After I published my last post HE messaged me saying he missed me. He actually said he missed me so much it made him feel sick. This was something new. I had tried to tell him I missed him during his 5 months away and he had always dismissed it. Now, he was saying that to me. I was thrilled.

Last night we had a little conversation. He was telling me about going to a club and dancing with a girl. Of course, I got upset. He said that nothing had happened, but I was still upset. I am bad at relationship stuff, but we hadn’t talked about being exclusive, so I thought I had not had any right to show him how him dancing with another woman upset me. But at the end I just couldn’t hide it. I said I was normally not as jealous. ‘It’s ok’ he said ‘You’re in love with me. It’s normal’. I didn’t deny. I thought he should know that I had feelings for him. I tried to tell him that it was not normal being so jealous all the time, but he cut the conversation short.

I asked him if he was in love with me. ‘Maybe a little’ he said.
Wait a second…hadn’t he said something else before? What does ‘maybe a little’ even mean? Is he or isn’t he? I didn’t push, but it did get me thinking… Am I alone here with my feelings? Is it mutual, or am I in love with someone, who isn’t returning it back to me? Is this a dead end? Or maybe I am trying to read too much into it?

We also established the fact that he was not going to hook up with anyone else until I come back.

I don’t think he is as insecure about this whole thing as I am. I think he trusts me 100% and knows how I feel. I don’t have that confidence. I have no idea why. Is this something I could work on, or is it HIM somehow doing it to me?
Maybe I should make him feel a little insecure then? Make him guess and wonder what I am doing here?

I don’t like being in love. It has spoiled all my good energy I have gathered during the last 5 months.