The X and I have been exchanging emails for the last two days. 

It started from me asking him for help to get my money from my dad (long story, not worth writing). Anyway, it started from there and we ended up exchanging angry emails. 

He accused me of being unreasonable and said I should have waited with leaving until I got my finances in order. True, maybe I should have, but I really wanted to get out of London.

I said he hurt me so badly that it’s hard for me to trust other men now. He said he doesn’t give a fuck about other men and that he is, and always has been, himself and he has never refused to help me out when I asked for it. 

He also said that I lived in a bubble when we were together and, when it’s suddenly over, I don’t know what to do. I think he believes that I can’t look after myself and that I need someone else to help me out in life. 

He seems to be proud of the decision he made because he doesn’t know ‘what psychological state we would have been in if we’d stayed together for a little longer’.

The X has a huge ego. He doesn’t get the fact that it wasn’t the decision he made that destroyed me, but the way he did it. How can you live with someone for so many years and don’t talk to that person about your feelings. How can you fool them that everything’s fine and expect them to guess that maybe there’s actually something wrong. How can you go to counselling behind your partner’s back, and for months not say anything? How can you send them off on a journey of their lifetime, email them and skype them and say you love them during the whole time? 

Doesn’t he see it? Doesn’t he see what he’s done to me?

I’m so angry. I want to cry…

There are days when I miss him. I watch the people I live with currently and think that I could have this family home and supportive husband and a warm feeling in my heart. I could have some savings and put it away for my retirement. I miss the X then. I miss what we created and what I lost. 

But then he sends me an email like this and I see what kind of a selfish person he is. 

And I want to show him that I can be alone, that I can sort myself out, that I am a strong and beautiful person. I need to work on myself because, when the time comes, and I go back to the UK, I want to look great and feel even better. I want to be fulfilled and I want to be on a path to doing something great in my life. 

I will show him who’s stronger!