After our fall out I didn’t talk to HIM the whole of the next day. I was hurting inside. I went shopping and spend a lot of money and then went out with my sister. I actually had a good time, even though I was a little depressed, but I didn’t allow myself to think about him all the time.

The next day I messaged M. I said that I did want to contact him and clarify the situation, but my ego was hurting and I didn’t want to message him first. She advised me to stop playing relationship games and that if I felt bad then I should talk to him. So, I gathered all my courage and send him a message casually asking what he was doing. He said he was working. I asked if he wanted to have lunch with me. He said that he had had food. So, I sent him a long message about the fact that he had understood me wrong and that I didn’t want to have kids, or marry him, that all I wanted to have was to go back to what we had before.
‘That is strange’ he said ‘because I asked you exactly the same thing. I asked you if you wanted to go back to where we left off and you said that it would break your heart. So, I offered you my friendship. You got really upset and left’.
I could have facepalmed myself after reading this. Was I really that drunk?

I apologized.
Then I asked him what he wanted. He said that it wasn’t up to him since he had been the first one to ask that question. He also said that if being back together was something that would break my heart and I would be suffering then maybe we should stay friends.

Of course I couldn’t be just friends with him. Sooner or later we would end up in bed and I think that it would be better if we have some sort of a relationship then sleep randomly with each other and then pretend we are just friends. I think that would be hurtful to me.

After clarifying everything we went for a little trip outside of Chiang Mai with my sister and 2 other friends. We spent a whole day together. He was oddly quiet, but said he didn’t feel well.
In the evening we went for drinks and he got really drunk. For some reason he always wants to discuss emotional things when he’s drunk. I have decided not to do it, but he insisted on talking about the argument. He said he was still a little afraid of me (his exact words) because I scared him of leaving him that night and not coming back. He said he had wanted to text me just after I left. He had other things to say, but I interrupted him and told him I didn’t want to discuss it.

We spent the night together, which was nice, but I think I would prefer to have sex when we are both a little bit more sober.
This morning he brought me breakfast and we went for a massage. He was going to go for a pedicure with me, but I didn’t feel well and went home.

Now, to summarize: I do know that he is here for only 6 months. I do know that he will leave. I also realise that I will put myself through a break up again. On the other hand, I am taking my chances here because 6 months is a long time. He might stay, he might go, we might break up before those 6 months are done. Anything can happen.
I still don’t know if we are allowed to date other people. We didn’t when he was here before… I am soon going to India and am wondering if I should ask him if he is planning on seeing anyone else. But, what if he says that he is? That will hurt….

M is very supportive, even when she is hundreds miles away. She asked me to live my life and don’t freak out, so I am trying not to do that.

At the moment I cannot eat, I cannot sleep, the butterflies in my stomach are killing me. The reasons I went home this morning was because I felt so nervous around him that I actually felt sick. I spent a whole day in bed, trying to calm my stomach down. And here goes my emotional stability I have achieved during the last 6 months…. I want it back! On the other hand it is nice to have him around.

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