I am trying to take my mind off the Kid at the moment, so I thought I’d share with you things that are not so good about me….
As you read in my previous post my husband was (IS) a great guy. He is in fact a catch. We just went in different directions.
First time when I went for holiday on my own I met this guy, who till this day I call Mr S. He was gorgeous: beautiful, muscular body, great smile, charming personality. He came up to me during a party and offered me a drink. We laughed and joked and I was already falling for his dark eyes.
In the morning, when the sun started rising, I found myself with him on a balcony of the club. He was standing next to me, looking down at the ocean and the big, red and orange sun. ‘You know’ he said ‘If you weren’t married, I would kiss you right now’. I didn’t think much about it. ‘Kiss me’ I said. And so he did.
We met the next day and during the night we found a quiet corner and then he invited me to his room…and I went… Well, don’t think that I slept with him. I didn’t! I think I still had some decency to actually stop everything just in time. (By the way, I don’t want to go into too much details, but the guy turned out to be a dick).
I came back home, to London and had the biggest post-holiday blues. Throughout the year I was wishing I was single and could go back to Mr S for more steamy action (mind you, despite the fact that the guy was a dick, I still wanted to make out with him and preferred him than my husband). I dreamed about me going back there and telling him that I was divorced…
Then I went for my holiday again, to the same place. This time I promised myself that I wouldn’t do anything stupid, that I would try and behave myself.
Mr S wasn’t there, so that was kind of a relief. I can say that I was a good girl most of the time (not counting a random guy I made out with, but for some reason that didn’t really count to me anyway).
During my stay I met A, who is one of the most handsome men I know. I tried flirting with him, but he wasn’t responding, so after a while I dropped it and decided to ignore him. At the end of my last night I started talking to him and he kissed me…We ended up in the ocean making out for ages. Again – that was it, I didn’t have sex with him, but I was dreaming I was single…
Afterwards I was sitting with a friend on the beach and crying. I remember myself saying that I didn’t want to go back, that being a wife and looking after my husband and our home wasn’t something I felt comfortable with, that I wanted to be single, that I wanted to have sex with other men…I also remember her saying that she didn’t want to predict the future, but to her it looked like my marriage would be over in the next few months.
I came back and the next day the X told me he didn’t love me anymore and he wanted a divorce. It was devastating. Even though a part of me wanted it, I felt shattered….
Why do I think I am a bitch? Because I have always been looking at other men, just like a hawk looks for its prey. I have this need in me of being desired and needed and my own man is not enough for me. Both situations didn’t happen by a coincidence. They happened because I was looking for them. Every time I entered a bar or a club, I was trying to find someone I could start something with. I don’t regret what I did during my holiday, but I think I wasn’t and I am not fair with the X. I feel guilty and bad about myself for doing something I shouldn’t have done. Looking at my past relationships it seems like I can’t be with one guy all the time. I need variety, I need flirting and butterflies in my stomach to be able to feel that I am actually alive. To be honest, I don’t believe like I can be with one guy forever…