Do you know that what you feel during a break up comes from the same area of your brain as the pain you experience during a toothache? In fact, your brain behaves exactly in the same way. At least that’s what I heard on one of the TED podcasts.
And I must admit, that this is what I felt just after he left – an almost physical pain, that sinking, agonizing feeling in my stomach, unwillingness to get up in the morning. I felt like this before, after my divorce, but then I had my friends around me and I was closer to my family. I also felt similar (although on much grander scale) after my best friend died. Chris is still alive and well and I am in a country I love with all my heart, but I will never be home here (as much as I would like to), so the attachment to the other human being is much greater in such circumstances and the split up is much more painful.
With every day I feel a tiny bit better.
But Saturday was horrible. My wi-fi was down, my kindle was out of battery and I didn’t want to go out because everything reminded me of him (a note to myself: do not take your new boyfriend to your favourite hang outs unless you are sure you have future together). So, I laid in my bed whole day, staring at the ceiling. I could have called someone, but I felt like I couldn’t even make an effort to make a conversation. I chained smoked a pack of cigarettes until my head started hurting and I exchanged a million photos and silly messages with Chris (definitely a highlight of my day).
On Sunday I woke up and decided that that was it, and I made a physical and emotional effort to go to the gym. Let me tell you, running for 30 minutes after chain smoking a pack of cigarettes is NOT a great idea. Anyway, I got back home and laid down in my bed again. I was tempted to stay there for another day. That sinking feeling in my stomach setting in again. I looked at my flat that I hadn’t cleaned for 2 weeks (too busy to hang out with Chris). My dirty clothes were everywhere – on the cupboard, on my only chair, on the desk, even on my bed that I was lying in (I must have slept on them), there was a bottle of wine that I had emptied a few days before, there were empty packs of cigarettes, dirty dishes…everything mixed together on every empty space of my room. My bathroom wasn’t better…I won’t even go there cause I’m kind of ashamed. I almost laughed at how terrible the flat looked like. Then I got up and started cleaning. I took a shower, made myself breakfast (I actually MADE it – bread, eggs and all that jazz. First home made meal in ages!) and called my sister. ‘I need you’ I said ‘Can we go for coffee’. She happily agreed. Yes, ‘siblings is the richest harvest you can collect in this life’ (TED talk again).
We had a coffee and a chat – not about Chris, but about how much we love our lives in Chiang Mai, and how happy we are. We made plans for future and laughed when I commented on the cute Thai guy, working in the coffee shop. We then went for a walk around the Sunday market.
I came back home full of hope and optimism and when Chris messaged me I went all gooey for a minute or two. That unfortunate bed looked so inviting, but I didn’t give up and found a 30 days yoga challenge, which I am going to follow. I meditated (I haven’t done that for ages) and went to bed, not even reading his last message.
I must say, this whole thing is like a second divorce to me and I struggle to function normally, but I am determined to make it through this and start feeling like myself again. I just need to remember – one day at a time, one day at a time….