I started work this week. During the whole time I felt not only exhausted, but anxious and stressed. It is definitely due to the starting of new job and all the changes that came with it.

At school I am the only foreigner.  Thais are really nice and try to make me feel at home, but I still feel lonely. I haven’t started teaching yet. The whole week I spent preparing lesson plans and registers. I am excited about my new job, but I still have those feelings I had had before I left. Anxiety doesn’t allow me to sleep and function properly. When I don’t sleep, I feel irritated and I don’t want to hang out with people. This also affects my relationship with my friends.

M, who has become my best friend since we started the TEFL course has been annoying me. I am starting to feel that I can’t trust her with anything. I have been ignoring her messages for days, haven’t seen her in a while, which is strange considering the fact that we usually see each other all the time…It must be the insomnia, but I realised recently that her egocentric personality is starting to annoy me big time.

The School Crush invited us for dinner a few days back. I agreed with M that she would leave earlier, so I can be alone with him.

When the dinner was finished and I saw M was getting to leave, I went outside for a cigarette. She said she was going and asked if I was going, too. I looked at her in what I thought was  a meaningful way and said that I would smoke and then go. ‘Oh, ok. I’ll wait then’ she said and stood at the door. I told her not to worry and drive back and that I would catch up with her soon. ‘I don’t drive that slowly, you know’ she laughed. She then lingered in the door for a bit and finally left. What the hell?

I didn’t speak to her about it, but it was a bit strange.

School Crush annoys me to for some reason. I don’t know what it is…Insomnia? Stressful week? He texted me yesterday if I wanted to hang out and I made an excuse of not to go anywhere with him. I still fancy him, but when I think of meeting up with him, I just feel a wave of tiredness.

I also realised that I don’t really want him to be my ‘boyfriend’. I don’t want to spend every minute with him and confess my sins to him, but I don’t want him to fuck other people while he sleeps with me at the same time. Is that a relationship? Cause I’m lost with all these ‘dating terms’.

 

And to finish off the story – when M left I stayed with him for a little bit. We chatted…He stayed away from me. Then when I was leaving he hugged me and gave me a really nice kiss. As far as I know him, I think he is just trying to respect my wishes and not trying to drag me to bed again.

‘You remember what I said the other day about us dating?’ I asked before I left ‘Well, I take that back…’ 

I actually don’t know what I want. 

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