help with anything. I am very controlling. He is like a wild animal that needs a lot of space, so I gave him that space. And since I have done that he’s been all over me.

First of all he comes over to my place. I work on my writing jobs in the evenings, so don’t really have time to entertain him, but he just lays in my bed quietly and does his things, or sleeps.
He goes out during the week, when I don’t have time to do so, and every time he comes back to my bed, just to cuddle up and wake up next to me the next day.

Last week we went to Bangkok to see a concert. We spent two great nights together and had lots of fun. We went for food at 4 am one night and I just told him that despite the things he says that he doesn’t love me I do feel loved. And that’s true. I do feel adored when I’m around him. It’s like the most wonderful thing ever. ‘Well’ he said ‘I don’t want to say I love you because I am afraid that it will tie us down and we both might want to move on one day. But I will tell you this one thing – I will stick around you until you are truly fed up with me, and bored, and you don’t want me any more…’ That’s a strange way to say ‘I love you’. Anyway, I don’t really remember how this conversation went from then on, but I do remember telling him that saying ‘I love you’ won’t mean that we are tied down. Of course, I would really like us to travel together and to move somewhere together one day, but I am also prepared to split because we might have different priorities in life. I just want to enjoy all the affection and love he gives me.

This weekend we spent together. On Friday we watched movies in his flat, on Saturday we went to a cafe to work (I am part time digital nomad now) and then we stayed at mine. I will admit here that we smoked weed whole night. I am not a big fan of drugs. I have done my fair share of them, but I do like to smoke from time to time. And if you have never smoked weed and had sex after, then you need to try it. It’s AWESOME!!It’s the most sensual and arousing experience ever. So that was my Saturday night.
At one point we listened to Britney Spears – just for fun – and he told me a story about his ex girlfriend from high school that cheated on him while he was away. He said that he sang that song to her…It was funny for me at first (especially while high), but then I looked at his face and he was hurt…He really was… He is not a person, who easily tells me about his feelings or becomes vanurable, and those moments, when he looks hurt are very rare…and in that moment he did look hurt and I just gave him a big hug.
The next hour he played romantic ballads (again, not something he does normally), stroked my hair and was looking at me in a way no other man has done since my husband (and that was ages ago, too).

Yesterday we went to a country side to a restaurant, where a Polish guy makes wonderful pierogi. WE spent a whole afternoon there, talking to the guy and drinking beer. WE got back at night. He came back with me to my apartment. He hugged me for a very long time and then kissed me with a real passion, slightly biting my lip. He then left for some beers with friends, and came back at 5 am to sleep with me.

Thing is, I know he’s immature, I know that his ‘I love you’ phobia is ridiculous. I know that he might not love me and I realise that this relationship might be doomed because of our lifestyles, but you know what? I don’t care. I haven’t felt like that for a long time. I don’t have butterflies in my stomach, I am not nervous, I eat, I sleep, I function…But I melt every time I think of him. I feel that wonderful warmth inside of me all of those things he does….the way he is with me…It just makes me feel so so great…

Oh, and now I have keys to his flat and he said I can come over any time I want. ‘Any time you are not feeling well, or want company, or just want sex…’

Why you shouldn’t read Christian Carter’s blog

I have found his website a while ago. It was during the time when I was dating the Kid and it wasn’t going well. I was in need of an advice. So, I subscribed to Mr Carter’s newsletters.
His site is called Catch him and keep him and he claims that he will teach you all the secrets you need to know about getting the man of your dreams and keeping him.
Basically, this is a website for desperate women.

Mr Carter is some sort of a celebrity in the dating world. He gives advice, teaches women, has videos, articles and ebooks.

I read all of his newsletters at the beginning. I was one of those desperate women, looking for someone to tell them how they can keep a guy they really wanted to be with.
After a while, I stopped reading the articles. Why?

First of all, they are all the same and they say one thing: you need to change, you need to be the goddess the man desires, or a cold bitch, or this and that. Basically, it’s your fault the man doesn’t want you and you need to change your behaviour. I have one thing to say to that: if the guy doesn’t want you, he doesn’t want you. PERIOD. If the relationship is not working out it won’t, no matter what you’ll do. This is especially important to remember at the beginning of the relationship.
And let’s say that you will change and the guy will stay with you because he will think how great you are and how wonderful the relationship has recently been. Let’s face it – how long can you keep that up? How long can you behave like someone else, someone you are not, before you will go back to your old ways, or even if you get married to the guy and suddenly he realizes that he married someone completely different?
And what about talking to your guy about the stuff he does wrong and trying to change HIM?? Huh? Why does it have to be our fault, Mr Carter?

Second reason why I don’t read the newsletters any more is the fact that they make me paranoid. This morning I decided to open the recent one (that’s why I am also writing about it, because it really annoyed me). It was about being with a great guy and relationship going well, so you are trying harder and suddenly the guy is telling you he is not ready, or he is pulling away. I don’t want to go into details. The newsletter is pretty long. But in the middle of reading it I realised that maybe this whole thing is also about me? Maybe I am also too pushy, or maybe my relationship is not going anywhere. So, I started analysing HIS behaviour, and then I became scared….Thing is, my lovlies, that every relationship is different, we are all in different circumstances, we have different characters and for goodness sake! The guys are all different. Yes, maybe in the past this situation that Mr Carter described in his newsletter happened to me, but it is not said that it will happen to me again.It is not said that HE is the same as the others (and he proved so many times that he is not).

Third reason is that many times before after reading his newsletters he made me paranoid to the point where I started to panic and made so many mistakes and said some really stupid shit, only to see the guy flee.

And the fourth reason is – the money. Mr Carter of course needs to eat, so I don’t blame him for trying to sell his ebook, but his newsletters are so cleverly done that they go on and on about your mistakes and when finally they seem to go to the solution he says that to find out more you need to buy his precious book, which I assume will tell you more about how much you suck in a relationship and what you need to change, and because many women don’t have money to spare $40 on an ebook, they start to think too much about what they are doing wrong and that reflects in their relationship.

So, if you are thinking of subscribing to Mr Carter’s newsletters think twice. My relationship advice to you is that: do whatever feels right to you. If it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out. YOu will end up broken hearted, but you will learn a lesson or two and will go into another relationship wiser and more careful. Don’t give up, but don’t read stupid dating advice on the internet. It will not help you, it will destroy what you already have. Remember, internet dating advice is like reading about your symptoms and diagnosing yourself with cancer. Just don’t do it! Please!

An update

Hello all my lovelies, it’s been a while.

I actually considered quitting writing this blog all together, but I thought of all of you bloggers that I made friends with and just couldn’t make myself to delete it.

Anyhow, life has been good and bad recently.

HIM

The situation with HIM is stable at the moment, but oh boy, had we some rough times! Mostly, they were caused by my mood swings, my jealousy and insecurities. I can’t even remember why I was behaving like that. I overanalyzed his every move, his every word and drove myself mad. I said things to him that caused him not to talk to me for a few days. During our last argument a week ago I really thought he would leave me.
I gave him time to cool off and when we finally met up he kept his distance. He talked to me, but his whole behaviour changed. I panicked…I pressured him to talk to me about it.

That night we had a huge fight on the street. He accused me of pushing him into confessions he didn’t want to make. We went through ‘I love you, but you don’t love me’ thing all over again. I cried…He felt bad…Of course we ended up hugging each other and kissing, and having a wild sex that night.

We spent 4 days together and they were a bliss…It is so nice now, and I really don’t want to spoil this. I really don’t want to go back to the pissed off, nasty DivorceandSingle, who tries to hurt him with her words all the time. I really did hate myself for it.

We have both agreed that this relationship will be over at some stage. We are both expats, who have a little bit of a different idea of what to do with their future. I think in 6 months or so we will say good bye to each other. Although, that is a long time and anything can happen.

WORK

I am still enjoying teaching…somewhat…However, I have been fantasizing about being a writer and earning money mainly on that. I am now actively looking for some assignments, and I might have scored a pretty big project, so fingers crossed for that.
I am also writing 2 books (maybe 3). If I manage to sell them then I won’t have to get up at 6 any more – or so I hope.
I have taken some time off work last week and I really did enjoy sitting in a coffee shop and writing. This is what I want to do. As much as teaching is fun, I don’t want to do it until the rest of my life.
Living in Asia makes me think that it is possible to sustain my living only from writing. It would not be possible in Europe, at least not at the beginning. At the moment I just need to earn £500 a month to live on the same level as I have been. I really do hope to achieve it one day.
Apart from the possible big writing project, I have mentioned, I also have an interview with a company that provides teaching English online. If I can get that job, I will be able to quit my full time job, work remotely and have more time to write…The only issue is that this will cause a little bit of problems with my visa.

FAMILY

My sister is in Poland now. She is living with my parents. From what she says the financial problems my parents had were exaggerated and my mum used an emotional blackmail against us.
AT least the legal matters regarding my mum’s properties are now sorted and they have been given to me and my sister. It is a double relief: in case of more debts no one will take it away from us, it is also my backup for retirement, in case I decide never to have a serious life (which is very possible).

Today I am full of positive energy. I just hope it lasts for a bit.

All that loveliness

Sometimes when we sleep together, and I wake up in his arms, I just can’t get over the fact how happy I am. I look at HIM and all I can think of is one word: loveliness. You know, it’s that moment when you really, really like somebody and you can’t think of one thing that annoys you about them. Instead, you find them close to perfect.

We haven’t had that much time to spend together due to his workload. He did, however, try to make some time for me every now and then, and I enjoyed that time so much. We did have a couple of arguments in the last two weeks. They were mostly caused by me, by my insecurity and self doubt, and by the fact that I am trying to predict the future. I actually decided that if I continue like this I will never be happy and I will make his life miserable, too. I have decided to change.

I believe that this relationship has a good influence on me. It made me work on my writing more, and I have already started to work on myself, which is going well. I know I will have some darker days, but I am sure that I can be even happier than I am. And for that, I am grateful to HIM. I am not sure where this relationship is going, or if it is going anywhere at all, but I am sure that it is making me a better person.

I stopped being afraid of telling him I love him. He doesn’t say it back. He says he’s not ready and that’s ok. I know that he does love me.
‘You make me happy’ he said to me last night and I thought it was as lovely as waking up in his arms.

I think I went a little overboard with this

I’m killing myself over the conversation I had with him yesterday. I wanted to say that his work and time management wasn’t great and that this is not healthy for him, neither it is for me. I wanted to tell him how much I missed him when he wasn’t around. And of course I said it all wrong and it seemed like I blamed him for everything, including his workload, and I was blackmailing him (‘if you can’t sort this out, I will need to break up with you). What the hell was I thinking?

The guy did not do any work through out the whole weekend just to be with me. He even made some plans for us this week, despite the fact that he has big projects to finish this week, and his friend is coming to visit, so he needs to look after him. He complained on Friday how much he has to do and that he was afraid he would drop dead at the end of this week. And what did I do? I made the situation worse.

I apologized yesterday….but was it enough?

I am freaking out.

I was in his place once. I did have a boyfriend, who was not only jealous, but also wanted to have all of my time. I know how people behave when they are pushed like that. He hasn’t been in touch since yesterday afternoon, which is very unusual for him. I just hope he’s working and not thinking that he’s had enough of me and he doesn’t want to see me again.

My head is spinning with worries.