I woke up today with a slight depression. I couldn’t get up. Opening my eyes was a struggle in itself.
I’m sitting at work, trying to do something productive, but nothing works and everything annoys me.
I spent a whole weekend with the Kid. We went out for dinner, went for a walk, had a pizza at home while watching a film, and had lots of hot sex. He even made me breakfast! It was nice…sort of ‘relationshipy’ nice, which isn’t that great to me. We were sitting on my sofa, eating pizza and I was thinking how it resembled my life with the X. It freaked me out!
I’m trying hard to put my thoughts in order at the moment, thinking what I actually want and how I feel.
The Kid is great. He’s funny, intelligent, opinionated, but also really laid back and relaxed about most things.
However, I have quite a low self esteem in general and that doesn’t allow me to be myself when I’m with him. First of all, it’s my English – it’s my second language and I always feel really conscious about how I talk and what mistakes I make. With writing is a little different. You can always correct stuff and blogging is anonymous anyway.
Then there’s my body image. I’m far from big or fat, but I’m not skinny. I have a bit of a butt and wide hips. I hate my stomach, which is not that toned anymore. I keep thinking if he felt disappointed when he took my clothes off. Does he see my thighs, or my stomach, and think ‘shit! What the fuck is this? I think I prefer a woman that is 10 years younger!’. His body is so perfect is actually unreal…He’s into sports and is so fit. Maybe he doesn’t want a girl who parties all the time and indulges in pizza, alcohol and cigarettes.
And does he think I’m boring? I sometimes think I am…
When he kisses me it seems like nothing else matters, but sometimes he pulls back. I want to keep touching him, and it seems like it’s not the case with him. One minute he kisses me with a passion and a few moments after he walks next to me, completely oblivious to the fact that I’m next to him and want to shout: ‘Kid! for fuck sake! Can you just hold my hand at least?’ So, I reach out and grab his hand. Sometimes he looks at me like he wants to eat me, and then he’s cold as ice. What the fuck is that all about?
And there’s this unfortunate texting. Shouldn’t a person, who likes you text you almost everyday? I don’t expect phone calls as I hate talking on the phone, but getting a text in the morning or evening would be nice. We finish a date and then he texts me once a week to set up another date. Waiting for him to contact me drives me mad. He definitely texts me less than before, which makes me think that I might be giving out too much and he just might be getting bored with me. The chase is over for him to put it frankly.
I have thousands questions in my head: what does he think of me? what does he think of us dating? is he thinking of what’s going to happen in a few weeks? why doesn’t he contact me more? does he actually enjoy my company, or is it just sex and nothing else? does he have butterflies in his stomach, when he thinks of me? does he want me to meet his friends?
ugh! I’m going crazy today!
On another note: my work is shit! I can see my boss with a corner of my eye. He’s just digging in his nose. Happy Monday everyone!