I left Melbourne yesterday and reached Sydney in the late afternoon. I’m staying with my mum’s friends, who turned out to be lovely, beautiful people.
Sydney is stunning. It took my breath away the first time I saw it from the car. I couldn’t have imagined more extraordinary place. The Opera House is one of the most beautiful buildings I have ever seen.
The beaches here are small, but with white sand and blue water. The waves are high and strike the cliffs and rocks around, creating a lovely mist in the air.
I love Australia.
I still don’t know what I am doing with my life. I am still stressing and getting anxious. I feel like I’m drifting on open waters and don’t know which way to go. I am in need of someone, who could help me to get somewhere. I am beginning to understand that all the drama with men I have been through recently came from that neediness and the fright I am alone and there is no one in this world, who can make certain decisions for me. I am responsible for myself now. I need to brave the world and finally grow up. It is scary, frightening, almost overwhelming. Sometimes I just want to stay in bed for the rest of my life, or I just want to stop thinking all together.
At the moment, my main concern is money. I have savings and I am pretty sure that it will last me, but I keep worrying. On top of that there are all the what ifs…what if my parents get sick? what if I get sick? what if I get robbed? what if I never find a partner again? what if I won’t have my own place? what if I won’t settle down and will float around my whole life? what if…what if??
I am tired. I want to enjoy life and my adventure, but my mind goes in the opposite direction.
Is there a way to get out of this mess? Maybe I should try meditation again….
A postcard from Oz:
This thinking is slowly killing me…I think I have changed. I can feel it. I am no longer careless like I used to be. I’m becoming a serious adult and I don’t want to be one. How do I stop this process?