We didn’t go camping. Fresh Meat hit a pedestrian and the day turned into shit…long story…
Anyway, M, her BF and I went out last night. After drinking a couple BF started to question me about Fresh Meat. So I told him exactly what I had written here before: that I feel like he does not care enough, that I like him but I will not chase after him, that I want to get to know him better, but I feel like he built a wall around him and I can’t get through that.
‘Maybe he feels the same?’ BF said ‘Maybe he’s afraid that you will treat him like a toy? Besides, why don’t you talk to him and tell him what you just told me?’
Good question: why don’t I? Because I have always be a coward and talking about my feelings has always been hard for me. When I open myself up to other people I feel naked and stupid. I am afraid of rejection and of being laughed at. I have no idea where it came from. My parents were always pretty affectionate, so where does my fear come from?
The conversation then turned to my sister. ‘Do you know?’ I said ‘I have never said to her I loved her…never.’
‘What?!’ BF was a little shocked ‘How come? That’s just terrible. Take your phone and text her’
I tried to say no. My sister knows I love her, but when BF gets something into his head then there’s no way you can say no.
So I did text her.
How do I feel about it? I felt pretty good yesterday, but today when I think about it, I just cringe….I think I have some serious issues.