When I was around 3 years old my grandma got sick. There was something wrong with her legs and she couldn’t walk. Suddenly, I stopped walking, too. My parents panicked. They took me from one doctor to the other, but they all said I was fine and didn’t know what was wrong with me. One day they took me to a different doctor, who asked about my family’s health. After finding out about my grandma he advised my mum to put Nivea cream on my legs every evening and tell me that it would help. It took 3 days for me to start walking again.
I was thinking about this the other day.
I have been reading a lot about being compassionate towards others and never thought I was a very compassionate person, but yesterday I realised that I was…I am, in fact, a little bit too compassionate and the above story just proves it.
I’ve always felt for people. When my best friend died a couple of years ago it took me 2 years to recover from the loss. I didn’t have any help from anyone and the reason why it took me so long was because I really felt sorry for my friend’s mum. Every time I thought of her I was in tears. That’s why whenever I went home to visit I spent whole days with her, because I felt so sorry for her.
This brings me to the situation I am in now.
I talked to my mum on skype. She cried the whole time. I feel so sorry for her, and the fact that she is an emotional, egocentric blackmailer makes me feel even worse. My sister is worried about my parents, too, but she is very realistic about it, very ‘what should we do to help’. I am emotional wreck at the moment. To not to think about my family I lay in my bed whole day and day dream about my future with HIM (which probably won’t happen any way). I can’t do much else. If I start planning my trip to India I feel guilty straight away that I am spending money on holiday while my parents are struggling.
I asked my mum if she wanted me, or my sister, to come over. She said no. She also refused to accept any money from us. Then she told me she was looking for work. She went to see her friend, who is a local politician to ask him if he could find her a job. I know she’s 57, but I think being employed will do her good, not only financially. When I told her that she said ‘I have no choice. I need to beg where ever I can’. Beg?? That’s how she calls it? She just refused to accept our help!
I thought I just fell one step lower on my sadness ladder.
Then, she told me that one of my aunts said to her that my mum had always been cold to her children, that she had never been too affectionate, that she didn’t have a job because she argued with people too much and got into conflicts. Well…this was spot on to me! My aunt probably shouldn’t have said all that, considering the situation, but I am sure she wanted to help. She is a great person. My mum feels hurt and offended and she was trying to make me say that all the things the aunt said were not true. I didn’t bend down. ‘One day I will write to you why I was not so affectionate to you’ she said to me. ‘I am sorry mum, but I don’t think I want to read all that’ I replied and finished the conversation.
At the moment my mum is not interested in my life at all. I don’t blame her that much, just a little. I would like her to ask me about HIM, and how I feel about HIM coming back. I would like her to ask me about my writing assignment in Bangkok, and talk to me about my future a little. But no, all she talks about is her psychological state. And if I start saying that life can be good, despite the difficulties, she gets angry and blames me for not being compassionate.
But, I am compassionate!! Ain’t I?
Oh, and I almost forgot. My mum filed for separation with my dad.
I saw my dad on Skype and he looks horrible….I know this is all his fault, but he does look like he is carrying the whole world on his back.
I feel sorry for him, too.
This all adds to my overall well being.
I am thinking now, maybe this is not compassion? Maybe it is called something else?
What do you think?
Are you a compassionate person? What is compassion according to you?
What do you think I should do to cope with this situation better?
P.S. I know this is suppose to be a blog about dating, men etc, but at the moment this is a priority in my life. A few things happened in my love life recently, so I will write about them later.