If I got $1 for every time people ask me what I want to do with my life, after I start teaching, I’d be a millionaire. I’m trying to be laid back with my answer. I shrug my shoulders, laugh and say ‘Fuck knows’, but under all this there is a very insecure, scared and worried girl, who panics every time people ask her the question.
It is true, I have no idea what I’m going to do. It’s the first time in my life that I don’t have a plan. I know I’ll stay in Chiang Mai, finish my course and maybe (just maybe) start teaching. And then what? I can’t stay in Thailand forever, I can’t be a teacher for 30,000 Baht a month and live in a rented apartment. I can’t be a farang in Thailand forever.
There’s also the start of 2014. Everyone is making some kind of resolutions. Everyone seems to have an action plan. There are a couple of things I want to do this year, like go to Cambodia and work on myself more, but these are just vague ideas. It’s like I want to do it, but I’m not sure if I can, I’m afraid to make decisions…
I want to pray, but I don’t think I have enough faith.
I want to meditate, but I don’t think my brain is strong enough.
I want to figure out what to do for a living, but I’m sure that I don’t have enough will power and motivation to actually follow my dreams.
There are too many buts, not enough wills.
I went to a temple today. I sat quietly for 5 minutes, not doing anything. I prayed a little, meditated a little, but I still don’t feel like I’m a whole person. I don’t think I’m genuine enough in what I do.
Does anyone understand what I’m trying to say, cause I’m lost….
I arrived in Chiang Mai today. I went around town, went to a market, bought some clothes. I was walking the streets, thinking ‘this is my town now’ – it felt strange as I feel like I don’t have a home anyway.
The Turk is here by the way. I’m meeting him tonight to go to a bazaar – his idea. I’ve put myself in a mindset that this is just casual, and nothing will happen. It actually felt good. I even made some filthy jokes with him over the phone and it made me chuckle. It feels liberating, which doesn’t mean that he is not an asshole.
He told me that he feels unhappy and not relaxed. I advised him to stop being a dick and maybe he will be happier then.
He also said that he doesn’t think he’s handsome. I didn’t correct him there. Let him have low self – esteem, which actually feels so much better, knowing all that. Whenever we meet and he compliments me on something I say ‘thank you’ and add ‘of course, I look nice. I always do.’ He doesn’t need to know that I think I’m not that pretty and my self-confidence is probably much lower than his. Oh games, games, games….
Anyway, I’ll update you on what filthinness we got up to tonight…