I saw the Pretty Boy yesterday, first time after 4 days. The meeting was from my own initiative. There’s this poem in Polish that goes something like: ‘When I don’t see you, I don’t cry, I don’t sigh, I don’t lose my mind, but when I don’t see you for a while I crave something. And in my mind I ask myself a question: is this friendship, or is this love?’ – of course it sounds much better in Polish. My translation is rubbish. Besides, I am not in love with the guy, but…I kind of like him. He likes me too, much more than I like him, I think.

I still don’t know what I actually feel for him. he doesn’t occupy my mind on a daily basis, but after a few days I start wondering what he’s doing. I like spending time with him, and talking to him, even though he has a very bad French accent, and it is hard sometimes to understand what he says (which makes me laugh), but he actually listens to me and is really, really attentive and nice.

Yesterday he told me that he had bought a spare helmet for me, because he knew he was going to drive me on his scooter. The helmet is pink with flowers. He knows that all my accessories for my scooter are very girlie, and that I like make fun of it.
When I put it on and said I don’t like helmets, cause I look like an idiot, he said I looked beautiful, which I didn’t know how to react to. It made me feel really awkward.

He also told me he liked me very much, which again I didn’t know what to say to and I only said ‘yeah, I know’. Awkward again!

We had sex yesterday and when we started I thought I wanted him to stop, because it was getting kind of boring. I know he likes to ‘make love’, but having sex like it’s a scene out of ‘Notebook’ is getting a little on my nerves. And when I was going to tell him to stop, he suddenly turned me over on my belly, pulled my hair back and…fucked me…Oh MY GOD! That was so great I get wet just thinking about it. So, I made sure that he knew how good that felt for me.

This morning he was kissing me all over before he left.

I am really confused by what I actually feel for this guy…

I am going to continue to see him, but I think it will never turn into a relationship. I am too confused and too unstable with my feelings at the moment.
On the other hand, why can’t I jsut fall in love with someone who is as great as the Pretty Boy? Why do I hold my emotions inside of me?