After I’d sent a link to my new post on my travel blog (which was in Polish and it doesn’t really happen to me that often that I write in my native language) to my mum I received the following email: ‘The post is great. You’re so talented. Nothing new here. It’s, as always, depressing.’ I rolled my eyes at this.
Situation with my parents hasn’t changed much, when it comes to their financial situation. They managed to sort it out with a lawyer and are paying off debts. I do understand that it is very hard for my mum to cope with that, and it is easier for me to just brush this whole thing off because I am so far away.
When I think about my mum I realise that I have never seen her truly happy. She’s a funny person, and has a great sense of humour, but has she ever been HAPPY? No, there was always something wrong.
My dad worked hard through out his whole career, and through most of it we did have money. My parents went for holiday once a year, my mum had nice clothes and went to hairdresser and for spa treatments at least once a week. My grandma helped them all the time. When my mother was away my grandparents were looking after the house and stayed with us. But, my mum was not happy.
She always came up with reasons why it should have been better and why her life sucked. There was never enough money, her house wasn’t clean enough, she didn’t have enough shoes, or the newest furniture.
She blamed my grandmother (and blames her till this day) that she didn’t move to Australia when she had a chance, because she felt guilty to leave my grandparents. My grandma might have had something to do with that, but I think it is only my mother’s fault that she didn’t go, and it is such a bullshit that she felt guilty. I know my mum well enough to believe that she was just too scared of the unknown, and she would have never taken the risk, even if my grandmother hadn’t been the obstacle here.
I spoke to my mum on Skype two weeks ago. I was really upbeat when I called her. I wanted her to know how happy I was, but all she was talking about was their problems (fair enough, the situation is overwhelming for her a little), and how my grandma, who lives with her, is making my mum even more depressed. Then she started saying how terrible the weather was, that it was windy and rainy, and grey. OH MY GOD! I get annoyed just thinking about it. First of all, she really should be happy that my grandmother at 92 is still healthy and kicking. She lives with my parents now, and helps my mum as much as possible. She cleans, does laundry, and the beautiful garden my mum is so proud of is only my grandmother’s achievement, no one else’s.
And the weather? Of course it is rainy and cold. They live on the Polish coast. But, look at this place! Just look at it!
Even if it’s cold you can wrap yourself up warm and go for a lovely walk! But does she do it? No, she sits at home, growing her already fat belly and smoking cigarettes!
And after she complained about everything and everyone she moved on to my life. She didn’t forget to mention that ‘I wasn’t young any more’, and that I don’t have a steady job, and I should find ‘my place in the world’, and that I might end up ‘on the streets, begging for food’. Her words, I swear.
Is it then a surprise that I am scared of everything in my life? Yes, I moved to Thailand and yes, I continue to do what I want, but that costs me so much nerves and energy. I sometimes can’t sleep at night because I am scared…Scared of everything. I am scared that I will have cancer, that I will lose my job and end up ‘on the streets, begging for food’, I am scared that something will happen to my parents and I will have to go back home and sort out their debts and other shit I don’t really want to deal with.
Is it a surprise at all?
I have a holiday coming up soon. I will have at least a month off. I did want to go to Poland to visit my parents, but after calculating the mental and financial costs of such a trip, I decided to stay in Asia and go to India instead.
It does make me feel guilty that I don’t want to go home and visit them…I mean, I do want to go, but I know that the trip will leave me exhausted mentally, and I am in a good place in my life now, and don’t really want to spoil that.
It is a complicated situation. I love my mum to bits. She’s my mother after all, but she just makes me depressed. Whenver I talk to her she makes me feel old. I look in the mirror, at the changes that started appearing on my face, and think that I am not 15 anymore, that I am in fact 34, and all those things my mum said to me recently are flooding into my head. I feel like a loser then…
But, then I think how unhappy my mum is. I could also blame her for some things that happened in my life, but I erase those thoughts as soon as they appear. I do not want to copy her mistakes. I do not want to be miserable, so I am looking for anything positive in everything that happens. And even if something happens to my parents, and I have to go back, I will try my best to find something good in that situation, too.
What is your mother like? Do you also have issues with her?
What do you do if you feel scared, or depressed?