When I meet men that I like I stop being myself. I get excited and nervous and feel like my whole body is uptight. I stop acting naturally, I stop eating, I stop sleeping, I get clingy. I am sure because of that all the men I liked ran away.

With the Polish guy it was a little different. When I first saw him I thought he looked like a typical Polish bloke (=not very attractive). During the first few seconds I decided to have one drink and go home. After first 15 min of conversation I thought he could be my friend. After 30 min I started wondering if I could sleep with him. After an hour I wanted to snog him and drag him to bed with me (yesterday he admitted that he had known that I liked him on our first date because I was staring at his lips quite often).

Normally, if I am not attracted to someone physically, I can only be friends with that person, I can’t make myself to kiss them. I do need to have sexual tension straight away. So, I was pretty surprised when I found myself sitting in a pub with a guy that I didn’t like physically, fantasising about having sex with him. We clicked straight away. It was a wonderful thing since I really hadn’t met a guy like that for a while now.

On top of that I felt very comfortable with him. I felt like I had known him for ages and could talk to him about everything. I didn’t have to pretend that I am someone I am not. I just had a great time.

We wrote to each other whole day yesterday and ended up spending another evening together. Then there was sex…sober, this time, and surprisingly the noises I thought he had made the night before weren’t that bad. I think I had been really drunk.

Sex was great. I can’t really remember when someone paid so much attention to my body. He touched me and looked at me like it was the first time for him. He admired my body and paid me compliments all the time. He said that to him giving pleasure is more important than receiving it and I really didn’t have to do much there. He made me cum so many times that at the end of the night I was totally exhausted.

He left in the morning today for the south, where he is doing a diving course. ‘If I had known that you are such a great person’ he said ‘and that I would meet you, I would have planned to stay in Chiang Mai for longer’. We said good bye…Yesterday I was thinking about him leaving and I was sure that it won’t bother me too much. But the more time passes, the more I realise that I might not see him again and it makes me really sad. He was actually pretty special. We didn’t cheat each other and made no promises. I am of course analyzing, as I always do, and hoping a little that something will change and we end up in some semi long-distance relationship, which is not really possible (besides, do I actually want that? hmmm….nah!).

The good thing which came out of the whole experience was the fact that knowing him made me realise what I want from my men, and that the looks are not everything, that if you give someone a chance their personality might be sexier than you think.
I need to stop being so shallow.

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