Do you know that I’m leaving the UK in 2 weeks? That’s right. I’m leaving the rainy London for sun and beach in Australasia. How long will I be gone? I don’t know…I might come back in 3 months, I might stay there forever.
After my divorce I made the decision of going away. I was over-excited when I bought my one way ticket. I waited for this moment for so long. I imagined myself an independent, young single divorcee with a backpack wandering the streets of Bangkok…Today, I’m in a different place. I like my London life, I feel more like myself, I love my friends, who turned out to be supportive and caring – the best friends one can have.
I’m packing my life slowly, with sadness…Yesterday I cried because I sold a coffee table. A coffee table!!! that’s not even a fucking person!
Everyone says that I’ll be fine, that I can always come back.
The whole trip and the preparation are taking its toll on me. I wake up at 2am thinking what will happen to me? Isn’t it better to have a stable job and just spend your money on holiday 2 times a year? Maybe it’s better to save every month? It is possible to work in a job you don’t like, but still be somewhat happy…
I worry…I worry about the money, about my life, about my parents, my friends, my future. I can’t eat, I can’t think straight and I can’t focus on anything. The only really relaxing time I have is when I’m with the Kid in my bed cuddling. It is then that I don’t think too much.
I had a small party on Saturday and saw my best friend. She said I didn’t look well. I looked in the mirror and had to agree with her. My insomnia created huge, dark circles under my eyes and I have spots like a teenager. Today I almost fainted on my way to work. I decided that I could do something for myself and I bought a whole supply of fruit and vegetable. I will even make myself a dinner tonight (the Kid would be proud. He always says that it’s not healthy I don’t eat and that it’s not surprise that I have problems with sleeping). I will try (TRY!) and quit smoking as from today.
Of course I’m over-analyzing the Kid situation. He says I think too much and he’s right. I drive myself mad.
I finally managed to have a little chat with him, after the ‘exercise comment’. It went something like that:
Me: Kid, you’re not treating me as your exercise, are you?
Me: Oh, you know…I was just wondering…after the last conversation we had…
Him: God, no! what? How could even think that?
Me: Well, I don’t know. You treat me so casually and I thought that maybe…
Him: I think you know me better than that. Were you upset about it?
Me: Well, yes…
Him: Why didn’t you say anything?
Me: I was upset and didn’t want to say anything in anger, so I waited a couple of days.
Silence, silence, silence…
Him: I can’t believe you actually thought I would say something like that!
Me: I’m sorry…..I really like you…
Him: You like me despite the fact you think I’m a dick?
So now I am scared he wouldn’t want to see me again. He already knows I think about the whole thing too much and needs to watch what he says.
It still hard for me to understand why he dates me. He knows I’m leaving, it is not only about sex, but he never says anything too affectionate to me…What is it about then? Ugh I’m over-thinking again!