I have been feeling really down recently. Today is a bit better, but yesterday was a tough one.

I seriously don’t know what is going on. It might be the weather. The mornings are freezing (yes, Thailand can be cold) and then afternoons are really warm, or it might be the nicotine (my smoking habit got worse, I think), or it might be the conversation I had had with my mum a day before yesterday.

Family affair

My mum has always made me feel guilty about the fact that I left straight after university. She says that she would never made me stay in Poland and that she always wanted me to live wherever I wanted, but from time to time she says things that make me feel bad that I left.

My sister went home for a month. She’s still there and is coming back next week. The first two weeks she spent at home were a bliss, but after that my mum threw a tantrum. It was about nothing really and I won’t get into any details. It was so bad, that my sister packed her things and went to visit her friends in another city.

So, I spoke to my mum a few days ago. She was complaining about Sis with that whining, terrible voice that reminds me of someone dying. She almost cried. I would have been compassionate and understanding if I hadn’t known what had happened between them and that it was totally Mum’s fault.

Then, she began to ask me when I was coming to visit. Despite all her faults I still miss her and I miss my family, but going back home to visit for a week or two will cost me a fortune and I don’t want to spend so much money. I tried to explain it to her, but she doesn’t seem to understand.

Then she called my grandma and I spoke to her on Skype. She is 91 now. She’s still healthy and lively, but I noticed how old she got, how her face changed since I last saw her and I couldn’t help, but think about her passing away and what would I do if she does and I’m still here.

Because Sis will be here for Christmas, my parents will be alone and that adds to my guilt.

I feel terrible that I’m so far away from them….

Going back to England? Yes or No

M and BF are moving to England in February/March. They have been talking about it a lot. BF and I exchange opinions on cities and the quality of living there, and it also made me miss the good, old UK a little. I miss the pubs and the cheese, I miss my beautiful friends. I even miss the weather sometimes. However, I know that going back will equal stress (looking for a job, looking for a flat, spending lots of money) and that I will hate the life there after just a few months.

The future is not that bright

I have no idea what to do next year. My contract with the school expires in March. I love my life here, even though I miss my family and Europe a little. For now, my sister is here and my friends are staying until April, but what then? I can’t imagine staying here without people I could hang out with during the weekends…What do I do with my future?

Fresh Meat needs to wise up

Fresh Meat added a little to my worries. I was beginning to get annoyed with him and with his lack of communication, but he finally messaged me last night. I think he plays that game of waiting 2 days in-between messaging each other, which is fine. I know he’s young and this is all new to him. I just hope he wises up a little soon.

I have a date tonight

I went on OKC again yesterday and got a few messages straight away. I kind of have a date tonight, which I am forcing myself into. I think this guy sounds nice. He asked me out last night. I read the message and thought I would think about it. When I woke up this morning I thought ‘Nah, I can’t do this…I’m too tired..’ but then thought that I need to get myself out there. I don’t think I could have a romantic relationship with this guy, but maybe I will gain a new friend. I need to be more open to meeting new people.

Going on OKC reminded me I need to delete the app from my phone…just in case FM wants to snoop around again.