My X was a huge part of my life for the last 10 years. We spent so much time together, shared the same jokes, enjoyed our company. It was great for the most part.

He left me because he thought he didn’t love me anymore. A few days ago I got an email from him saying that ‘this wasn’t supposed to look like that’. I asked him what he meant, and he said that by breaking up with me he thought he would be happy, and now he realises that he misses me and my company, and that he feels lonely. He also mentioned that he didn’t want me to go anywhere, because he feels like he loses me forever. 

He should have thought about this when he was breaking up with me. 

I ignored the email. I don’t know what to say… I feel lonely and miss having a companion. Having sex and cuddles with the Kid is great, but there is lack of that ‘sharing everything’ bit. I might not be ready for that yet, but I know that I want it in my life. 

Complicated isn’t it?

I met the X last Saturday for lunch. We had a chat, a drink…it was nice. But I really wanted to get out of there, and he didn’t want to let me go. He asked me to stay longer. ‘Have another drink’ – he said. Finally, after 3 hours I got out. 

I couldn’t look at him. His clothes, his new hairstyle, his manner – I found it irritating. ‘Do you like my hair?’ he asked when I got into his car. ‘No’ I said quickly. I hated it, in fact. 

After the break up I got over him really quickly. Maybe because I just got back from an amazing holiday where I’d had a little fling with AZ, or maybe I I just simply didn’t love the X any more. 

He said later that he’d expected me to beg him to stay and that it would have probably worked. Ha! I will never EVER beg a man to stay. It’s pathetic and I know that it just doesn’t work. If someone doesn’t love you, they just won’t stay – PERIOD. Maybe if I had begged we would be together now, working on our relationship. But then would I ever have fallen in love with a young man, who made me believe that man are quite alright (well, some are), would I ever have gone to Australia, would I ever have liked London? The answer is NO. I would have been a wife, maybe a mother, with a mortgage, and a husband, who spends all his time at work. I would have been worried if he still loves me and the thought would have eventually exhausted me emotionally. 

I don’t want that. I prefer to be unhappy alone, then unhappy with someone else.