It’s been almost a year since my divorce (how time flies).
Straight after the X and I said good bye, I threw myself into arms of different men. I had one night stands, flings and I dated. Any other woman would just have fun, but I was inexperienced and really didn’t know how to cope with my emotions, didn’t have a clue about the dating world and how things work. It was a shock to me that you can actually sleep with someone and not be in a relationship with them. It took me a while to understand what ‘casual relationship’ means. I still find it hard to cope with modern idea of dating, but my recent ‘adventure’ proved that I am somewhat maturing and growing, and the previous experiences taught me a lot about men and myself.
I suddenly saw the pattern – I am clingy and have a low self-esteem, I need people around me to feel needed, it’s hard for me to be alone. If I can’t get much love from my friends, I need to get it from somewhere else, I don’t know what to do with myself if I don’t have a man in my life. I feel worthless and insecure most of the time. Finally, after reading some psycho-analysis of women like me, I figured out that all this might be coming from the fact that my dad wasn’t around when I was little and some other things, which I won’t go into now.
I started to fight my insecurities a 2 months ago, before I met Chris on OKC. I spent a lot of time with myself and if I felt down and sad I was looking for a reason why I felt that way. Then I met him.
At the beginning he didn’t hide the fact that all he wanted was to drag me into bed with him. He behaved in a charming way, but there was something fake about him, and I decided that as much as his behaviour was putting me off, I really wanted him to be my friend. I loved his sense of humour and thought he would be a great addition to my small circle of friends. So, I told him something like ‘you are a very nice guy, but me and you ain’t gonna happen. Do you want to be my friend?’ and suddenly he changed from a man, who just wanted to shag me to a very nice boy, with whom I spent a lot of time with and had fun. We drove scooters to the lake, we made night trips to the look out points, where you could see the whole of Chiang Mai, we partied, watched movies together. It was great. And I began to like him…But before I completely fell for him, I decided that this time I won’t spend all my energy on waiting for his calls, and I won’t be relying on him to invite me on a date. I will just continue to do what I had been doing and put myself first.
So, I made plans to go out with my friends to bars, with my sister to dinners, I went to the gym, I made sure I spent time with myself. And when he asked me if I wanted to go out I said I already had plans, but we could meet the next day. And what happened? He messaged me every single day and we chatted for hours, he made sure we saw each other on a regular basis. When he finally kissed me I still wasn’t sure if I wanted to sleep with him, so I was openly honest with him about it. This made him chase me even more. He was the sweetest guy you could imagine. We ended up spending every free moment together. And before I knew it, I was in his bed…and I did it because I wanted to, not because I thought he would like me more if I do it.
Our relationship was intense, but in a good way. I enjoyed myself a lot. There was no place for any other man in my life, and no other woman in his (which he admitted many times). He did the sweetest things for me. Once, during some really heavy rain, he drove 20 minutes to town to bring me a hot dog and a beer, because that was what I craved after watching some bad American movies. He fixed my computer, he got me a breakfast in bed, he picked me up from school. I was in heaven.
This story has a bitter-sweet ending. He had to go back to Germany because of his visa and financial issues. The last week has been really hard for me. I didn’t even feel that sad after I left the Kid in London. I am trying to be strong, but part of me wants to roll in a ball and cry for days. I feel like someone died. He is planning to come back in February, but until that time we both might move on in our lives. I miss him like crazy….Of course, I am still insecure to tell him this and I struggle to be as laid back as possible, so he doesn’t know exactly how I feel about him. Before he left I had rehearsed in my head what I was going to say to him, but of course nothing came out of my mouth, when the time was right.
After watching the TED talk by Brene Brown, which my Lovely Friend had recommended, and then listening to some of her podcasts, I know that I’m just afraid of being vanurable, but this is something that is hard for me to skip.
Now we message each other, but there’s no mention of how we feel. It’s just silly stuff and lots of photos. Nothing else. I want him to know how I feel, but I am holding myself back with the sentimental part as I know some men get scared of too much emotions. Besides, I am trying to figure out what I actually feel for him. Is it love, or is just an attachment? How will I feel about him in a month or two?
So what are the things I learned about men?
1. Make friends first. Try to get to know them and fall for their personality as much as for their appearance. Good looks are not that important.
2. Make sure you actually want to kiss them and sleep with them only if you feel it is right to do so. Sex can always wait.
3. Have your own life. Don’t wait for them to invite you to a date, or organise your time. Your friends and family have a priority.
4. Don’t get too excited at the beginning. Sit back,relax and let them chase you. If they like you, they will do a lot to spend time with you.
5. Explore your feelings for them. Is it only physical, or is there something more?
I really do hope I will remember all those things when a next man comes along….
Chris left me with a broken heart, even though there was no actual break up. That’s why I decided to get some rest from dating and explore my own life, character and feelings. It is going to be hard (it already is) as I feel like I am addicted to affection and having a man in my life. I am taking one day at a time, and one month at a time. In October I will sit back and evaluate again what I have learned.