My ex-husband is one of the greatest, kindest and wonderful people I know. Surprised? No, I’m not going to slack him off. I’m not going to say that he is a bastard and should burn in hell. He didn’t cheat on me, he didn’t beat me, he didn’t do any of these things men do before the break up. He simply let me go….
I think it all started when I went backpacking with some girls last year. He didn’t want to go. He came up with so many excuses why I should go by myself that when I was leaving I felt great about having to spend some time apart.
During that trip a lot of things happened. The most important thing was that I simply loved backpacking and travel. I went to this exotic, wonderful country, met inspirational people, I had the time of my life…and I wanted more.
I came back depressed and angry that I had to spend my time in cold London. Nothing was the same to me anymore. I didn’t want to cook, I didn’t want to go shopping. I found all those normal things, that couples do together a waste of time.
The Ex didn’t say much about it. He tried to be understanding. We didn’t argue, we didn’t talk much about my mood and the fact that we were slowly drifting apart.
Then I came up with an idea of going away for 3 months. I wanted him to join me for a little bit. I wanted to show him my passion, explain why I wanted to go and what it was so fascinating about traveling. He invented another 10 reasons why he should stay at home. So, I went alone…
The trip was wonderful and I wouldn’t swap it for anything, even for a happy marriage.
We tried to keep in touch. I emailed him all the time, we talked on Skype every few days. After a while his emails became very formal, when I talked to him, he was very distant. He blamed it on being tired and busy.
My last day I spent on a beach talking to my friends. I repeated myself all the time that I didn’t want to go back to my life, where everything was always about work, home, dinners with his sister, Christmas with parents. The whole backpacking lifestyle made me realise how much I hated those things. I simply didn’t want a stability. I didn’t want a mortgage, kids, all-inclusive holidays. I wanted to be free and have fun. BUT, I realised that I had a husband and that he loved me. I loved him too. I was convinced that I could make it work.
I came back. He picked me from the airport, made me dinner, massaged my swollen feet, kissed me good-night. That night he slept on the couch.
The next day he got up early and did a big grocery shopping. He opened the fridge and explained that all of these should last me at least a week. I thought he was acting strange, really distant, but for some reason I didn’t want to actually understand what this all meant.
He then sat me down and said he didn’t love me anymore and wanted a divorce. And just like that he packed his things and moved out. We haven’t been living with each other since then.
That was in April.
We talked about it a couple of times. First, I didn’t want the split up, but after I calmed down I thought I could finally do what I want. He was going to pay me quite a good money and I could use it and start my life somewhere else, in a different country.
There are many reasons why we split up. He is a workaholic, a person who wants more and more money. He likes nice things, posh hotels, labels, he wants to buy a flat over the river, he thinks that his car is his most precious possession. And the more money he earns, the more of a snob he is. I like pretty things, too (which woman doesn’t?), but I prefer to spend my money on experiences. I prefer to read a book, listen to music, write or go for a walk rather than spend my day in a shopping mall. I am jeans, trainers and old men’s pub person; he is all about suits, fast cars and fancy bars.
The Ex was affectionate, he spoiled me rotten and kissed me all the time. However, I don’t remember when was the last time when he said that I was beautiful, or looked nice. He spent more time in front of a mirror than me, asking me all the time if he looked good. His work was always more important than me. I can’t remember how many times he was late for a dinner or some outing because he had to work. He was 4 hours late for my 30th birthday.
I now realise that he was more of a friend to me than a lover and all those other things a man should be to his wife. We didn’t have sex for long periods of time also because I just felt like I didn’t fancy him anymore.
After the split up I went through sadness, anger, pity and more sadness. I think I went through this very quickly. I am in a good place now and getting here wasn’t that easy. The counselling and self help books worked wonders. My friends were irreplaceable during that time and I will be forever grateful to them. A few years ago I lost my best friend in a car accident and I think that the amount of pain I suffered then was much greater than the pain that I felt during the break up, and that’s why I recovered so quickly.
I am convinced that everything in life happens for a reason and my divorce has a greater purpose. I am a believer in a better future and that there are no bad things in this world – everything is another experience and if you treat it like this, you will never ever be unhappy.
I am sad for my marriage to be over, but I am excited about what tomorrow brings. I am not afraid, I am a brave woman and I will always be happy, not matter what.