I have a problem with alcohol. Not a big one, but I think it exists. During the week I am busy with school, gym and other activities. I am taking Thai lessons and study hard, so I can have a conversation with this cute Thai PE teacher that works at my school. 

Last week I was really proud of myself for being productive and good to myself. I decided to keep it up. And I would probably have if it hadn’t been for the weekend, which I am beating myself about today. 

At the end of busy and stressful week I felt a great urge to have sex, so I called the School Crush. I suggested I would come to his place, but he wanted to go to dinner. So we went…After that he wanted to get a massage. I almost rolled my eyes. I really wanted to have sex and then go home, but he insisted on getting massages. So we went… and then he dragged me to a local bar, where we had a couple of beers. Finally, he ended up sleeping at my place and stayed for the whole night. I woke up hangovered, but felt ok for the rest of the day. 

In the evening the School Crush and I drove to our friend’s place for a barbecue, 40 minutes outside of Chiang Mai. During the several hours I had a glass of rice whiskey, a glass of wine, 3 beers, 3 glasses of Hong Tong (local rum) and thousands of cigarettes. The School Crush got even worse than me. We were both pretty intoxicated. But that’s not all.

We were on our way back when we got a great idea to go drinking to a pub in the centre of the city. I had 2 beers, or 3. I don’t remember exactly….We stayed in the pub for 3 hours, talking to a nice older gentleman. Then we had another great idea that instead of pushing my bike back home, I will drive us. When I am drunk it doesn’t take long to convenience me that the most stupid idea is the greatest one. 2 beers might not be much for some, but I felt pretty light headed. It was fine at the beginning, but the longer I drove the more drunk I felt. I kept thinking ‘this is not good, this is not good’…. Luckily we didn’t crash. Well, we didn’t crash per se…We stopped at a traffic lights on a little hill and when I started moving I couldn’t keep my balance, so the School Crush fell off the bike. Because we were pretty much stationery nothing happened to either me or him. I know it is silly and immature, but I still laugh when I remember him laying on a sidewalk, with a screwed helmet and red, embarrassed face, trying to get up.

 

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A few minutes later I hit a curb with the side of my bike and scratched his foot a little. Still don’t know how it happened. Well, we got home at the end.

But that is not all. I left my bike at home and we went to look for another place to drink more. Because it was Sunday and they don’t sell alcohol until 5 pm, bars were closed. Finally, we got to this fancy hotel, where a beer was 140 baht (normally it costs 65), so we had a couple of beers and some whiskey. We ended up chatting to some rich Australians, who probably hated us for talking absolute rubbish. At the end (and this is what I feel guilty about) we left without paying. We just walked off because the waitresses were too busy to give us the bill. I have done this once or twice before, but this time I feel a little bad. 

At the end of the night we went to a local bar, where we had another 3 beers. I came back home at 11 and today pulled a sickie. I just couldn’t face work after all that. My first sickie in Thailand!

I woke up with a great feeling of guilt. I just have an impression that my life is slipping away from me. I just don’t enjoy being drunk anymore, but on the other hand once I start, I can’t stop. I do believe I have a problem. 

I wish I could have enough strength in me to say no to nights out and drinking. I wish I could have someone in my life that could influence me in a good way. I just feel like I need that other person (and I am not saying that it needs to be a man) to stop me from going down. 

Hanging out with the School Crush doesn’t help me. We are both party animals and influence one another in a bad way. He is the one, who said that he can’t date me because we would drink all the time, and he wants to stop partying. And he is the one, who had a great idea of drinking whole day. 

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There is no sexual tension between us anymore. We sleep together and make out when we’re drunk, but there’s nothing there. We see each other on the weekend and don’t contact one another during the week. He used to ask me out all the time, now it is just weekend friendship. I’m not sure what happened. I miss having that tension with him. It was so exciting. Now only friendship left, I think. On the other hand, maybe that’s better. Maybe it’s better to be emotionally detached from someone who, just as me, has a problem with alcohol.

He seems to be detaching himself from me, too. He doesn’t kiss me out of a blue anymore. He is not affectionate and he always tries to get away gently whenever I show a little bit of feelings for him. 

I think we should stop seeing each other, which would be close to impossible as we have the same circle of friends. Maybe I should do the same as I did with the Frenchie. The best ideas come when you are hangovered and feel guilty about your life. 

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I just want to do something good with my life. I want to stop smoking (I became addicted), I want to read more, listen to good, new music, exercise more, have more motivation. I know myself enough to realise that I can do all these things for a few days and then go downhill during the weekend. I just can’t do it in a long term. I’m such a weak person…

Well, these are my thoughts for today. I am sure I will be better tomorrow tho. 

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