I met BF for dinner last night. I always find so good to talk to him about things. He is very understanding and usually has great solutions to problems.
I told him how I felt about not being close to my family, and that I felt guilty to be so far away from Mum.
‘Fuck guilt’ he said ‘the most important thing is what you want from your life’
‘It’s true, but isn’t it selfish? Shouldn’t I be closer to them and look after them?’ I almost cried.
‘Selfish is good in a way. You don’t have to be a bad person. Just be kind to them, talk to them, love them, but keep in mind that this is your life and you’re living it, not them. And get rid of that ‘should’. If you eliminate that ‘should’ from your sentence, what is left? Do you feel like you want to be with them and look after them, or do you feel like doing something else’.
I thought about it….I actually feel like I want to forget about the guilt, the responsibilities and live my life to the fullest.
From now on I will stop feeling guilty.
I went on that date last night. Oh god, it was heavy. I felt tired and not really motivated to keep up the conversation. He was nice enough, pretty good looking, French…but I was just not in the mood. I sometimes feel like it’s really hard for me to relate to people and keep up conversations. Normally, I am pretty easy going, but if I go out with someone, I need him to be the one who comes up with subject for discussion. I want him to be talkative and ask me questions and I don’t want to feel like it’s my thing to do.