On Saturday I decided to meet up with Fresh Meat. I sent him a message in the morning asking if he would want to hang out later. He called me back straight away. He was actually playing football, but he would like to see me later. He said he would call me back when he’s done.
I waited 5 hours for him to get in touch. Finally, he sent me a message in the afternoon informing me he was tired and he would take it easy. Nothing more. No ‘sorry’, no promised phone call, nothing…
That pissed me off. He made me wait whole day and then he finally didn’t even have guts to give me a call.
‘Can I ask you a question?’ I messaged back.
‘Yeah, sure. What’s up?’
‘I was wondering, do you still want to date me? Maybe you don’t and you don’t know how to say it’.
I read this really wise sentence on one of the blogs recently ‘when you feel like something’s off, then something’s off’. For the last week I was feeling exactly that. I just felt like he didn’t make enough effort, I felt like he just didn’t want to see me any more, and on Saturday I decided that it was time to confront him.
‘You know that there’s a lot of things going in my life at the moment’ he said ‘I just feel it is really hard for me to get into a romantic mind set’.
I rolled my eyes at this. He is 23, living in Thailand. I mean, this is the time of his life. But instead of enjoying it, he ponders about work and how bad Thai education system is, and that he feels terrible for students that they probably won’t learn anything. It’s a mistake that a lot of expat teachers make when they come to this country – they fight the system and get too stressed and burned out. And that’s the path the Fresh Meat is taking – a one to exhaustion and depression. This got me thinking if I actually want to have someone in my life, who over thinks everything and feels down most of the time, because he doesn’t know how to enjoy himself.
‘I understand’ I replied back ‘but you also know that I need more and want more from you. I promised I would be patient with you, but I don’t know if I can. I feel a little disrespected. If you are struggling then maybe there’s no place for me in your life. I really don’t want to force anything on you’.
‘Please I mean no disrespect. I enjoy hanging out with you, but I think you are right in that you need and deserve more than I can deliver at this time. And if it’s still possible for us to be friends, I’d enjoy seeing you again’ he said.
So, that was it. I said I would like to see him again, too and that if he ever feels like he’s ready to try again, we could do that.
After I felt relieved. Thinking of him and of what it’s going to happen with us took too much of my time and energy. He is nice and he is a good person, but I know that I need more attention from a guy.
Usually the rule is that if I lose sleep over thinking the situation, and I try too hard, not the guy I date, then it is better to break up, even if I like him a lot.
I do realise that I am needy and get attached quickly. I do know that quite a lot of men want to take things slowly and it is hard to be and to demand from them what I want, but I also know that once I meet a guy who wants to hang out with me a lot, he will not matter what. I got that from HIM and I am sure it is possible to repeat it. I just need to be patient. I am sure a guy like that will show up in my life again.
Just after we broke up I felt 100% better. I still feel anxious about my future and about what I’d with my life, but I feel less stressed. I also have more time for things I haven’t had time to do for the last month, like studying Thai.
I have been messaging a few OKC guys. I would like to go on dates, I seriously would. I am ready to date strangers, but I feel so lazy. It is nothing more than pure laziness, because I come back from work and I prefer to watch a movie, or read a book then dress nicely and spend a few hours figuring out how not to allow an uncomfortable silence to fall upon me and a this stranger I met a few days ago online.
Anyway, after I told M and BF how I had dealt with Fresh Meat and what I thought I needed from a person I date they told me I was a ‘tough chick’. I would have never thought of myself this way, but maybe they are right….