THINGS THAT HAPPENED DURING THE WEEKEND
1. Period sex was a no-no
Fresh Meat came over on Friday. We were supposed to watch movies. We grabbed dinner and laid on my bed after we had chosen a couple of films. He said he was really tired but drove all the way to the city (he lives in the countryside, 30 min drive) to see me because he had missed me. I thought it was sweet.
So, he put his hand around me, kissed my forehead and looked at the screen of the laptop, slightly caressing my shoulder. And all I could think of during that time was SEX. I had thought about it whole week. I wanted it badly. Unfortunately, I got my period on that very day. I don’t care about having sex on my period in general. It is absolutely fine with me and I have done it multiple times before, but I knew he was inexperienced. Besides, I think it is fair to check with the guy first if he’s fine with period sex.
On top of that all, I feel really nervous when expressing to him how much sex I need. It feels like he doesn’t need as much and it makes me feel a little bad for some reason. It was always up to the man I dated to want sex and this time it seems like the roles changed.
Finally, I gathered my courage:
‘So, I thought we should have sex tonight’ I said
‘Sure’ he answered.
‘But there’s one, tiny thing…I got my period today and…I am fine with having sex during my period, but I am not sure how you feel about it’
He looked at me.
‘In that case I prefer not to’ he said.
‘Are you grossed out?’ I asked, feeling really disappointed.
‘No, not grossed out..Just prefer not to’
You can imagine my frustration. I had thought about him fucking me hard whole week….I wanted to stomp my feet and hit him in the head. I know that period freaks men out sometimes, and realise that he probably doesn’t know much about it, but why doesn’t he just ask me how it is. His answer disappointed me.
2. I decided I needed to be more careful with my phone apps
‘What’s your mobile password?’
Fresh Meat was sitting on the balcony, with my phone in his hand.
I told him the password before even thinking.
‘I’m sorry, why are you using my phone?’ I asked.
‘Oh sorry, didn’t even ask. I don’t have any credit and need to message M about something. Sorry, I should have asked’
I shrugged my shoulders and said it was fine. I went to the toilet and came back. He was still on the balcony with my phone in his hand. I sat down next to him and looked over his shoulder. He was looking at something that looked familiar, but for a few seconds I couldn’t say what it was.
‘I may be crossing some boundaries here’ he said ‘but I am just looking at your OKCupid profile’
At that moment alarm bells started ringing. I asked him why he was doing it. He said he had never seen online dating before and that he wanted to see it. I asked him if he was worried I used the app. He said he wasn’t.
As it turned out a bit later, he also went through my OKC messages.
Instead of being furious he was snooping around my phone, I laughed it off and told him I hadn’t gone online for a while and that I don’t actually use OKC any more.
Instead of being mad (and I had the right to be upset) I shrugged my shoulders and was ok with him invading my private space.
Then, I thought about it and decided that it wasn’t right, but how do I tell him that I am mad now and wasn’t before without looking like an emotionally unstable person?
3. Scavenger hunt
My friend organised a scavenger hunt on Saturday. Over 70 people participated.
I was looking forward to playing, mostly because I was teamed up with Fresh Meat. Spending a whole day with him, driving around Chiang Mai on a scooter sounded really appealing.
But, on the day neither me or him were feeling it, so we went around, did around 10 of the tasks and spent the rest of the day eating and drinking. It would have been nice, but I started to think that we might not have a connection. I am paranoid recently about that ‘connection’ thing. I want it with a guy so badly. I want that back, I want the same what I had with HIM and I don’t seem to find it anywhere. I might want it too badly and think about it too much, putting an invisible pressure on FM and myself.
The day finished at one of the bars, where we had a couple of drinks and the winners collected their prizes.
After that the plan was that Fresh Meat was going to my place and we were going to drive to his place the next morning.
He didn’t feel so well the whole day, so I told him it was fine for him to go home.
‘Yeah, I’ll do that’ he said ‘I’m really sorry, but I just feel sick. What are you doing tomorrow?’ he asked.
‘Nothing…’ I answered and looked at him ‘You?’
‘Well, I need to finish off the lesson plans and mid term exams’ he said.
Wait a minute! Weren’t we supposed to spend a day together at his place?
But I stayed silent.
He wanted to be alone, I get it now. I realise he needs space…but I just don’t like when a guy comes up with bad excuses. HE always told me when he needed time for himself and that suited me fine. Lesson plans and mid terms my ass!
I know that I might be overanalyzing things at the moment, but it just felt like he was trying to escape me and avoid my company.
To be fair, he did come over on Friday even though he was really tired, and he spent a whole day with me on Saturday. Maybe I just want Fresh Meat to be HIM too much. I know HE would not have any excuses, he loved my company too much.
4. I found out that the spanking was ON
While he was kissing me good bye, he caressed my breast a little and that got me really, really excited.
‘You know that kinky stuff we talked about the other day?’ I asked.
‘Well, I would really like that’
He looked at me seriously, kissed me and said ‘Shit, Divorce and Single, you are killing me here’ I laughed ‘I will bring my whip next time’ he shouted while driving away.
That sounds promising.
WHY I AM CONFUSED
1. The lack of communication
I still don’t know what I want from this. I think it wouldn’t bother me that much if he was more open. Because in a way I see that he wants to have the emotional connection and that he’s a sweet, sensitive man. When we’re together he is really trying to give me what I need in terms of affection, and I like that and appreciate it, but I need more texts, more messages, I need to know that he thinks of me when we don’t see each other.
I know some men are not very good at communicating, but this is what I need and want when I date someone. Is it silly? AM I SILLY?
2. I don’t want to be a weekend girlfriend
I want to see him more than just during the weekend. I want him to want to see me, too. I know he is stressed with work and he doesn’t feel like doing much after school, but I do want to see him at least once during the week. I want him to crave my company and think of seeing me as a cure for his stress….
At the moment he dictates when we meet. It is mostly because of his school. His job sucks and he’s stressed and when that happens he doesn’t want to go out or see people. But, I do want to be able to see him and say ‘hey, let’s meet today and watch a movie’ without knowing that he will probably reject the offer.
I am asking for too much, right?
3. I feel horny all the time and he doesn’t
I have always related to men through sex. I know what they want and I want that, too. I like to feel desired. FM doesn’t seem to want sex as much as I do. It worries me and confuses me. I don’t know how to get through to him without seducing him. It is all very new to me and scares me a little.
4. Do I actually want a relationship?
On the other hand – I don’t know if I want to commit myself to him just yet. I am not seeing anyone else and might not be, but I don’t know if this relationship would last long. He is much younger than me. How would I admit that to my family and friends? They would think I’ve gone mad.
And also, I am pretty sure that as soon as HE’s back, I would ditch Fresh Meat the minute HE gets off the plane.
So, what do I actually want here? Can you see why I’m confused?