I am just sitting in McDonalds at Kuala Lumpur airport, enjoying air con, fries and listening to Madonna (I love her old songs). I am nervous. India will be so much different from any other countries I have visited so far. I will spend a month there. A whole month! If you don’t know already, I am going to Kerala. It is said that it is a more laid back region of the country and not as intimidating for women. But I am still nervous…

I am staying a couple of days in Koch, the capital of the region and then moving to Kovalam, where I have booked to stay with a Couchsurfing host, who is Russian and seems like an interesting guy. After that, who knows?

I am in constant touch with HIM. We message every day. I can’t stop thinking about him. I have constant butterflies in my stomach and feel really scared and nervous about the whole thing. It is mostly due to my low self esteem and some experiences I have been through before. I am scared that he will treat me as some sort of toy, that he is fascinated by me and likes me a lot, but he will play with me for a bit and then ditch me. I do not plan on staying forever with him, but do not want to be treated badly again. I am scared that he is with me now because he doesn’t have anyone else in his life at the moment. I am scared that this month apart will ruin what we’ve had (although, we did last almost 6 months apart).

I am scared of my own feelings, too. I don’t know how to show him what and how I feel. The butterflies make me sick…I don’t like being in love.

I keep wondering if he would be seeing other people while I am away. Sometimes, I just wish I hadn’t learn about the fact that you can sleep with others until you decide to be exclusive. What is this shit anyway? When I dated the X a while ago it was obvious straight away that we were exclusive. We didn’t even have to talk about it. And nowadays you need to figure out if he/she is seeing other people, if you should talk about it, and if you talk about it then you might get really hurt. It’s such a bollocks!

I wonder what your opinion on this is? How do you deal with exclusivity when you date?
How do you think I should show HIM my feelings when I am so far?
Should I discuss all my worries with HIM?

Advertisements